Nightmares

There is nothing more terrifying than your own brain. To someone one with MS or any other neurological disease this concept is painfully obvious. But in good health or in poor we all get nightmares, it's kind of a even playing field of sorts.

If you have had any experience in lucid dreaming it's a way to combat these terrible dark images that your own mind comes up with. Having been blessed/cursed with a rational mind I have been able to control the outcomes of my dreams for the most part. The introduction of martial arts and self defense has also curbed a lot of those pesky dark dreams.

The other night I had a dream where martial arts nor lucid dreaming could save me. I could not control my dream, nor did I have an opportunity to fight my way out of it. Sometimes my unconscious rational dreaming brain can counter whatever my rational lucid dreaming comes up with and it sucks. To top it off, I knew I was dreaming, but I could not rouse myself into a state of consciousness.

Equally as disconcerting to my nightmare was what happened when I woke up. I have been the hero in my own story for too many years to count, in and out of dreams. Also my bed has been empty for a very long time. When I woke from my fearful dream, the first thing I did was reach out to place my hand on someone who wasn't there. No one has been there for a very long time. Nor have I ever been in the habit of being coddled after a nightmare. The thought bolted me up right even more so than the dream it's self. Who exactly was I reaching for? I had no one in my mind, nor was there anyone in my dream who I was trying to grab a hold of. No, the reason I reached out was to have some touch stone to reality, and for comfort.

It is simply amazing the rate of speed that somethings can be processed at one time and take what feels like an eternity to process another. I knew I was reaching out for someone, for comfort for warmth, someone who I obviously thought was there. But who was this mystery person. In my mind I sought her warmth and love so I was reaching for a partner whom I don't have. I knew I wasn't reaching out for a prior partner. That wasn't the feeling I got.

But the mystery remains who was I reaching out for? Unfortunately my sleep cycle has been completely boogered because of this and I have been restless for days. I'm not sure why I can't shake this feeling. It's not so much of the nightmare that really has thrown me off kilter it's the mystery person I was reaching for and why?