I choose to fight

There is a local fairly unknown beach about a minutes drive from my house. I'm actually surprised more people don't hang out there. It is probably the nicest beach in Oshawa. It just so happens that I grew up a half a kilometre away from there. Anyhow, it was just what I needed to clear some of the cobwebs out of my brain. I thought for fun I'd post my video that I made about 6 months ago regarding MS, Karate and myself. I titled it, I choose to fight. Every day I fight to get up to make my body move the way I want it and although it is a constant battle I want to people to know that there is hope. Before I started martial arts I was on some pretty heavy duty drugs to help cope with the disease. I now take very little. There is hope. Before I started to train I had no balance and couldn't support my wieght on my left leg, nor jump. I know it seems like a small thing, but if you consider all the tiny muscles and major muscles it takes to jump straight up in the air it's kinda of amazing. I can actually hop on my left foot now, something I never dreamed possible. Anyhow, take a look at the video. Keep fighting friends!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9sC4edwLObc&list=UU1-Qzy3OUgYFzfh5TlxsI8g

You take the good you take the bad

Yesterday was a particularly hard day for me. My ex husband for the second day in a row made my child cry. There is only so much pizza you can throw at a child. I had soothed her to the best of my ability. Mommy's work is never done. I decided to phone a friend, I needed to sooth my emotional needs. This friend I had stood up for, received calls from at all hours of the night and loved to the best of my ability. I thought certainly she would not hesitate to take my call. Suddenly instead of getting the emotional support I needed, something I had been so forthcoming in giving her, she had no time for me. I decided that I needed to end this toxic one sided relationship then and there. We all have friends who require more than the average support, but a true friend regardless of the circumstances will always extend there shoulder to give you support in a moment of weakness. I was amazed as this “friend” hurled insults at me and realized yes I had made the right decision. I had started to question the validity of the friendship months ago and decided no matter how much my heart spoke that my gut and my mind needed to win this conversation. It broke my heart, but the funny thing about hearts is that they always mend. The main feeling I feel for her is pity, so I suppose she is right in that I am holding a pity party for one, except my pity isn't directed at me it's at her. I pity her for not realizing that the world comes in all sorts of wonderful colours and the only thing with true value in this world is people. When you serve only yourself you find that you have only yourself for company. For me to put down such a hard line is really unheard of but drastic times call for drastic measures. It reminds me of my counselling years, when I told a particularly stubborn client, “hey if you want some help, help yourself until you do I can't do anything for you.” So I got off the “phone” with her and immediately the texts started coming in from those who truly love me for me. It made me realize that I am truly blessed. It also made me realize that in order for good things to be blessed upon me I had to remove the toxic ones that were taking up the space that could be used for blessings. Surround yourself with those who bless you and you will have your own piece of heaven. I made the choice to surround myself with those who see the value in me and for those people I am truly grateful. Not that my friends won't require my support, but with the people that love me it's a quid pro quo situation. I give them love and they return it. I give them support and if I ever need it they return it too! Some lessons in life are painful, this was one that I sorely needed to learn.

I miss the village I never had

Recently a very dear friend sent me a link to an article in the Huffington post called I miss the village. The Link is here: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/bunmi-laditan/i-miss-the-village_b_5585677.html It speaks about the social isolation that women are feeling because of the ever shrinking world we live in. Although we are a global community now in theory we should growing closer as a global community but technology has had a paradoxical effect on community. Instead of growing closer it has pushed us apart. No longer do we have to use our empathy skills to cope with the community around us, we can choose to find a new group or station to go to. We compartmentalize relationships and isolate the ones that we deem not as pleasant and make no effort to understand the community that is on our door step. This not only applies to women, but to men as well. The hunters no longer have to work together and the alpha male mentality is accentuated to a degree where all men believe that they must be the “top dog” it is a back biting society we live in. No longer to men have to work together to hunt a kill or to raise a barn, they can plop down in front of a computer and at the end of the day go home to which ever community they choose on line. It's not that I believe that the stereotypical roles are conducive to a good society, but I believe that having a society is conducive to having a good society. Unfortunately there is no station that fits me as an individual. A Christian who is not as welcome to the church because of years of incorrect thinking, a lesbian who is a Christian who is an out cast because of my beliefs, a single mom who can't identify with the search to have a father in my child's life because a man is not what I seek. There is no particular group in which I belong. Because of the technology and the new age we live in we devalue people and rank them in order of what can they give to the relationship instead of valuing the relationship it's self. And that is a damn shame. So what can we do? Shut off our computers and go outside, greet a stranger make a friend, do random acts of kindness and try and get back some of the socialization that we desperately need. Realize that we are not entitled to anything that the world does not owe us anything and that we are put on this earth to serve each other. Above all, love each other, truly love people and show it to them. The most valuable gift you can give someone now is your time. Unplug from the global community for a while and search out in your own. Give of yourself, you are unique and worth knowing!

Is sexuality a choice?

Growing up in a hetero-normative family, I have often felt as if I am the odd ball. Given my druthers I have clearly stated that living a heterosexual life is just not that possible for me. Okay let me change that statement. I could live a heterosexual life, but I just wouldn’t be happy. I would not feel fulfilled in my life, and I have spent far too long in relationships that aren’t fulfilling to subject myself to that again. I also bare in mind that I have a child. She needs to learn that in her life, when she is older (much much older) that she needs to find someone whom compliments her life. That she should not settle for less than she deserves. I recently scanned an article that spoke about a lesbian who had chosen to be a lesbian. I do question this poor girls sanity, but given that she is independent and makes her own money it isn’t much of a burden on her. What does money have to do with being a lesbian? Easy question. In our misogynistic North American life, women still on average make less than men. It’s not that women aren’t qualified to do the same jobs or as educated, but there is the gender gap. It reminds me of a joke, a man was asking a male to female transgendered individual who had just come out of surgery what the most painful part was. She replied the pay cut. This is a sad joke on so many levels, but very true. Women typically make less than men, and gay women typically are some of the poorer individuals. Consider a woman who gets out of a marriage because she is a lesbian. Women more often than not get custody of the children (although this trend is thankfully changing). Being a single mom is difficult on so many levels, especially financially. Above mentioned woman finds a partner who also has children. Bingo. Very low income family with very high bills. Anyone who has children can attest to the increased bills due to kids! I digress, so is sexuality a choice. No it's something inborn, but you can choose to go against your sexuality and live and opposite life. Who would want to?

Lesbian Dating Continued

Sometimes I even shake my head and think this can't be real, but it is. I have been on some epically bad dates in the last year. This last one wasn't terrible, but the after math was epically bad. The date was actually kinda cool. Guitar at the lake park. Amazing idea. I'll probably end up using that myself. But my date was into pot and smoke up.... constantly. Later during dinner I decided that I didn't see the future in a relationship here. We parted ways. I thought we were done. Apparently not. She decided that she would inform her friends that I was a jerk and neglect to mention that she had been rude to waitresses and extraordinarily high. Perhaps she was too stoned to see the complete asinine way she behaved (they do call it dope for a reason) and thought she would have her friends contact me. Her friend being an ex of an ex of mine. The ex's ex is a particularly nasty “person” to which I responded particularly nastily too. I'm not usually that crude, but it was a special case and I was extraordinarily angry. What didn't this girl get, I blocked her on Facebook and what not and here she was having her friends email me? Really? I also emailed my “date” and told her that I wanted nothing more to with her and to not respond to the email as I wished nothing to do with her in the future. Doesn't she email me back blasting me and threatened to call a lawyer if I contacted her again. Wait didn't I just tell you NOT to contact me? The girl was so high writing the email that amidst the spelling errors, lack of punctuation and gaps in the English language she misspelled her own name. How high do you have to be to type your name wrong? I honestly believe that marijuana should be legalized especially for medical reasons, but my word this woman needs to come off of it FOR medical reasons. Some random texts from an unknown number that were equally misspelled and I thought she was done. Nope, she emails me this morning:

Hello I am very sorry to bother you. and very sorry on how things turned out was not my intention at all.

i was wondering without bothering you or taking you out of production as i know you
are busy

but would you be able to tell me that artists name that you kept playing?

I found his lyrics to be fun and uplifting.

thank you

////////////

xx

I know I'm a busy person and I write a lot, but production? Were you high when I told you I'm a single Mom and can't work due to disability? Yes yes you were. Not to mention she had threatened to call a lawyer if I contacted her? After I asked her not to contact me.... and she did again. I just shake my head. I had taken down all of my dating profiles months ago. I think I want to stay single. The lesbian dating pool is just not fun to swim in. One day Mrs. Right will come a long. I'm just not going to subject myself to anymore crazy.  Lady don't go away mad..... just go away!

Facing fears

This past week I did a lot of facing my fears. I would not say I over came them, but I did walk bravely up to them vomit on their shoes and look them dead in the eye and say hey I'm afraid and that is okay. I was blessed by my dear friends with a camping trip. I am more grateful than words can express to them for this. A mere thank you doesn't seem to be sufficient to express my heart felt gratitude. While I use the term friends it doesn't encompass the depth of feeling that I have for them. They are more than friends, they are my family by choice. They gave me a chance to expand on my horizons and experience things that were completely out of my comfort zone. Something that isn't common knowledge is that I suffer from Generalized anxiety disorder and agoraphobia. This trip tested them both to the max. Being away from home stresses me out to the max and this time I was almost 500 miles away from home. It ended up that I drove all of those miles there and back without an adult accompaniment. I was proud that I only threw up once. I dreaded going even though this was a fun trip. I push myself to do these things because it terrifies me. It's a part of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. These are things that most people can accomplish. I can too, albeit the vomiting isn't suave, but I did it and I'm proud. (Thank god for public restrooms. North Bay will never be the same.) I also faced my fear of bears. Thank God we had decided to leave early as a troop of bears had sauntered into the camp ground that day. Facing fears is one thing, putting your safety at risk is completely different. So my advice to you, if you are afraid do it anyhow. Sometimes you will be amazed by the results.