Hiding in plain sight

I think my camouflage is broken. It really doesn't matter what I do or where I go, I stand out in the crowd. I can't count how many times I've gone to a function, or heck even to a grocery store and someone has come up to me and said, “Hey I recognize you from...”.

I don't think I dress that eccentrically and you would think that someone who is 5, 3 could fade away into the back ground. For me it just isn't possible. If I try and fade away into the scenery I get noticed and people will make an effort to come and extract me from it. If I try and blend into the crowd I stand out just as much. I don't know why people are drawn to me. I understand that there is something in my voice that draws people, but even when I choose to be silent it still happens. It really makes no difference what I do. It just happens. Then again I've never been one for fitting in.

Some might say it's a positive thing that people are drawn to me. There are times when I just wish I could fade away into the back ground. In life there is always a purpose and who knows what this one fulfils.

Then there are times when I fade away into the background and I don't seem to be noticed and wish greatly that I was. It's like my camouflage works only when I don't want it to. Perhaps I have it on backwards or something.

One of the times that I want to fade away is in church and this never seems to happen. I almost need to have a body guard or perhaps an interpreter. I already can not fade away into the background so people are already noticing me. Then suddenly I start to cry and people think that there is something terribly wrong. Usually I'm not an overly emotional person. Perhaps that is the reason that people come to immediately to my aid and my embarrassment. Perhaps they think that being in the presents of God has caused me to weep and repent of my sin and they wish to help.

The church is just a building. It is an empty shell. There is nothing special about it. I don't weep walking into the church. God resides in people. When the spirit of God is among people and I am a small part of that, the emotions flood over me and I can't help but weep. It's more out of joy that I cry rather than of sorrow. The only sorrow I feel is that it is not often enough that I get to feel that energy. Inevitably I am yanked back into myself by someone handing me kleenex or trying to console me or something of the like.

One might believe that I'm an emotionless person most of the time, but this is farther from the truth. In actuality I do feel emotions and rather deeply at that, but have long ago learned to control them. Unfortunately with MS I have developed something called Pseudobulbar affect or in layman’s term emotional incontinence. What this means is that I can not control my emotions as once as I could. Especially when it comes to crying. (Which coming from someone who rarely cried is actually rather frustrating) Sometimes I cry with little or no stimulus which is highly embarrassing to myself. This is what happens in Church.

I have found when I want to attract people, I tend to repel them and when I want to repel them then I attract them even faster. It's really rather frustrating. Perhaps one day I'll figure out what I am doing wrong.