Losing your voice

In the last few days my voice has gone from normal to that of sounding something like a munchkin or an Oompa Loompa pick your poison. I think it's something viral and not MS related due to the scratchy feeling I have. Not that I haven't lost my voice due to MS before, but I think I'm getting sick. Which really sucks because I have plans coming up I don't want to miss.

My daughter is going away for a bit and I've never had the opportunity to go and do things for me. I never got a chance to do things alone, well at least fun things. I've always been responsible for someone else, and my life responsibilities have always gotten in the way. Originally I had thought that I wanted to spend the time when she was away alone and reflecting on me. Finding a spot to retreat seemed like a perfect way to spend my time. I've had a bit of a change of heart. I want to connect with people. So I'm going to go on a few day trips as money for gas allows and visit people. At the end I'm going camping.

Having to be silent is a great way to do some simple reflection on your life. Although I do not feel well at all, deciding what I'm going to do for the span while my daughter is away has given me some peace.

This week I also was forced to do some repairs to my SUV. It's been something I've been putting off for a while. I got an excellent deal on the repairs and made a trip back to them with some pop-sickles to thank them for their work. They were really touched and I don't think that many people take the time out to really thank people. I mean it was only a 3 dollar box of pop-sickles (Single Mom on a really tight budget), but I thought they should know how much I really appreciated their hard work. Imagine the world we could live in if people thought of others and showed their appreciation! If your car comes back from the shop with chocolate fingerprints on it, I'm really not sorry :D 

Looks like it's soup for me!

What's your type?

Part of the reason I really hate online dating is that usually people choose you due to aesthetic reasons. This is not the way that I operate. Usually after the “Hi how are you” and the “what do you do for a living “ comes the “what's your type question.

I suppose this is a general segway in girl speak to the question of, “Do you find me attractive?” I'm never sure how to answer that question. In a society where we place too much value on looks I find the question of “what's your type” archaic.

Attractiveness to me really comes from inward beauty and not from exterior beauty. So I don't have a particular type. I don't want to pigeon hole myself into exclusively dating someone who looks like x when my soul mate will come in the form of y. Why would I limit myself? So here are the physical characteristics I am looking for:

Lips that are unafraid to kiss me at random times and that can whisper the inner workings of her soul to me. That are capable of hours of conversation or happy just being in the same room as mine. Most importantly who speaks the truth no matter what it is.

A smile that always hides a bout of a laughter behind it, that isn't afraid to laugh at themselves and at me.

Hands that aren't afraid to take a hold of mine. That create beautiful things, no matter what they are.

Hair that isn't concerned with blowing freely in the wind that knows that I would love it no matter how it falls on the head that I charish.

A belly that isn't afraid to eat or laugh with equal desire for both.

Arms that are open to embrace.

Legs that aren't afraid to stand up when everyone else would sit. This includes dancing at random times, like in the kitchen.

Eyes that smile and cry freely, who can see me for who I am.

A heart that has eyes to see true beauty where ever it lay, in a piece of art, in a bar of music what ever.

A body that gives it's self freely to help others, marked by life with stretch marks, scars and freckles that I can trace in quiet hours.

Feet that can tap to music, go for random walks, and that would carry them to see me. That aren't afraid to walk on their own path.

A mind with it's own opinions even if they differ from mine. That is open, and constantly in motion.

These are all the things I am looking for. How can I tell from a picture if they can do the things I require. How should I answer this question?

Why I'm glad my Sensei hurts me

When people find out I take martial arts I often get a slurry of questions. One of them being, does it hurt? Invariably I answer yes, and I'm glad it does for so many different reasons. Usually at this point I get the raised eyebrow and the look that says, “You are some kind of masochist”. They don't realize the difference between harm and hurt. Hurt is just a physical pain, discomfort no long term effects. Sometimes there is a lot of hurt and sometimes my fellow Karate-ka will hurt each other. Something often said around the dojo is “No, that doesn't hurt the right way try this”. If I didn't know how much the technique was supposed to hurt in the first place I'd have no idea if I was doing it correctly or not. Somethings hurt a little. Somethings hurt so much that for a moment in time, that feels like it stretches out to an eternity, I feel as if I have no body, that I've shot up out of my body and have no arms or legs in which to tap. It's hard to yell ouch when you are in non-corporeal form. It's how I get the confirmation that I know that what I'm doing works if I never needed to use it.

Along the same lines yes I get hit in class. It goes along with getting hurt. Of this I am also thankful. No seriously I'm not a masochist! Getting punched or kicked or poked hurts a lot. In my outside life I really don't want to do this. Fighting hurts even if you are the winner. But it's not just about that. I'm glad I get hurt because if there is an unavoidable altercation and I get hit, I know what it feels like, and it's not going to stop me. It's not going to catch me off guard and it won't cause me to hesitate. This is very important because a split second hesitation could mean the difference between life or death. As one of my Sensei's says, “On the fields of hesitation lay the bones and souls of fallen soldiers”.

Getting hurt in class is a good thing believe it or not. I have no interest in hurting others outside the dojo. I don't want to get in a bar fight to test my skill. As I said. Fighting hurts. I avoid confrontations and situations that could lead to violence. (Hitting people hurts me too in more ways than one.) Best to avoid the whole situation in the first place.  It's not that I'm a wimp, just a very big pacifist.

The other thing is knowing how to defend myself and knowing how to fight is a very powerful feeling. It's not that I believe that I'm even that good, but I've dedicated the last 7 years ish to the martial arts and I know I've earned every belt that has been given to me. I don't need to beat on someone to feel powerful. It is a far more powerful feeling for me to walk away peacefully from a physical altercation knowing I could damage someone else. It is in the choosing that the real power is. I couldn't have learned it with out Sensei's who were willing to hurt me.

And the waltz goes on

Sir Anthony Hopkins is one of my most favourite actors. I don't think I've seen anything of his that I haven't enjoyed. I can't imagine anyone playing a better Hannibal Lecter, or his role in Fracture was particularly chilling. The character that he played in the Edge was also particularly gripping. All of them are believable even the scary ones are frighteningly beautiful.

When I watch a film that he is in, I always feel that he taps into some part of himself in order to manifest the character. He makes them all seem wonderfully human, even the evil ones.

Maybe the reason I like Anthony Hopkins is that he's a musician. It's something I tend to admire in people. Sure I hack away at my instruments, of which I'm starting to amass a great collection. They make me deliriously happy. Unless you are a musician or “wanna be musician” like me, or have a deep appreciation of music there isn't a feeling that I can describe to explain it. Sometimes when something is just right the hair on my arms stand up, shivers roll up my back and out the top of my head and I can feel my soul lift up and out of my body. According to a recent study done a very small percentage of people ( less than 5%) experienced what they have dubbed a “frissons” the lesser term is “skin orgasm” but is not used as much due to the sexual connotation of the term. There is nothing sexual about it, but I suppose the closest thing to compare it too is that. But even that pales in comparison. Find the article here: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-3173770/Music-trigger-physical-response-similar-orgasms-people.html

Sir Anthony Hopkins wrote an amazing piece of music called the Waltz goes on. I experienced one of these “frissons” listening to it. What really astounded me from the article is that most people don't experience this. I knew that music doesn't effect people the same way, and that some people don't have an appreciation of music at all, but I thought the majority of people were struck the same way when they heard a piece of music! I suppose if I have to be some what unique in this way I'm glad.

Anyhow, here is sir Hopkins Piece I hope you enjoy it as much as I did, although I guess according to the research you probably won't.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M57Fi19vcSI

Hiding in plain sight

I think my camouflage is broken. It really doesn't matter what I do or where I go, I stand out in the crowd. I can't count how many times I've gone to a function, or heck even to a grocery store and someone has come up to me and said, “Hey I recognize you from...”.

I don't think I dress that eccentrically and you would think that someone who is 5, 3 could fade away into the back ground. For me it just isn't possible. If I try and fade away into the scenery I get noticed and people will make an effort to come and extract me from it. If I try and blend into the crowd I stand out just as much. I don't know why people are drawn to me. I understand that there is something in my voice that draws people, but even when I choose to be silent it still happens. It really makes no difference what I do. It just happens. Then again I've never been one for fitting in.

Some might say it's a positive thing that people are drawn to me. There are times when I just wish I could fade away into the back ground. In life there is always a purpose and who knows what this one fulfils.

Then there are times when I fade away into the background and I don't seem to be noticed and wish greatly that I was. It's like my camouflage works only when I don't want it to. Perhaps I have it on backwards or something.

One of the times that I want to fade away is in church and this never seems to happen. I almost need to have a body guard or perhaps an interpreter. I already can not fade away into the background so people are already noticing me. Then suddenly I start to cry and people think that there is something terribly wrong. Usually I'm not an overly emotional person. Perhaps that is the reason that people come to immediately to my aid and my embarrassment. Perhaps they think that being in the presents of God has caused me to weep and repent of my sin and they wish to help.

The church is just a building. It is an empty shell. There is nothing special about it. I don't weep walking into the church. God resides in people. When the spirit of God is among people and I am a small part of that, the emotions flood over me and I can't help but weep. It's more out of joy that I cry rather than of sorrow. The only sorrow I feel is that it is not often enough that I get to feel that energy. Inevitably I am yanked back into myself by someone handing me kleenex or trying to console me or something of the like.

One might believe that I'm an emotionless person most of the time, but this is farther from the truth. In actuality I do feel emotions and rather deeply at that, but have long ago learned to control them. Unfortunately with MS I have developed something called Pseudobulbar affect or in layman’s term emotional incontinence. What this means is that I can not control my emotions as once as I could. Especially when it comes to crying. (Which coming from someone who rarely cried is actually rather frustrating) Sometimes I cry with little or no stimulus which is highly embarrassing to myself. This is what happens in Church.

I have found when I want to attract people, I tend to repel them and when I want to repel them then I attract them even faster. It's really rather frustrating. Perhaps one day I'll figure out what I am doing wrong.

Re-purposing things

A friend of mine bought her friend's motorcycle and drove it up to my house for the first time. I told her she looked hot and meant it as a double entendre. It was abysmally hot out (well at least for me) and women always look beautiful riding a motorcycle. It made me miss my motorcycle. A lot. Driving down a long stretch of road feltlike flying. The only feeling I could equate it with is skydiving. Such fond memories.

She had a full faced helmet, a nice motorcycle jacket, a nice set of motorcycle boots but she was missing something. Especially on her huge gold wing motorcycle. I just happened to have what she needed. From my closet I had a pair of chaps and a leather vest that I had no more use for. I think I probably held on to it for sentimental reasons and because darn I looked good in them. But it made me happy to give them to her. She too could dress the part and be hot in more than one way! I got a lot of happiness from giving them to her, and hope that she will get as much joy out of them as I did.

When we have no use for things we can always re-purpose them. I find it sad that with people society just tend to throw them away. How sad is it that we can re-purpose things and not people? It seems kind of backwards.

The proof of the pudding is in it's eating.

One of the hardest lessons I have had to learning in my life is that people say and do two different things. I'm one of those rare birds that actually says something, means it and can back my statement up with facts. I used to take people at face value, but I've learned (finally) that the proof of the pudding is in it's eating. People will often times placate you with pretty words in order to cover up mistakes that they have made, or tell you wonderful things to stroke your ego only to repeat the behaviour again. Do not be fooled by empty words, because that is all they are, hollow, shapeless and void if there is no action to go with it. Love is an action word, you can not just simply say I love you with out having something to back it up with. Let me show you I love you, let me show you I care. Words are just words, sure they can be pretty, but in actuality that mean nothing.

We assign value to words with our actions. We also devalue them with our actions. I was taking a late night stroll on the boardwalk with a friend of mine last night. She was also struggling with this issue. People are what they do and not what they say. Be prepared to produce the pudding if asked.

The bible has this to say about loving someone with words:

John 3:18

Dear children, let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth.

Do not believe what people say, but rather believe what they do! As always you should follow suit with it as well. It's not enough to talk the talk, but you must rather walk the walk instead!

Peace and Love friends.

Numbers

An ex girlfriend used to call or text me generally at 12:34, it always seemed to work out that way. I used to think that was her number, but I have come to think of it as my own. But recently I've been seeing strange sequence numbers all over the place, it's like my eye is drawn to it. Several times today I have looked at the clock at random time and it's 10:10, 11:11, 12:34, 2:22, 3:33, 11:22 all today. It's really kinda starting to freak me out. I'm starting to think there is some esoteric reason for it, but what it is I'm not sure. Perhaps it is the cold that I think I'm getting playing tricks on my eyes, but it keeps happening, for the last few days.

Before it used to happen every once and a while and I would look at the time (or something like that) and think oh look. My grandmother and mother used to say make a wish at 11:11. I thought it was an old wives tale. BUT IT KEEPS HAPPENING. It's been ramping up for weeks and it seems to be just getting weirder and weirder.

Have you ever been thinking about someone and they call? I mean someone whom you haven't spoken to in a while. This happens to me frequently. I'd say I'm lucky, but usually all my luck is bad.

It has left me with more questions then answers of late. Perhaps the universe is trying to tell me something. Perhaps it's aliens. Maybe I'm just hyper-aware of time now. Who knows.