So I'm an artist now

It's funny when you look back on your life. How you realize that each moment lead up to you to right here right now.  You realize that God has his own plan while all along you've believed the universe has conspired against you.  It's been a while since I've posted.  I would apologize for being so lax but I'm not sorry.  The truth is I've been really busy.  I will however give you a run down of what I've been up to dear reader.

If you've missed it, I've uprooted myself and my daughter and moved to British Columbia.   Ironically my brother Jason decided to do the same thing and beat me here by a few months.   My new obsession had become painting in Ontario and it has followed me here.  Thank goodness my girlfriend is also pretty crafty, because the amount art supplies we  own borders on the obscene.  Which means I fit right into the ginormous artists community out here.  I have sold my first work of art and now have my own fb page dedicated to my work. I can't show you my favorite work because it really wasn't meant to be seen.  Really it looked like a six year old's art project gone wrong.  But it feels exactly the way I wanted and smells of it too.  The Lady I made it for said it was the most beautiful piece of Art she's ever felt.  She's a pianist who has battled cancer and lost her sight.  God speaks through her divinely inspired music.  The fact that she's blind allowed me to weep freely and unashamed while she played.  I wish everyone one the face of the earth could hear her story and listen to her music.  It is truly indescribable.  It is life changing.  For her I created a work of art only those who look at things from her view point can understand. 

My daughter has cut her hair and dyed it.  She's fitting in nicely as well.  God she's growing up to be a fine young woman and she makes me proud.  She's even getting a little bit artsy and is pretty good with an ink pen.

I completed my Test for a bachelor's of Divinity and am now waiting for my results.  In the meantime I've started the work on my masters. 

I have also grieved out here.  My dear friend Teddy passed on peacefully.  He was a special Zadie to my Daughter, and like a second Dad to me in many ways.  He was one of the few people who understood my illness.  We encouraged each other to write, and he encouraged me to move out here.  He had done a similar thing many many years ago.  I think of him daily.

So these and a million more reasons are why I have not taken the time to write to you dear reader.

There are a lot  of things going on in my life and many many more to come. 

Be Blessed, praise God, pray often

Pam

Oh Ye of little faith

I am currently in a position of hurry up and wait.  I have been here many times before.  Our timing is not God's timing, and so I wait for God to direct my footsteps as I look down the path ahead of me.  But I wish my brain would be still. 

My old friend anxiety rears it's ugly head as soon as I feel I'm not in control.  Of course I cognatively know I am in control of very little, but the feeling still persists.  Nor do I want the control.  Really.  I'd much rather have God be in control of my life.  But sometimes a time line would be helpful.

Moving 4 province's away was a gigantic leap of faith for me.  If you told me 3 years ago that I would sell my house and move 4000 plus kilometers away I would have thought you slipped a cog. 

We aren't homeless.  We have friends who have graciously lent us their home to roost in.  We are safe and healthy.  But it isn't mine.  My stuff is sitting in the same city in a storage container.  Hurry up and wait.

My desire to paint is so overwhelming I find it hard to focus on much else.  My last painting sun set on Rice Lake was completed back in Ontario.  The scenery here just begs to be painted.  I have been flooded with ideas.  But have no place to paint.  Hurry up and wait.

I know the Lord would not direct me out here and just leave me.  So, right now I am thankful for the guidance and love that he has provided.  I turn my fear into Joy and proclaim I will wait in solid understanding that the Lord knows my path and where my footsteps shall be placed.  The Lord will not allow my foot to slip, that I am watched over and no harm shall come to my family. 

In your service Lord.  I am here and I know you are too.  Even when my flesh is weak.

Moving onwards

I know I have been neglectful.  I've disappeared for far too long.  If it helps I've got a good reason.

I have been wantingto see mountains and in April I did!  I fell in love with them.  As a bonus my girlfriend lives in bc.  So I sold my house, gave my SUV to my Dad, packed up everything I own and shipped it out here.  I am now officially a resident of Bc as of last week.

It is a big (understatement of the year) change for my daughter and I.  It was her that suggested it.  I feel a little more at peace and know that I am in the place that the Lord wants me.

I do miss my family and friends, but I think of them often and it's almost as if they are here too.  I even got to sing the fishing song to my girlfriends kid that me and my Buddy Vic sang.

There is purpose for me here.  I know the Lord has a plan for me.  He has been guiding my footsteps all along.  Thank you Lord for blessing me.

Home

It's funny how the concept of home changes over the years.  When I was a child, home was always my parents house on the lake.  When I became an adult, I got married and bought my own home.  I felt as if I had two "homes".  When I got divorced I bought my own home and that became my home.  I've never really been comfortable anywhere other than home.  Sure it's nice to visit other places. I would even consider moving there in the future.  But nothing is like home.

My daughter several months ago suggested a move all the way across  country to British Columbia.  Instantly a rock formed in my stomach at the thought of living anywhere other than home.  We needed to see if we really liked it out there, so we went for a visit.

For an almost 13 year old she's pretty smart.  We went to BC and pretty quickly I felt as if I was home, something that had never happened in my life.  Both her and I made friends and we're surrounded by a community that loved us.

This past few years I have witnessed so much death and destruction.  Lost so many people.  Some of whom were my friends, some of whom were self serving people to whom I no longer served a purpose and was discarded like a used tissue. I am exhausted.  The feeling of being loved and supported was amazing.  My daughter making life long friends was phenomenal.

So we have decided to move.  My daughter is anxious to get started in her new life.  Truth be told so am I.  There is so much more freedom that she can have there, something I can't offer her here.  I have never considered moving away from everything I have known.  But it's time to start new.   There are some friends and family  that I will miss.

Alive and Well

Hello again folks, it's me again, your friendly neighbourhood MS warrior. I have not disappeared off the face of the earth. I'm just on an extended vacation. Yes you read this correctly, I am on vacation. My girlfriend has flown me out to British Columbia and I am fulfilling my dream of seeing mountains. I will have a plethora of pictures to share with you later. But in the interim I thought I'd give you a little run down on how vacationing has affected me.

Quite simply put, vacationing has made me incredibly dimwitted. God bless the lovely home owners who have put up with me. I have tried to explain that I am actually, some what, educated and am typically not so absent minded. Three years of college, making the president's honour roll and dean's list, is quickly discounted when you lock yourself out of the house 6 days in a row and 8 times in total. They have grown accustomed to my sheepish knock and even the dogs lift their heads with a raised eyebrow as if to say, “come on really?” I have been told it's because I've finally been able to relax after a life time of running on high alert. I accept the explanation with a healthy bit of skepticism, preferring instead to go on the premise that I have left my brain somewhere in Ontario. Perhaps when I ruptured my eardrum two weeks prior to coming here it crept out of my ear and went on it's own vacation.

The other thing I have noticed is that vacationing hurts terribly. That knot in my shoulder, due to stress, seems to be working it's way out under much protest and complaining from my muscles. My balance is greatly off and it's a small wonder that I haven't hugged the floor lately.

But these are just small things physically and mentally I am going through.

Emotionally, I can't ever remember a time when I've been at such peace and contented. This place makes me feel at ease, and welcomed. I have met friends here where I have felt more like a friend coming back from a long time away than as a complete stranger. The mountains are as magnificent as I have dreamed about and have caught myself welling up with tears because of the beauty. The many lakes I've visited or driven passed glisten like they have been dusted with specks of gold. Even in the cloudy weather and gloom I have been in awe watching a tiny cloud dance across the mountain. At times I've wanted to grab a hold of complete strangers and point out the beauty of the this place. I am in awe.

I don't want to leave. I'm actually dreading going home.

Morning visitor

It's been a hard few months for me. Although I am excited to finally go to BC and see my beautiful girlfriend, oh and see the Pacific Ocean and oh yes mountains. Lots and Lots of mountains (Which has been a dream of mine for many many years). I can't wait to get away. I feel like I've been in a maelstrom of turmoil for months, perhaps even years and it will be nice to slip that off for a few weeks. It is amazing, she has footed the bill to fly both my daughter and myself out to see her. So the excitement is times two!

I will miss somethings from home. My morning greeter namely. Since December I have had brilliantly coloured cardinal who has cheered me almost every morning. It's not uncommon to hear them where I live, but this one has taken up residency in the cedars in my yard. I even hear him calling in the mid afternoon and it always causes me to smile. I do hope that he sticks around when I am gone.

I'll try to blog more frequently, but of late all I have really wanted to do is paint. Forsaking almost all of my usual hobbies to immerse myself in painting. Usually some music or space documentary playing in the background. It makes me happy to paint and even more happy to give pieces to people I care about. If you have received a painting from me count yourself lucky! It means I really value you as a person. I'm still not very good at it. (I'm more of a musician than an artist), but each work I do I contemplate whom I'm giving it to and spend hours (more like days actually) creating each piece. Here are a few that I have done.

Peace be unto you!

 Painting of my parents yard

Painting of my dear friend fishing


 






 


A sea shell wind chime I strung and painted that my dear friend had collected and wanted to do for himself.







 














Lake View Park the Morning my Girlfriend left for BC 





















 
 Enso.... Google it

 

My first attempt at a waterfall   

                                                      

   A church I liked the Picture of!                    

My Second attempt at a waterfall            

  The Bushido Code (Free hand)



















The Last teaching of O'Sensei Miyagi and the 8 Poems of the fist (free hand)

Splatter Painting

 Waterfall for a friend

     

Wisteria

          

  A wave Crashing at Darlington Park

 


















A Birthday Gift for a family friend

An open letter to the child at my daughter's school who was so cruel

Dear child,

Perhaps you weren't aware how much you hurt and humiliated my daughter by pointing out to the entire class that her father is an alcoholic. I know you were frustrated with the basketball game, perhaps you let your temper get the best of you. I know sometimes tempers flare, she might have even been a little bossy (she gets like that sometimes like most kids), as adults we forgive them and try and guide them to do better. I'm sure you must know this as you pointed out “your dad coached basketball, and what did she know her father is an alcoholic”.

Perhaps you don't realize even what this means because you've grown up with a Dad who has been there for you teaching you, guiding you and loving you. It's obvious that he's spent a lot of time with you because you were so proud of the fact that he was a coach, proud of him. Child I pray to God that you never understand what having an alcoholic as a father truly means. I hope when you grow up and have children that they never have to experience what she has gone through. No child should have to be ashamed and afraid of and afraid for their father.

You won't know what it's like because your Dad is sober, he's a Dad. You are proud of your dad, she is embarrassed by her father. You get to experience things she will never get to experience, like having your Dad at  school functions, taking you camping, or being there Christmas morning as you come down the stairs to open your gifts. You get your Dad for things like family dinners , help with your homework, even discipline and to take care of you when you are sick. He's there for you to ask questions to and to guide you in life. She has never experienced any of those things. Ever.

You probably don't know how much it hurt her and humiliated her because she has had a lot of practice putting on a brave face, pretending that it doesn't bother her. I've had to watch in horror as she has learned over the last 12 and a half years to perfect that face. To laugh and joke about things she should really be crying about. But I know the difference I'm her Mom. I've been there for every play, every award, every day for all of her life. I have shared with her the good times and the bad times, every heart ache and disappointment she has ever had. I've been there, because I have to be, because I choose to be, because I want to be. She is the bravest person you or I have ever met, even though you don't know it.

What I want from you child who spoke so thoughtlessly, is tonight,when you hug your Dad , hug him twice because she can't hug hers. Cherish every minute with him that you can, if not for your own sake but for hers. Be glad when he is angry with you or frustrated with you because he's there. When he disciplines you be thankful that he cares enough for you to do so. Be extra proud of him because she's so ashamed of her own father.

My hope for you child is that you never have to experience the pain that she has had in her life. That no one is as cruel to you as you were to her (even if you don't understand it). That you enjoy having a two parent family and relish it. I hope no one in your family looses everything to alcohol like her father has. I also hope that you Dad teaches you how better to control your words because they can damage just as much as anything else.

I hope you never look down on anyone else in your life unless you are helping them up.

Gimpy New years!

 

I have to apologize for not updating sooner, so many things have happened in my life of late that I just didn't seem to have time. Writing is something that I enjoy doing, and I've been neglecting it and myself lately.

Right now my brain and my legs are not communicating. My left leg has been a little defiant for the last 10 years and acts up on occasion. When I say acting up, I mean the darn thing is acting like an errant child. I find myself wanting to holler at it, stand up straight, no not that way, follow along with me, come on pay attention! And just like a defiant child the screaming and complete melt down happens that you know is coming long before it happens, usually in the grocery store. NO get off the floor, don't do that, fine we are going home and you are grounded. My left hand is typically sketchy at the best time. It's been a long time since I dared carry anything hot in my left, ever since the scalding incident of 2005. I knew better, but coffee is so delicious that my left hand wanted to cuddle it too!

Don't panic folks. I know my body, it's limitations and what I can do with it. (Okay sometimes I'm not quite sure what it's doing, but I know what to do with it.)

Probably I should mention about now that I've had a girlfriend for the last 3 months. I kinda feel like a bad girlfriend right now for not mentioning it earlier. I'm very proud of her! Recently she has completed the required schooling to become a reverend. There is a holier than thou joke in there somewhere. At least she has blazed the trail for me. She has been amazingly supportive to me.

As usual my life a a combination of completely incredible events. I was speaking to a friend of late, and realized that if I didn't know me I wouldn't believe half of the the stuff that has happened in my life. Proof in point that the truth is stranger than fiction. I just don't have the imagination to create my life and all it foibles at this time. (I wish I were that talented)

I've been into creating art of late I've completed some exceedingly large embroidery projects of late (One took a year and a quarter and just about 800 hours). , and have been taking an active interest in painting. Basically anything creative and artsy I'm game.

Since my Sensei has just recently passed. I've been seriously considering taking a break from Karate. I am going to visit a dojo in BC where my Girlfriend has a friend who is blind trains. I'll still help out in the special needs classes, but my heart isn't into it right now. Perhaps I have to let my heart and body heal first. No I'm not giving up, just taking some time for me.

People have come and gone in the last year and I've had a tremendous amount of heart break, but with out shadow there can not be light. I used to spend time dwelling on it, but I've finally come to some conclusions that people who want to be in your life will make an effort to be there. I have stopped worrying about it, and when others do wrong to me I realize that my faith should not be stored up in man but in God, because man is fallible God is not.

I've also realized that my way of thinking is a lot different from most people this year which leads to my confusion with people. Luckily my Girlfriend thinks along the same lines I do. We were discussing this the other day and she was trying to figure out why people do the things that they do, what is the thinking pattern behind it. A complete dawn broke on the conversation when I told her, to understand them just imagine thinking and doing exactly the opposite of everything you believe and stand for. Suddenly it all made sense, really to the both of us. It's just difficult to keep that paradigm in mind when you are dealing with the masses.

This year I got to spend a lot of time with my friend and drank a lot of coffee around his kitchen table. We also toured around and fished, and then fished some more, and then when we were done fishing, we fished some more. His fishing gear was gifted to me when he passed. You can tell a lot about him by the gear in his boxes. Even though I knew he had gigantic hands, it was evident in his box which had scores of tweezers in it. He had a lot of patients, because there were a ton of home made lures in his gear. He was creative as there were very unique designs of lures. He was imaginative because there were lures made out of objects that were re-purposed. I kind of wonder how often his wife would look for a pair of earrings and wonder where they went..... I found them... a lot of them. It got me looking at things differently which you knew that he must have had a different way of looking at things with all the different objects in there. I found myself looking at objects and wondering what they would look like with a hook “swimming” in the water.

My schooling was coming along well, but stagnated. Perhaps while I am waiting for purpose and direction it might be wise to do some more.

It is a new year, and I'm sure will be filled with new opportunities. The consistent nagging of my life will continue, but I see a breath of air in my future and hope. It is a dangerous thing.

Kindred Spirits

I know it's been a while since I've written and will inform you all of all the changes that have gone on in my life in the last year, both good and bad at a later time. Right now I want to tell you about a Kindred Spirit of mine. His Name is Vic.

I met Vic at a Karate function a few years back, and just happened to find him roaming about the area where I live and offered him a lift. It's hard to talk about him with out discussing Karate, which we did a lot. He was also my Sensei for the past year. We did spend a lot of time discussing Karate Theory, Bunkai and Oio, The great teachers of old and of new and anything to do with Martial Arts in general, even if remotely.

Our relationship was so much more than Karate. We would spend hours around his kitchen table just talking about everything and anything. He'd talk about his Grandmother who was Italian and called every noodle Macaroni, His Grandfather who spoke “the old tongue” only when he wanted to discuss something in front of him that he didn't want to him to know. He regretted not being able to learn Gaelic and had only managed to pick up a few words. He'd tell me stories about the places he'd lived and some of the things he'd done. A lot of which I'm far too much of a gentlewoman to repeat. He got excited every time one of his black belts came to visit and tell me all about it. He'd tell me stories about his wife and his daughter, both of whom he spoke with such reverence and admiration I was pretty terrified to even spend time with his daughter.

We went everywhere this last year together. We went on excursions weekly somewhere new. If I went to the grocery store he came with me anytime I'd leave the house he would come along. My friends started calling him my shadow, or “my husband”, which he was mistaken for once by a 11 year boy much to his amusement and my distress. I enjoyed having him around. We could talk for hours and loose track of time, or sit in silence and just enjoy being in each others presences.

We also watched the stars together. Last year I had learned that we might have the chance to see the northern lights. I picked him up in the middle of the night and drove out of the city just to see if we could catch a glimpse of them. We never got to see them, but he told me all about how to tell the difference between a planet and a star, (stars twinkle planets don't). He talked of the 7 sisters a star cluster warriors and hunters used to use as an eye test. (I'm blind I couldn't find them). Once driving home from Karate we both mistook a plane for a planet and laughed our asses off. Real Junior astronomers we were.

It was a good thing that he wasn't just my Sensei, because I probably would still be doing push ups for the amount of times I called him an ass hole. (Always jokingly and with love). Like the time he broke the cane seat that he bought (probably from a yard sale or second hand store) fell on his rear among the fishing gear and hooks and managed to save his coffee amazingly. He sat on mine. Or the time he kicked a full bucket of worms off the deck that I had just bought by mistake, because he was busy fiddling with his rod. I think he got a kick out of it.

He loved when his daughter checked up on him and told him to wear proper attire. A lot of times I think he wore the wrong thing just so that I'd send him in the house to get a hat or a coat and I think he did the same with here. It made him feel like we were paying attention.

We went camping in the Summer and he loved to warm himself on the fire. My friend and I were concerned that he was going to fall into it or loose his teeth in the flames. When he woke and used the bathroom, we tried to sneak his chair back from the fire. He came back and not to be out done stood there over the fire kinda rocking from side to side or back and forth, jingling his change in his pocket. When we finally went to sleep in the tent. (much to my relief he had brought PJ's because he had joked he was going to sleep in the buff. They were Skip's PJ pants. How he managed to fit them is beyond me. They were unisex) He got up in the middle of the night and accidentally burnt all the kindling. He must have noticed sometime around dawn, because he went lumbering through the forest looking for twigs to break to replace the kindling. He had cake for breakfast as it was his birthday (the night before we had burgers for dinner with cake.) I made us coffee (his hands were always too big to fit in the container) and then we went fishing and then for a drive.

We liked to fish, and did a lot of it. In September we went fishing for salmon in the rain for hours. The only place we had to keep our smokes from getting wet was in his back pocket. Every time I wanted a smoke or he'd want one I'd have to fish them out of his back pocket. (His hands wouldn't fit.) We laughed a lot about, “It's been a while since I've had a woman that close to my ass.” he smirked and giggled about. One time when we were fishing we spied a folding chair that he wanted. It was across the mouth of the creek and he didn't swim. The water wasn't that deep but the water was moving quickly and he didn't want to get caught up. I peeled down to my undies (making him promise that he wasn't going to tell anybody he saw my undies) and waded into the water, across the way and retrieved the folding chair for him. He kept it and dragged it home.

Only two things I found out scared him, One was drowning and the other was holding his grand daughter for the first time. This great big man with great big hands was really afraid of hurting his newborn grand baby. When he finally held her in his hands he stared in awe at this little precious life he held in his arms. It was amazing to watch him fall in love. Something if you have never experienced watching before is indescribable. I was happy I got to share this moment with him.

I took him to my parents house a few times where he borrowed my dad's binoculars and sat still as a stone for three hours watching the lake and all the wildlife and birds. I took him to the cottage my parents rented so we could fish and see the wildlife there. We caught nothing and ended up going home because he had worn pants and a long sleeve shirt, short sleeve and fishing vest in 30 degree weather. He got heat stroke and slept until we got back to Oshawa. He wanted to wear the vest that his daughter had bought him. He loved to show it off.

On my birthday (December 12th) he phoned me and sang me happy birthday and had something special for me. I was supposed to go over later that afternoon or evening and have coffee with him. He was excited and in good spirits. He never texted me back. It was the last time I was to hear from him.

I drove him to Karate every Monday for a while and went to pick him up. Concerned that I hadn't heard from him. There was a pit in my stomach, that had been there for a while. I hoped that he had gone over to see his daughter and grand baby. I hoped that he had forgotten to pay his phone bill and that's why he never called me back or texted me. I hoped that he maybe lost his phone (which he had done the week before and I found for him.) I knocked and waited for him to holler at me to come in. (I was long passed knocking. Usually I just walked in, but something made me hesitate.) I took a big breath, screwed my courage to the sticking place and went in. I found my friend, my shadow, my Sensei, my buddy, on the floor.

That image will probably never fade away no matter how much time passes. But ever time I see it in my minds eye as clear as a snap shot I remember. I remember the way his eyes twinkled when he was really amused by something, or the way they lit up when he had a brilliant idea. The way he loved to laugh which to me a lot of times sounded like Ernie. The way this giant of a man never made me feel small in any way. The way he'd reach down his great big hands to haul me up over an embankment. The way he was always around to help me around the house, changing smoke detector batteries or putting up my gazebo or some other thing. The way he would curse like a trooper fishing as he tangled the line or hooked a tree or himself for the hundredth time that day. The way that he always made time for me and I for him. The way he loved the stories that I wrote about the fish that turned into a dragon. The way he ran out of the grocery store with an arm load of Knockwurst after searching for a frigging year like the lady in the IKEA commercial who yells start the car! The way he took care of me, and the way I took care of him. These things I remember. Every day.

We were Kindred Spirits. The words I miss him seem so cheap and so flimsy to describe the way I feel. Although I wish I had met him sooner, I was so very grateful for the time that we spent together.