Companions

My old companions visit me, their names are Multiple Sclerosis and Depression. They are by my side no matter what I do or where I am. They walk hand in hand, one is never far from the other. Sometimes they are invisible, sometimes they are so painfully obvious that I want to hang my head in shame. Why should I be ashamed of these companions whom I have not chosen to walk beside me as life partners? Because society has made it a shameful thing. These companions are weak and any weakness that you show to society will tear you apart and devalue you. I am a sum of my parts and when your parts are not fixable then you become worthless to society.

Imagine these companions are real people. Imagine a morning walk in a bright and sunny park smelling the freshly cut grass feeling the warm sun beat down on your shoulders. You are bare foot feeling the soft plush grass underneath your toes Suddenly the ground underneath you becomes a stony beach and each step you take becomes painful and arduous. Your friend MS is there holding you hand, or riding on your shoulders. You are okay, but the surrounding people don't understand why you are walking so funny because they are walking on soft grass and only you are walking on stones that they can not see. You must be drunk they infer and so you gather your wits and grab a cane or an arm of someone who is close to you for not only support but as a visible sign that you are not impaired of your own choosing. Although the walk has become painfully difficult you still enjoy the things around you, the fresh air the sweet smells. Suddenly your companion Depression appears decides to join in on the fun and tag team you with Multiple Sclerosis. A black mesh bag is thrown over top of you that is translucent, smells of garbage and is heavy and wet. No longer can you feel the warmth of the sun, but the heat bakes you inside your invisible sac. You feel like you are in a sauna running a marathon trying to walk on your path that is covered in stones. No longer can you smell the fresh air or grass, but only garbage. You are aware that others around you are enjoying themselves and they reach out to you to join them, but can't see that you are covered by a shroud of darkness. They notice that you are having difficulties and are aware of your companions and reach out to you to take their hands, they grab your arm to steady you, but you can't feel it, or worse yet their grip becomes painful as if the bag is covered in tiny wires that electrocute you every time it touches you. The bag is cinched around your chest and each breath you take is laboured and your chest can't expand to get a breath of air. Everyone else around you sees a beautiful park with fresh air and sweet grass, yet you are stranded in an envelope of pain  darkness and sadness. You try and speak but the words come out in a mi-sh-mash of sounds. Your helpers try and guess what you have to say and speak the words your mouth can not make because the bag, in every breath you take, fills your mouth. You cry tears of frustration but the bag changes them and it becomes uncontrollable laughter. You suddenly and urgently need to use the bathroom unsure of it is your bowels or your bladder sending the signal. You want to go home, but they bag distorts your view and you simply can't remember where you have left the safety of your car.  Keeping your eyes open becomes a momentous achievement and this battle you are fighting invisible as it is sucks the energy out of you until you pass out. 

This is the hell that someone with MS can experience in a moments notice. This is my hell. My companions. They are familiar to me and when I feel their dark embrace, you may not notice. You may wonder what to do. You may feel as helpless as I do watching me struggle inside a sack of despair or along an uneven path. The only thing to do is wait along side with me. Be patient until my companions have decided to give me release. If only for a little while, and enjoy the moments when I am not encumbered. For those moments are so precious that to share them, that is truly priceless.