Elmer fudd just isn't cool

I have jumped out of an air plane at 11,500 feet. I have learned to walk on numerous occasions. I have gotten up in front of a room filled with strangers and reduced them to tears with a song. I have gone through protest marches, been in the news and had no fear. Every week I don my angry white pajamas and have men who are well over a foot taller at me throw punches at me. I have been faced with my own mortality, but these things don't frighten me. But if there is one thing on the face of this earth that can reduce me to a state of shear panic it has to be women. More specifically, women whom I find attractive and think there is a remote possibility of dating.

My friends call it “elmer fudding” and the name sounds a whole lot cuter than what it physically looks like. I know I've probably blogged this before, but it really is a serious problem. It goes beyond the “boy she's awkward” realm. I am an articulate, decently educated individual, but when I'm around a cute girl all that goes out the window and I turn into a drivelling idiot and I mean beyond walking into a pole, or falling down stupid. I have friends who say, ah don't worry about it Pam, but the truth is that it is a big concern with me. If you look at the numbers, I'm a lesbian, 10 percent of the population is supposed to be gay so 5 percent of them are women. That is a tiny portion of the population. Now lets couple that with the fact that I am apparently incapable of approaching women and the numbers thin out a lot more. Now lets take the “fudding” into consideration. No one wants to approach a woman for a date when it appears as if she needs medical attention when you speak to them.

Another thing that really hangs me up is that I don't “speak girl”. I know I'm a girl. I've lived with the parts for 37 years now, but I just haven't be able to pick up the subtle hints. If perchance that a girl does happen to hit on me, I will have no clue. They tend to interpret this as disinterest. I am just really very clueless. I need an interpreter.

This week is pride in my local city and I'm actually considering barring myself inside with some popcorn and netflix, just so I don't have to go through the painfully awkward situations and spend the next 6 months trying to remove the taste of shoe out of my mouth.

Perhaps since I've taken up religious studies I should just make a vow of chastity and not have to worry about the situation. That way when anyone asks why I'm single, I can use it as an excuse. Nah I'm too honest for that!