Dreams

 

I had that dream again. It's strange, it's almost as if the mountains are calling me. The messages and and conversations I have had with people in the last few weeks regarding mountains is actually pretty incredible. It is a recurring theme in my life right now and I'm not quite sure what it all means. There are far too many to be a coincidence. I know when something is on your mind you tend to make connections to it frequently, but it has happened all to frequently to be a case of “seeing what you want to see”. I had a new friend in Karate the other day show me pictures of the west coast and honestly my heart felt a pang. Some day my friends some day.

Speaking of Karate, I've been throwing (haha) myself at little harder at it. Since my last attack I am trying to make a more concerted effort to train with more intensity.  I have been blessed with many black belt friends in my life and do enjoy discussing karate and working out. I also enjoy watching others train. Really watching black belts throw each other around is actually kinda fun. One of the last classes I attended recently, I was tossed by a black belt and whacked my head off something hard. It turned out to be the Sensei, who smiled as he looked down on me. There is nothing graceful about hurriedly trying to pick yourself up and apologizing for racking your head off his shin, all while trying to stifle your laughter. I mean really of all the things to get thrown into in the dojo it had to be the Sensei right?

I've also tried to make some different changes in my life. I am eliminating the negativity in my life and those who bring it about. I want people who edify me as I in turn edify them. I have had a tendency to accept people in my life who in order to build themselves up tear me down. A very wise friend once told me that “Love is an action word”. I love my friends and they in turn love me they show this to me on a daily basis in thousands of ways. Stepping back and examining my life I realized how truly blessed I am. By eliminating the negative it makes room for more positive people and influences in my life.  Maybe I'm moving mountains?  Sigh.  I just want to see them.

Seeing Mountains.....

Have you ever had a dream so real that you opened your eyes and reality seemed to pale in comparison? Woken yourself up laughing or crying? Felt something so deeply that you could swear you could reach your hand out and touch it? I have dreams like that sometimes. One of them was so real I woke up sobbing.

In my dream I opened my eyes and I was on an air plane. I was traveling and I had no idea where I was going (the first time I had this dream, I had never even been on a commercial plane before). I was exiting the plane and I walked into the airport tunnel disoriented and terrified. Suddenly I felt the warmth of the sun as it streams through a window. I turned my head to see where I was and saw mountains. I fell to my knees and started sobbing in the middle of the airport traffic with people pushing to get passed me. All I could do was marvel at the magnitude of the mountains, and weep as I stared at their beauty. I was suddenly unafraid, I didn't know where I was but I didn't care at all. Nothing mattered any longer, all I could do is marvel how big the mountains were. How majestic they stood with the snow on their peak and the green grass surrounding them. I didn't care that people around me had obviously thought I had skipped a cog. I saw them. I could feel my heart pounding in my chest and I had realized that I was holding my breath. Breathing was no longer a mechanical action and I had to force the air out of my chest, my inhalations were stuttered as my chest hitched. The tears ran down my cheeks and I tried to speak, but no words would come out save for, “My God”. Suddenly hands were on me dragging me away and my heart broke. I just wanted to stand there for an eternity and drink in the vision of them.

In reality it was my girlfriend at the time who was shaking me trying to wake me. In

my sleep I had been repeating “My God” and sobbing. She thought I was having a nightmare. When I went to rub the sleep out of my eyes, I couldn't get over how wet my face was. I wasn't just crying it was completely uncontrolled sobbing. But oh those mountains.

Months later my ex's brother visited and I was sharing my dream with him. Sounds like the airport in Vancouver, he quipped. My mouth fell open as if it became unhinged. He started telling me the view from blah blah terminal and I couldn't even comprehend the words that he was speaking. I just realized that there was actually a place that looked that that. How could I have known what it looked like in such detail. I rationalized that perhaps I must have seen a TV show or movie that had a scene in it that looked like that. Ever since that dream I have wanted to visit.

Since my last MS attack I have had time to think. I want to be able to stand before a mountain. To stand in it's shadow that was there long before me and will be there long after me. I need to stand there in defiance of it. Behold it's beauty. Stand up to it. In the last month several times a day I see posts from my friends about BC. I feel it drawing me like a compulsion.

There is another reason why I want to visit BC. Some of my birth family lives there. It's a curiosity for me to behold someone who shares a genetic make up with me. My Mom and Dad are my Mom and Dad. They are my parents with out question and I love them as any child loves there parents. I just would like to lay eyes on someone else who shares the same DNA as I do, (other than my child). Any of you cringing out there because you know my parents and are worried that they would be hurt need not worry. They love me and support me. They would be curious as heck too.

I need to go there.... I need to see mountains....I need to do it very soon.

An open letter to my next partner

Dear: Future partner wherever you may be and whomever you may be ,

Perhaps you've stumbled across this letter because you've become interested in my blog.  Perhaps you are curious about what I was like before you.  But regardless of why you are here, there are some things I want you to know.  Just in case I haven't articulated enough.   I chose  you as my partner  because I believe that you are truly an amazing individual.  I use the word partner not because I'm afraid of using a pronoun but because I want you to be my partner in this dance that we call life . I don't want you to be my other half because I believe I'm a whole individual, just like you are your own person. I want you to know that you won't complete me and I won't expect complete you. what I do hope from this relationship is that we compliment each other. Not in the way of me telling you that you're beautiful (which I probably have done about a million times), but in the way that two colors just seem to go together. I promise every time I've looked into your eyes and told you that you are beautiful I have meant it from the bottom of my heart. I also want you to know that if I ever tell you that I love you, I really do from the bottom of my heart because I don't ever take those words lightly. I'm not going to tell you that we won't ever argue or fight because let's face it in every healthy relationship that I've ever witnessed they fight, and I promise I will really worry if we don't. but even though we may argue I promise to be slow to anger and quick to forgive. I also promise that I will fully admit any time that I am wrong.  Which will probably be a lot and I'm sorry. I will never  call you names or degrade you or belittle you.  Nor will I ever threaten to leave you unless I am absolutely serious that I'm willing to walk away and I expect that you will do the same for me. I promise that when I'm looking around the room I'm not checking out other girls because you're my partner and I'm not interested in any of them. I swear i really am just looking around the room.  And yes I really AM that oblivious to the fact that girl may have been hitting on me. I really didn't know. I probably didn't even know that you had any interest in me as I'm kind of oblivious that way. I will never ever accuse you of cheating nor will I ever cheat on you. it's kind of a deal breaker for me if you do though. I want you to have your own friends. I don't even have to like them. in fact there's probably some of my friends that you can't stand and that's okay because they're my friends and vice versa.  Those things that make you uniquely you I want you to always have them.  I'm sorry I'm going to frustrate you when you ask me if this dress looks ok or skirt or pair of pants or does this Shirt go with this?  I suffer from what's known as fashion impairment. I won't have any clue when you talk about anything that has to do with hair or clothes or fashion or shoes. that glazed look in my eye is not disinterest but because you are speaking a language that I just have never been able to comprehend. I was putting my clothes on backwards before I even met you and I don't think you'll be able to change that in me either, but I won't take offense when you tell me to turn my shirt right side in.  I apologize in advance for spending way too much time thinking about talking about participating in and dreaming about karate.. no its not that I don't want to spend time with you and I know that there is going to be things that we are going to miss because of my incessant need to train .  It's just very important in my life and that's just going to be something that you'll have to get used to. no my ultimate goal isn't to have you as a martial artist it's fine that you have no clue what I'm talking about.  I promise I will never expect you to parent my child. she changed my entire world the minute that she was born and truth be told even before she was born. I will listen with an open ear to your inputs but ultimately will make my own decision as her parent.  You may be my partner, but a mother carries her child for life.   There will be lots of times where there will be conflict between her and I and it may impact our relationship.  This is all a part of having children.  She will always be my daughter and my obligations to keep her safe and healthy (both emotionally and physically) will never end. This may mean that our quality time together may be superseded by her needs.  If you are a parent as well I expect that the same thing will happen with you.
I'm sorry in advance for staying up late playing guitar even though I've played the same song 50 times already that day or getting up suddenly in the middle of the night and writing. I just have to create when the mood strikes me. it's either going to be a passion that you love or hate but its just me. I promise that your  beliefs are your beliefs and I won't ever change them. I will always respect yours and I expect that you will always respect mine. I will always listen to you with an open ear, heart and mind. I truly believe that there isn't anything that you can't accomplish by setting your mind to it. that includes any problems that we might have.  there is always a compromise and always a solution. something I probably will have to apologize for is not being a very snuggly type of a person it's just not my thing.  I don't mind cuddling on occasion, but in case you don't know I will always hold your hand even when I'm angry at you.  I hope the universe finds you well and I'll be waiting to meet you tomorrow, a year from now, 10 years from now whenever you choose to show up in my life.
Sincerely Pamela.

The changing face of MS

Currently I'm lying in bed dictating this to my phone. I have come up against a new foe in the battle against MS.  Its name is vertigo. I have been lying in bed now for about 4 days.. vertigo is not something that I have ever experienced before. I am getting very good at moving by keeping my head still. ironically I had to miss a couple meetings this week that focused around fundraising for multiple sclerosis due to multiple sclerosis. ironic isn't it? I keep thinking that I should name my bed. although I don't think the good ship lollipop is a good name, I'm willing to take suggestions. I think I'm going a little bit stir crazy as well. and I wonder how many episodes of The X Files I can watch in one day, although watching is probably a little bit of a misnomer. sometimes it's hard for me to even keep my eyes open for a few minutes. I took my wake up medication in hopes that I could spend a few hours conscious and in the land of the living to no avail. but on the brighter note I am quite pleased on how well the voice dictation works on my phone. Celebrating the little victories like showering and time spent conscious it's a great thing. Perhaps I should name my bed the SS Brian Wilson. my love to you all. I hope this one ends soon. I think that my bed should be my friend and not my nemesis.  Above is a picture of my little dog friend that I saw the other day while taking a walk for no reason other than I think he was pretty cute and it's hard to cruise for awesome pictures on my phone.

My reason for my tattoos

I love my tattoos. No really, I absolutely love them. Everyone gets tattoo's for their own reasons. Each as individual as the artwork on their body. The reason I got mine was not for just the artwork. That's why I started in my back. It was a personal reason I got my tattoo and for me alone. It wasn't that I was hiding my tattoo, it was just a very personal thing for me. I got my first one just after my daughter was born. It is an angel on my right shoulder blade with it's sword stuck into my flesh. It was to act as a gargoyle of sorts to my body. Protecting my right side from damage from what we thought was a stroke. The next tattoo I got was when I was diagnosed with MS. I had it drawn up as a Gaulish Christian warrior wrestling a demon. (Gaulish part was homage to my German ancestry.) It was from Ephesians 6:10-18:

Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord, and in the power of his might. (11) Put on the whole armor of God, that ye may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. (12) For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places. (13) Wherefore take unto you the whole armor of God, that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand. (14) Stand therefore, having your loins girt about with truth, and having on the breastplate of righteousness; (15) And your feet shod with the preparation of the gospel of peace; (16) Above all, taking the shield of faith, wherewith ye shall be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked. (17) And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God: (18) Praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, and watching thereunto with all perseverance and supplication for all saints

Each piece of the tattoo was carefully drawn to represent this piece. The warrior is engaged in close hand to hand battle with the demon, it's face twisted in a painful grimace. The demon is over powered by the warrior's shear strength and it is being forced to it's knees, it is overcome and overwhelmed by the warriors strength. No weapon is being brandished, it is more of a battle of wills and strength than of skill at fighting. It takes up about a quarter of the space on my back.

Other tattoo's on my body represent hurtles I've gone through in my life. The most noticeable tattoo is the one in the picture. It is my cherry blossoms (and the tiny maple leaf which I would hope doesn't need explaining). Most people just look at it like a beautiful piece of art work, which truth be told it is. This piece more than the other pieces represent me. It is in part homage to my Japanese ancestry. These piece was done by a Japanese tattoo artist. (Thank goodness not in old school Japanese method though). The cherry blossom is a symbol in many cultures, all of which are applicable in my case. In Japan it is called Sakura, in China ying hua. In both cultures it is prominent in culture and has completely different meanings. In Japan it represents the beauty, fragility and fleetingness of life. The blossom blooms so quickly, smells so sweet and dies so suddenly. This is my life, even though I'm encumbered by MS my life is short, but beautiful. In Chinese culture it represents all things female and feminine, beautiful and powerful, and of sexual liberation. Considering I'm a female, and lesbian it's kinda of appropriate too. In the Buddhist religion it symbolizes wisdom and enlightenment something that I strive for daily, but always seem to fall short. It is is reminder to be wise and seek wisdom.

All my tattoo's have deep meaning. Probably the number one reason I put a lot of them on my arms where people can see them is so that people can see them. For those of us who are facing (or potentially facing) a severe disability you probably understand. I have watched as MS decimates someones body. Watched as a bright, educated, and strong individual was made a prisoner of their own body. Their body atrophied, and left them unable to converse in conventional means. People who didn't know this person spoke to them as if they were an infant. Spoke to them as if they had never gotten an education, lived the richness of life, or had traversed the path to adulthood. If my body is to become my prison, if I am unable to care for myself and require the 24 hour care from another, I want them to know I lived. I want my body to reflect that I had passion and hope, dreams and ambition and that I lived life as fully as I could for as long as I could. I want my body to be able to tell the stories that I may not be able to vocalize. I want them not to speak down to me, but look up to me that I fought long and hard and speak to me with respect.

There is lots more work that I want done to my body, so little time and so little money, but I do what I can. My story isn't finished yet.

An open letter to all my Manic Depressive/ Bipolar friends:

Do not be ashamed of who you are. I know you are desperate for friends, but absolutely terrified of them seeing your manic side or your depressive side. (Dear heavens why does there have to be two?) I know that you are locked away in your house climbing walls and getting those million and one projects done or at lease half done, well maybe started at least. Or you are lying in bed crashing, too tired to move the blanket off of you, never mind getting out of bed. Let me congratulate you for getting out of bed and feeding yourself, or making it to the bathroom. I know that took all the effort in the world. I also know you probably don't want to hear that because you are feeling incredibly guilty, because suddenly your bed has the gravitational pull of Jupiter and you wish that you could just be normal. You are normal. You are normal for you regardless if you are up or down, or having a mixed episode. You are also loved. I promise you that I will be there in the manic times inviting you over to help me clean my house, after you put clothes on please, laughing at your zany antics and encouraging you to stay off of social media and freeze your credit card in a container of ice. I also promise that during your depressive states I won't make you talk to me, I won't say a word when you answer your door in the same clothes that you have worn for 4 or 5 days. I won't be Suzy sunshine and tell you wonderful things to cheer you up, but I'll clean the month worth of dishes you have piled up, do your laundry and bring you soup hot and ready right into your room so that you don't have to leave your fortress of solitude. I won't be mad at you when you call me at two in the morning explaining that you have just had some cathartic breakthrough or just had to share with me that there are currently 6 different kinds of frozen juice in your freezer and you need help picking the right one for this mood. The answer isn't all of them... I know you just made mud. I won't be mad when I don't hear from you for weeks on end because the fortress of solitude doesn't have a phone. I also promise that I won't hold it against you when you call me every name in the book because in your mania you have perceived I have done you wrong. I know it's the mania, this too shall pass. I also promise to be the one that if you greet me at the door covered in green jello and trying to climb the walls like spider man to call your doctor and have your meds checked. I know, you have had friends that when you disclose that you are bipolar back away from you slowly like some knife wielding killer. I know your other friends said they understood, but walked away after one to many calls at 3 am wanting to know if you wanted to go for ice cream.... how about now? Or, gave up because you kept missing coffee dates with them because of the gravity thing. I am not that person. I love you for you. Up or down or all around, I love you. If you ever need anything I am there for you. Don't hesitate to reach out!

Lesbian Dating update

I guess it's been a while since I've updated the dating front. Those of you who know me on a personal level know that I've been on some seriously terrible dates in the last 2 years. I'm not particularly keen on dating, it's awkward, painful, and sometimes down right funny. When you are a single mom you don't have a whole lot of options. When you are a lesbian and limited to a very small portion of the population, then your options are very limited indeed.

When I broke up with my long term girlfriend well over two years ago, I decided that dating was probably healthy since I hadn't ever done it before. Really I had gone from marriage to long term girlfriend instantaneously and had met my husband when I was 16. I envisioned coffee, dinner, movies and romance. What I got was much much different. When your everyday Karate class is less painful then the dates you go on, it's probably a signal that something is wrong. So I stood back and watched other people to see just where I was going wrong. The more I watched, the more I realized that I have it right in the first place.

First lets define dating shall we? I think Wikipedia has the best definition I've read in the last few days.

“Dating is a part of human mating process whereby two people meet socially for companionship, beyond the level of friendship, or with the aim of each assessing the other's suitability as a partner in an intimate relationship or marriage.”

So dating is kinda figuring out if the person is the right one for a long term relationship or not. That's what I thought. Which makes life even more complicated. I've watched people go from one relationship to the next with out a breath in between. It's almost as if they are defined by whom they are dating, or ruled by their need for physical intimacy. Once you get to the point where you are physically intimate with someone, it goes past dating. It's a relationship no matter how you slice it. I look at it like this, if it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it's a duck. So if you are spending time with someone, being physically intimate with someone it's a relationship not dating. You can call a duck an eagle it doesn't make it less than a duck.

It isn't my business whom the women I go out on dates with are dating. There is nothing wrong with testing the waters with other people, but the line gets crossed when they are being intimate with other people. I suppose I'm very old fashioned in some ways, but I have never really been a fan of casual sex. For me, I can't be intimate with someone with out being intimate. So if we are testing the waters for an eventual long term relationship and you are being intimate with someone else I can't date you, or be intimate with you. Not that I'm judging people who can, you just aren't for me. It doesn't mean I think you are a bad person either, just that your morals and values aren't harmonious with mine.

So in the world of online dating, I get confused with the semantics. I don't believe I fit into their nice little categories. I'm not looking for someone to marry right off the hop. (I'm no u haul lesbian), nor am I looking to progress things right away into a long term relationship either. These things I believe take time, and when your soul meets the one that you can't live with out you'll know. But I'm not interested in causally dating women if that means that they expect that I'll end up in bed with them right away either.

I'm currently at a loss for ways of meeting single lesbians. The online world is not working for me, or at least the sites that I have access to aren't working for me. I'm not interested in bar hopping, although I do go from time to time and see if perhaps there is another teetotaller like me there. So if anyone has any suggestions on any better sites or groups that I could partake in I would greatly appreciate the advice. Or knows someone who they think would be a perfect match, I'm not above that either.

And as always please pray for me. Trailblazing the road less travelled is difficult. I have a saying, “my hand in yours” and I'm waiting for the one who responds with “and mine in yours”. So that we can begin to walk the path together equal, separate, two individuals that on their own are unique, strong and beautiful, but together make up a wonderful piece of art. I don't think it's too much to ask for, and I'm not settling for less.

If you are a single (lesbian or not) you shouldn't settle for less than you deserve either. Don't sell yourself short, and don't let the need for intimacy or companionship rule your decisions either. Put the most value in yourself, so that when you find the one, they will value you as much as you do.

God bless

Ice

A couple of days ago I thought I'd take a walk. I needed to clear my head and absorb some of natures beauty. Staring out my window at my yard just wasn't cutting it for me. So, I went down to Lake View park. I always love watching the water break against the ice. The water was grey even though most of the sky was blue. I looked cold. Having grown up on the lake, I always find respite in staring at the deep waters of Lake Ontario. It doesn't matter if it is calm or windy, it always feels like coming home when I am on it's shores. I wanted to go out as far as I could, to be surrounded as much as I could with the water, but the pier is closed for the winter. I spotted a fellow explorer and watched with glee as he hopped the fence and on to the pier. Mob mentality I thought to myself and made my way up the beach. Much to my surprise the gate blocking the pier was open by about 3 feet. Truthfully the ice probably shifted it out of it's post, but I took it as a sign that I should go out. I walked along the pier staying directly in the middle, lest I slip and end up under the rail. The beauty of the ice took my breath away. I got out to the very end of the pier and looked around. It was beautiful. The sun was making the water glitter and though cold and starting to get windy, it was peaceful. I wished I could have stayed longer.

As I was about to leave I saw a Mallard duck swimming all alone way out from shore. I thought it odd that he (brightly coloured) would be so far from shore. I also wondered just how he could tolerate the freezing cold water. Suddenly he took flight and I followed him to see where he was going. He landed close to the ice in an ice cavern at the edge of the water. He was sheltered there. I thought it a tiny miracle that this duck could survive such harsh conditions all alone. No other ducks to be found. I suddenly wished I was a duck. So secure, using my surroundings to my benefit. Who would have thought I would be jealous of a duck. Scroll down for my pics :D

closed for winter..... unless it's open :D

Park bench on the pier.

The latest on me

It's been a couple of years since my last long term relationship. Dating is hard. I mean it's really hard. Not only is it incredibly hard to find a suitable partner. (all of you who have heard my crazy dating stories can attest to that), but I have to be cognizant of my daughter. I have to show her what healthy relationships are, what healthy dating is, and show her that she isn't defined by the relationship that she is in. I also have to show her that in my every day life as well. I don't ever want her to settle for being second best, settling on something that isn't 100 %, or crossing oceans for people who can't even jump a puddle for her. I want her to grow up charitable, loving a generous, but I want her to be able to put herself first with out being self centred. So I try and use that as a guide. What would I want my daughter to do in my situations. If I base my decisions on what I would want for her I am hoping that my decisions will be right. Sometimes it's just too hard to see the forest for the trees. So I've withdrawn a little from the world to take stock of what I have and what I want. It's also been necessary as I have stopped smoking (26 days) and in many ways I am a weak woman. It's been a wrestling match with smoking for 22 years or so off and on. In my withdrawing from the physical world I suppose it gives people a chance to connect with me rather than me reaching out to connect with them. We will see how it works out. So for now I'm single, but I'm smoke free so we will count that as a win.