Monday, 27 October 2014

The haunting sound of my fireplace/space heater



It's quite noticeable when you enter my home the haunting melody of my space heater. To most people it is an annoyance, the constant squeak, squeak squeak of the heater as it churns out heat and a pretty (albeit) fake flame. To me it is a sound of my child hood. It reminds me of a double wooden glider swing that my parents had in my childhood. It wasn't around for many years, it was replaced with a well hung swing in my youth, and then a double swing for my wedding. But the sound of it's squeaky hinges still remind me of my childhood days of imagining on that swing. I can close my eyes and picture it vividly in my minds eye. Eventually, as most outdoor equipment does, it had to be removed because of weather and wear, but I loved it none the less. The sound often makes me wonder what kind of things my daughter will remember as she grows up. What strange sounds and smells will comfort her? The smell of fresh beef makes me think of a warm hug as my father would come home from a long day cutting meat and greet me with a firm embrace. These things hold little value to someone else, but to me they mean the world, my world and I wonder what strange footprints I've left in my child's memory.

Saturday, 25 October 2014

He




He keeps me warm even when he is not there to hold me
He makes my heart skip beats when I am near
He kisses me and steals my breath away
He smiles and lights the room in brilliant colours

He wraps arms around me and I feel safe
He touches me and my flesh tingles
He whispers my name and it sounds like an angel singing
He is the one I want with all my heart.

What a difference in the world and S makes. It's just a simple letter 19th letter in the alphabet, but oh how important it is. Suddenly with the S it becomes a problem, oh such a problem that little letter is. Instead of the poem being now for the general public, it becomes PG 13, as if you have to explain to your children what the big difference is between loving a person of the same gender or sex as the opposite one. That little S gets in the way. I know people have told me “I just can't seem to wrap my head around it.” And I really wonder why its so hard. It's just a little S. Add it or subtract it as the case implies and there you have a simple answer. It's the exact same thing now isn't it. The S just changes from He to She or vice versa and that's all you need to explain. The intimacy of the other “S” feature that people seem to worry about what does it matter? It's just an S.

Friday, 24 October 2014

Sometimes you just gotta laugh or cry, but mostly laugh



I love to laugh, and usually it's at myself. I imagine I'm some sort of character in a newspaper cartoon always getting herself into trouble or mishaps of some sort. Perhaps I'm the lesbian Mr. Bean, (albeit I'd like to think I'm a little more attractive). Having MS is kind of a big downer most of the times, but I always find time to laugh at myself and therefore laugh in the face of this stupid disease. It's not that MS has lowered my IQ by any stretch of the imagination, but it does play little tricks on my attention and therefore my short term memory is kinda shot to hell. It's also not the case of I was the most observant person out there either. I'm well known for putting my clothes on backwards or inside out. In fact if any of my loved ones is reading this, when I die, please put something of mine on backwards so people will actually know it's me. One of my ex girlfriends used to say, “Pam I'll know you have been cheating on me the day you come home with your clothes on the right way.” Although I'd never cheat, it's a pretty accurate description of how unobservant I actually am. Case in point. This week I have a particularly nasty flu bug that has left me pretty bed ridden and in a fog of medication. I decided to eat an orange that I had purchased a few days earlier. My mouth watered in anticipation. I always have felt that an Orange always tastes the best when you have a cold or the flu. I carefully cut up my orange and noticed that the inside was red. I counted myself lucky that I had purchased a bag of blood oranges and carefully cut it up into little smiles. I probably should have clued in at that point, but I was very high on cold medication and had a fever. I took a much anticipated bite into a grapefruit. My word I thought my brain was going to melt. My face puckered and I started to choke on the juice. Excellent. Realizing what I had done and feeling foolish I struggled with the rest of my fruit. I needed the vitamin c anyhow. I had to laugh. Another example was earlier on today I went to the store and bought some Buckley's cough medication. I know it tastes bitter, but I also know it works. My daughter got a good chuckle at me as I gagged down my medication and shouted “Oh my god”, which was not so much of a curse, but more of a prayer that my taste-buds might fall off or something. Why they can't flavour it like dirt or something more edible is beyond me. Anyhow, to all of you out there, please take time to laugh, at least at yourself. Sometimes you just gotta laugh instead of cry. Makes life a little more easy :D


Tuesday, 21 October 2014

Hallowe’en Horror



First let me begin this post by saying I'm really not a prude, nor a violent person. Really I'm not, but this time of year makes me angry enough to rip off ears. I am a woman. I have had my fair share of misogynistic abuse over the years and I'm proud to say that I'm not a man hater. No I'm a stupid people hater and Halloween brings out the worst in me. The costumes are definitely getting creepier and creepier and not for the right reasons. The difference between the adult female costumes and the little girls costumes is they have dropped the “sexy” label from it. It's still as short and it's still disgusting. As a single mom I have tried to instill in my daughter that she can do anything. She wants to be a surgeon. I don't imagine that it would be advantageous for her to wear high heels and a mini skirt to preform a life saving operation. Why would I dress her as such? She's also 11 and I don't want my child to be visualized in any sexual manner. The thought makes me envision my own Halloween horror film in my own head. Skirts aren't really practical for a lot of things. I can't imagine showing up to the dojo wearing a brushed cotton heavy weight mini skirt along with my gi. I think the look on my Sensei's face would be priceless though, he might laugh so hard he pulls something and doesn't throw the floor at me repeatedly. So why the difference in kids costumes for Halloween? Why are we trying to make a 4 year old sexual? I thank the good lord above that none of these little costumes have come to my door. It's so hard to parent from prison. I do believe I might just “go postal” (they don't wear skirts either incidentally) a beat the parents into a bloody pulp fitting for Hallowe’en. Why are you dressing up your kids like lures for paedophiles? And why are you teaching your little girl that their uniform has got to be different from the “real” looking one. What women can't be firefighters, police, or military, I don't see them in skirts to save lives! Lets get with the times people.


Saturday, 18 October 2014

To the beat of a different drum or a road not taken



I recall when I was a young girl, I got a note from a teacher at the end of the school year saying “Pam you march to the beat of a different drum, don't ever change.” I didn't quiet fully understand until much later what he actually meant. To this day I can't say to which portion of my life he was referring to and to be honest I've probably spent a fair great deal of time reflecting on that statement. It's amazing how few words can take up so much of your time, or perhaps it's just me. I try and see things at every angle, certainly one of the angles I have pondered has to be closest to the truth. I have decided that the statement encompasses all aspects of my life. I make my way along a road less travelled and certainly I have come across the most interesting people there. Some stay in my life for long periods of time and some blow across my path like leaves caught in an puff of wind skittering and dancing across my path. Some of those people I meet flit in and out of my life like a squirrel jumping from one branch to another and others they appear and leave for great lengths of time just like a bird flying home from a winter away. All have been interesting in one way or another. I have given myself to them in one shape or form and the most precious gift we can give someone is our time. That is truly giving of ones self. Perhaps that teacher was correct I do march to the beat of a different drummer. Perhaps that is why my life hasn't been typical and has lead to some isolation and lonesomeness, but I wouldn't trade that for a road more travelled and the mundane. Here is my favourite poem by Robert Frost:

The Road Not Taken
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I —
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Friday, 10 October 2014

Thanksgiving


I went shopping the other day and bought a lot more groceries than I usually would. It's thanksgiving this weekend and the food made me want to rush home and start cooking. There are only two of us this year and it seemed like such a waste to buy more food than just for the two of us. But, ever since I have owned my own home I have always bought more food than usual. This is because there is always room at my table. Always. I believe that when you are cooking a large meal like this you should always make room for more people. There are people in this world who are hurting, who are alone, and seeing that we are all family due to the fact we are all humans we should open our homes to people. It may seem a waste to have enough food for 10 people, but heck I'll have left overs and I'm sure the local drop in centre could always use some good food. This thanksgiving make sure you have room enough for one or two more at least. If you leave it empty it is sure to be filled. If only for this one day to be thankful for all you have, even though it may not be much, open your tables and your hearts to your fellow man.

Ephesians 3:14-19New International Version (NIV)


14 For this reason I kneel before the Father, 15 from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name. 16 I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, 17 so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, 18 may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, 19 and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.


Paul wrote this in prison, suffering for what he believed in and what he stood for. No matter how great his suffering he still urged us to love each other with the love of Christ, a love and peace that surpasses all understanding. We should all take this as an example.  No matter what you are going through, love each other.


This isn't just a message to our fellow Christians but to all out there, it doesn't matter what you believe in. It doesn't matter whom you worship, or what god you kneel to. But simply love your fellow man, this is one day that is universal. Be thankful for what you have and share what you have, even if it is only yourself you can share. Sit at each others tables, enjoy the human experience. Bond. And share the best thing you have to offer which is yourself.


To my fellow believers in Yahweh, be it Jew or Christian I leave you with this:

Numbers 6:24-26New King James Version (NKJV)

24“The Lord bless you and keep you; 25 The Lord make His face shine upon you, And be gracious to you; 26 The Lord lift up His countenance upon you, And give you peace.” Amen