Silence is never golden!

Silence is never golden!

August 31 2012

I've often heard the saying silence is golden and tucked it away in my proverbial cap as a truism.  I always thought it was the quiet moments in life that we were supposed to enjoy, but if you really think about it, our quiet moments aren't really that quiet after all.  The long drive up to the country to visit a cottage for the epitome of quiet time isn't all that quiet.  Listen carefully (or not so carefully) in the evenings at night at any random cottage.  The cacophony is incredible.  The crickets have their own orchestra.  There are bats and owls that lend their notes every so often, and the trees whisper subtle lyrics while they rock and sway like dancers.  The good life isn't quiet.  

The only time silence is golden is when someone is being hurt or when someones rights are being trampled on.  Consider the famous quote:

First they came for the socialists,
and I didn't speak out because I wasn't a socialist.
Then they came for the trade unionists,
and I didn't speak out because I wasn't a trade unionist.
Then they came for the Jews,
and I didn't speak out because I wasn't a Jew.
Then they came for me,
and there was no one left to speak for me.

Martin Niemöller  

Here in Canada and around the world we need to speak up for each others rights.  Silence is not golden.  If the government takes away peoples right to marry, hold a job, or have children and we stay silent than we are no better than the German population that watch idle by as the Holocaust happened.  If you are unsure about gay marriage, educate yourself and speak up.  Do not stay silent.  In your silence millions of people are being impacted.

 Break the silent legacy!

That's so gay is so yesterday

That's so gay is so yesterday

August 30 2012

 When I came out of the proverbial closet, no one seemed surprised.  When I asked why no one told me, the response was similar across the board, "you just had to figure it out yourself".  Makes sense doesn't it?  It does if your straight. I spent years denying who I was, pretending I was something I wasn't and hiding the shame I felt.  Every message I received as a young person growing up in a Christian environment was negative.  Every message I received growing up in school about homosexuals was negative.  No one taught me that happy gay families existed.  The worst thing you could call someone in the school yard was a fag or a dyke.  I watched Christian organisations persecute anyone who was gay.  I heard "love the sinner and not the sin" so many times that it makes my skin crawl to this day.  I tried to "fake it till you make it" and spent many years in an abusive relationship in order to hide my true self.  Internalised homophobia I understand.  I'm ashamed to admit that I would have been the first one on a "heterosexual pride" march. I spent more years on my knees in tears begging God to take away my natural desires, making promises I couldn't keep and feeling doubly guilty that not only did I lie to the creator but to myself as well.  I stood back and watched the persecution of gay individuals while fearing for my own safety, life and soul.  When I was diagnosed with MS I pondered if perhaps this was God's way of chastising me, if perhaps the promises that I couldn't keep now had a physical ramification.  My body had sinned, so it needed to be punished.  My soul was willing but my flesh was weak.  

It's taken a long time to come to terms with myself, to forgive myself and to re accept God's unconditional love for me.  The bible has a lot to say about our tongues and the power of life and death that it holds.  I looked to the words of Christ to see what he says about being gay, the simple fact is he didn't say anything.  Not one word is recorded in the New Testament regarding anyone being gay.  If it was really that important don't you think Jesus would have spoken personally about the matter?  There is precious little the bible actually says about being gay.  There are six passages that have been misconstrued to judge and condemn homosexuals.  None of them are words that Jesus spoke, yet still the vast majority of churches preach the "love the sinner hate the sin" line and spend hours on such a small portion of the bible.  

There are so many LGBT individuals that have taken their lives because of the words that people speak.  There is an epidemic of suicides all over the world of LGBT persons especially youth taking their own lives because they were created this way. It has to stop, and it has to start with YOU! 

Keeping the mind busy!

Keeping the mind busy

August 29 2012

Karate people are always the friendliest folks, they go around saying HiYA HIYA! (insert Miss Piggy voice here)  Actually it call a Kiai which is a spirited yell or scream.  Karate is very good for people who have MS (that is depending on your local dojo).  It not only exercises the body, but the different stances are good for your balance, and it is a great exercise in memory and cognition.  Although I am not capable of performing all the moves to the degree that an able bodied person is, I strive only to better myself and perfect the moves to the best of my ability.  Karate is really an individual "sport".  You get only what you put into it.  When my exhaustion isn't too bad, you will find me at the dojo along side the other Karate-ka (those who practise Karate) striving to better myself and learn a couple of things.

I also find it a confidence booster as well.  Members of the LGBT community are often physically assaulted.  While I have no false illusions about taking on a gang of homophobic rednecks Chuck Norris style, I do hope it will give me that extra time to be able to escape with my life.

(The above picture was taken 2 years ago I'm now at a green belt which proudly is half way to black).

Most people believe that the world of Karate ends at black belt.  As my Sensei's Sensei said, it is a welcome to kindergarten.  Karate is a life long learning process, and if some day I do make it to "kindergarten" I will look back on my "preschool" days fondly.

Do not go gentle into that good night

DO NOT GO GENTLE INTO
THAT GOOD NIGHT

I recently remembered a poem that I studied in high school by Dylan Thomas.  The title is do not go gentle into that good night.  It was read at my ex father in laws funeral and it has always had a special place in my heart.  But I think it has even more meaning for me since I got diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis.  It is so simple to just give up and allow the night to take over, to allow the disease to progress, to allow my body to fade, but I need to rage.  I need to fight.

 Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay has nothing at all to do with homosexuality, but I say this to my gay brethren, Rage!  Do not allow the fools of this world to discourage you and let their words slice at your soul like a sword.  Rage!

The dictionary defines rage as:

rage  (rj)

n.

1.

a. Violent, explosive anger. See Synonyms at anger.

b. A fit of anger.

2. Furious intensity, as of a storm or disease.

3. A burning desire; a passion.

4. A current, eagerly adopted fashion; a fad or craze: when torn jeans were all the rage.

intr.v. raged, rag·ing, rag·es

1. To speak or act in violent anger: raged at the mindless bureaucracy.

2. To move with great violence or intensity: A storm raged through the mountains.

3. To spread or prevail forcefully: The plague raged for months.

 

I never thought of rage as a burning desire or passion, but it makes sense.  Again we need to rage in life, we need to fill ourselves with a burning desire to live and not just exist! 

So, to all people out there gay, straight, healthy or suffering....  Get raging!  I hope you are inspired by this poem as well.

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rage at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light. Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light. And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Niagara Falls a Negative Experience

Niagara Falls a Negative Experience

August 26, 2012

I have always loved the Niagara Falls, ever since I was a little girl.  I have fond memories of riding on my brother's and my father's shoulders touring down town.  I remember looking over the edge at table rock feeling as if I was getting sucked in, going to the water walk with my grandparents and watching the maid of the mist float dangerously close to the gushing waters.  As I became and adult I have taken my child there to enjoy the water slides at Great Wolf Lodge, marvel at the wonders of the butterfly conservatory and commune with nature at the bird aviary (one of my all time favourite places).  You might assume since we visit there once or twice a year we might feel as if Niagara Falls has nothing to enthral us left, that we've been there and done that.  Yet I still feel the unexplainable pull to visit ever so often.  After all it's only a two hour drive.  For some reason I feel at peace when I am there and happy, I would almost say it's like recharging my batteries.  I think I have found the reason why.  Check out the quote from below:

Niagara Falls itself produces a high concentration of healthy, serotonin producing “negative ions” which has been found to inspire positive feelings in the millions that visit the destination every year.

It is has been widely researched that Niagara Falls has a healthy ‘negative ion count that exceeds 100,000 per cubic centimeter’, and is known to be the largest negative ion generator in the world.

Research also indicates that the positive ions that are released after a rainstorm for example counteract the unhealthy positive ions that exist in the air. With the size and intensity of the Falls themselves, Niagara Falls has been recognised to produce an abundance of healthy negative ions 365 days a year and in quantities not found anywhere else in the world.

The inspiration generated at places like Niagara Falls have a direct relationship to the lowering of serotonin levels in the blood, caused by the waves of negative ions from the spray of these falls. This overdose of negative ions is known to ease tension and pressures, leaving people full of energy and feelings of renewal.

With Excerpts from "The Ion Effect" by Fred Soyka

It stands to reason that the depression that I suffer from is mildly relieved while I visit the Falls.  Is this fiction or science I am not sure, but even if it is psychosomatic I'll go on visiting and recharging.  My favourite place to do this is at the whirlpool.  It is often times unpopulated and I find myself gazing into the endless swirls of water longer than the rest of the people who are with me care to be.  Staring into the deep waters of the whirl pool for long periods of time I find turns off my brain and allows me to relax on many different levels.  Perhaps it is a method of self induced Rapid Eye Movement Therapy which is used to treat PTSD, Anxiety and Depression.

Regardless of the reasons, I think I'll continue visiting Niagara Falls and chalk it up to helping my mental health!

And I will make you fishers of men...

And I will make you fishers of men...

August 21 2012

Well I wasn't exactly fishing for souls but more like bass and trout to be exact.  My parents have owned a property in the north for almost 8 years and I have never seemed to find time to go up and visit.  The excuses just poured out of me like, "My husband at the time didn't want to go, it was too far away, I was sick, I was getting a divorce" Life happens and seemed to interrupt me going up to their property.  

Perhaps you noticed my absence for the last couple days, but perhaps not.  I decided to go up.  There is nothing on their property except for woods, but fortunately the neighbours next door are long time friends of the family.  In fact the husband used to be the reverend in our church.  I was aware I had to behave but no well as the reverend is pretty down to earth.

We fished several times, and on our first trip I managed to catch the largest (and only) fish I would on the week end.  My daughter caught several and Dad and Gloria caught a bunch.  It was wonderful.  We had originally planned to travel to Turkey Point, but my vehicle broke and I had to use our vacation moneys to put it back on the road.  We sang grace around the table and it reminded me fondly of my childhood.  I probably even could have sat through a sermon if he felt so led.  It made me long for a church and so now I am looking for a gay friendly church.  One who accepts me with my partner as is.  Wish me luck.

I'm thoroughly exhausted from all the fun and even though I had taken several naps while I was up there, I'm still pretty beat.  I hope I can wrangle some more energy tomorrow. I have some phone calls to churches to make.

MonSter

MonSter

August 18 2012

9 years ago today I gave birth (by C-section) to my baby girl.  The doctors had decided that I was to give birth naturally, but she had other plans.  Since that time I have been diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis instead of the stroke or migraine the doctors had originally assumed I had.  In these last 9 years I have watched her grow and watched the effects of Multiple Sclerosis on her.  Not only does this disease touch my life but everyone around me.  She unfortunately has had to live with a MonSter under her bed since birth.  

    I have always tried to hide my fears of facing yet another MS attack, or tried to make light of any of the attacks I have suffered.  I have walked her to school riding on my walker so she could have a bit of fun, instead of worrying her.  This backfired because when I was able to walk again unassisted she was constantly bugging me to drag out the walker and give her a ride.

    Something I have not been able to shelter her from is the MonSter fatigue that I suffer from on a daily basis, which has left me unable to work.  Little moments of joy have been stolen away from me simply because Mommy needed a nap.  In the summer time I am unable to manage little things like taking her to the park simply because the heat and the humidity drain the energy out of me at an alarming rate.  It seems so silly to be unable to work because I'm tired, but the simple fact is, fatigue is not anywhere in the same realm as tired.  Fatigue is where my body shuts down and refuses to budge even a little bit further because it can not function any longer.  Unfortunately, this is impossible to explain to a 9 year old and even adults have a difficult time comprehending.  I may be rude for missing a well prepared meal, or a social event.  It isn't because I want to miss it, but because my body is failing to respond to my wishes.  On occasion I am able to fight off the fatigue, but it only means that the next day is pretty much written off because I didn't take the time to listen to my body in the first place.  Actually, it isn't uncommon for my body to require days of rest after a missed rest period.

    I grow tired of sleeping all the time, I want to be awake, to be a part of life around me.  Sometimes I think I'd rather trade a limb or two if only I didn't have to spend so much time sleeping.  A normal healthy nap for an adult is 45 minutes.  Mine typically last for 2 to 3 hours at a time.  There are days when I require more than one.  I have tried altering my sleeping patterns to wake up early or late to see if I require less  or more naps, but my body will not respond and so I beat a hasty retreat to my quarters.  Since being diagnosed with sleep apnoea, I have had a use a CPAP machine and it has made a huge difference.  In the times that I am awake I'm actually awake and not wondering around in a fog.

    I wish I didn't have to face this MonSter every day with my child, but in the least I sleep more soundly with her next to me!

Sticks and Stones

Sticks and Stones

August 16 2012

Sticks and Stones video Click here to watch the video!

I called this video Sticks and Stones because of the old saying Sticks and stones can break my bones but names will never hurt me.  While names can't physically hurt, they do damage something more important.  Our spirits.  In April I attended a rally against hate, because a local paper had written some very homophobic and racist remarks.  I was amazed at the out pouring of support from the straight community.  I lugged 30 pounds of cameras and video equipment to film the event.  The day before the rally a member of the LGBT (that stands for Lesbian Gay Bisexual and Transgendered) society was murdered.  The day following the rally another member committed suicide.  I dedicated this video to both of them.  The laws are starting to change to allow us the same rights (not special rights) that members of the heterosexual community have.  While the law changes, some peoples attitude have not.  It isn't socially acceptable anymore to say, "I hate such and such race". But it is socially acceptable to say, "I hate LGBT persons because of my religion or personal beliefs."  It is okay to wear shirts with homophobic sayings on it, but wear a pointy hat with a white sheet and you are criticised.

One might argue that we have not enslaved LGBT persons or taken away their lands, but this is not the case.  We become enslaved when we are not granted the same rights as other individuals, hate crimes are on the rise, and suicides are up.  People forget that during the Holocaust Lesbians and Gay men were sent to the concentration camps. A fate that some radical right wingers would love to repeat in the USA.  We have had our land taken away when the spouse of a LGBT person is not recognised, we have been denied jobs and treated as a 3rd class citizen for many years.  Although it is now being monitored the amount of crime against LGBT community members is staggering.  That is if it is reported.  

I'd say I hope you enjoy the video, but it isn't something to be enjoyed, so I'll say I hope you learn from the video and are haunted by the eyes of the dead LGBT kids like I was.

Are You Afraid of the Dark?

Are you afraid of the dark?

August 15 2012

Yesterday we held a birthday party for my daughter who is turning the ripe old age of 9.  We pitched tents in my parents backyard (a home which they have owned for over 30 years!) and enjoyed the view of the lake, had some homemade pizza's and watched some movies.  The girls had curled up to sleep in the "Summer house" a 10 by 10 living space that includes a TV.  It's very relaxing and comfortable out there.  Soon enough it was bed time and some of the girls went to sleep in the "house" and one went off with her mother in the tent.  My girlfriend and I sat up in the dark and chatted.  When my girlfriend beat a hasty retreat to the bathroom I heard an animal savaging in the garbage and was at once alarmed.  I had no protective 5 mm of tent surrounding me, it was night time and I couldn't see what was making the noise.   I investigated the scene with a flash light but was not able to catch the culprit.  Suddenly this familiar place that I've known for 30 plus years became an obstacle course of picnic tables and trees I couldn't quite remember being planted.  It magically transformed into a brand new place and a scary place at that!

During the day located the offending garbage pail and cleaned up the mess.  It occurred whilst watching my Father clean up the mess, that having MS is kind of like being in a familiar place after dark.  Things are happening and you can't see them, and your body becomes unfamiliar, new and scary.  Its the same old body you have lived with for so many years but suddenly something happens and things aren't quite what the seem.  Things don't work the same and you aren't sure what will happen next because you can't see it coming.

Regardless the birthday party was a smash even if we had to clean up some garbage!

Disabled Parking Only

August 13 2012

Disabled Parking Only

Since I was diagnosed with MS I've had a couple of MS attacks or flare ups as they are often called.  Because of these flare ups on occasion I need to walk with an assertive device such as a cane, walker or wheelchair.  More often than not my legs work with me and not against me, and I don't require an assertive device.  That does not mean I do not require disabled only parking spaces.  Due to a combination of my medication, naturally low blood pressure and MS occasionally when I sit for periods of time and stand up, my heart has a hard time equalising my blood pressure and not enough blood gets pumped to my brain.  This phenomena causes short periods of near fainting conditions.  In fact my doctor took my blood pressure during one of these spells and it was unfavourably close to shock levels.  Even this would not be so bad if there were not areas in my brain damaged by MS.  The end result is a temporary spasm that is highly embarrassing and quite possibly dangerous to me.  Many times I will take a few steps before the "spasms" kick (forgive the pun) in.  

How does parking in the Disabled parking space help?

Firstly, the spaces themselves are wider, so if I do perchance loose my footing I am more apt to fall to the ground rather than smashing into a car that may or may not be exiting or entering a parking spot.  Secondly, parking that close to a building make make it easier to stumble towards something firm to lean on, like a door or a cart for example.  It also means I may make it to a safe spot rather than collapsing into a twitching heap in the middle of the parking lot decreasing the risk that I may arbitrarily end up as road pizza.

So why blog about it?

Well because I can is the most obvious answer, but more importantly there are some of you folks in the general population that tend to give nasty looks to people who don't require an assertive walking device.  It's actually gotten to a point that when people with out a permit park in one of the spaces and see a healthy looking person exit the vehicle they give the nod.  Seriously this has happened.  Stupidity is not a disability.  So before you go judging people with a disabled parking sticker who isn't in a wheelchair folks please think twice.  If the doctors didn't believe that I required one I wouldn't have been issued a permanent one in the first place.  I know some of you may even think, that you have a trick knee or a bad back so why can't you park there too?  Tell you what, I'll take your trick knee and your sore back and trade you the MS.  When you wake up one day, throw your legs over the bed and land in the closet because you didn't realise that today was the special day that you would loose the ability to walk it may not have been worth the trade.  Besides, the extra car lengths will do you good, I wish I was able to join you.

My first MuSing

     I've called this blog: MuSings Of A Wounded spirit for several reasons. You probably noticed (you smart intelligent reader) that the M and the S is capitalized for some reason. This is because I have been diagnosed and been treated for a disease called Multiple Sclerosis. It is not a terminal disease, and I am expected to live an average life expectancy. What MS does is steal little bits of your life day by day. Sometimes you don't even notice it, other days it grabs a big handful of your life and carts it off. I am currently unable to work due to a common symptom of MS, which is fatigue. So at the ripe age of 34 (the age I am when I start this blogging journey) I am trying to find a niche for my life, some way to feel useful and contribute to society.

     I've also added the wounded spirit part because another common side effect of MS is Depression. It's not just sadness, just like fatigue isn't just tiredness. It can be more crippling than the bouts of paralysis that every so often I endure. I'm also a lesbian and so daily I have to endure assaults on my ego and self worth from an uneducated public regarding how wrong and evil I am because I have “chosen” this “lifestyle”. I put chosen in quotes because the masses would have you fooled in believing that any gay person has the choice and lifestyle because if you read on there isn't much of a style to my life other than the daily grind of living that most of us humans go through.

    I hope you enjoy my blog and I hope I enjoy writing it, otherwise this is going to become and exercise in how to waste both of our time!