True beauty is in the eye of the beholder

I was never really comfortable with myself. It's not something people often see, actually quite the opposite really. It's a face I put on for the public. I could blame childhood bullying for it, but at some point I grew up and out of childhood and became a woman. Those words always seem to stick like some sort of psychic glue to the back of my mind. Although cognitively I knew they were false I really wasn't ugly, stupid, fat and disgusting my childhood brain just couldn't get over that mental hurtle.

My friend Jess came over for a few hours yesterday. It's probably been 4 or 5 years since I've seen her. She lives in a different city is happily married and has 4 kids to worry about. We touch base sometimes, but it always seems like no time at all passes. I look at her and I see her at age 12.

I never knew what Jess saw in me as a friend. She was shorter than I was (which is quite the feat), skinny with long hair, she was naturally beautiful. She knew how to wear just enough make up to look pretty, and never seemed to have a problem making friends or finding boyfriends. I felt comfortable in her shadow. Even other people asked what she saw in me. “What do you like about her, she's so weird!” Her reply was, “That's exactly what I like about her, I don't just like her I love her!”.

Even as an adult I wasn't very comfortable with my appearance. My ex girlfriend used to say, “You know that your skin fits you funny.” It was her way of saying that I was awkward and uncomfortable with myself. I never felt beautiful. It was always her that got the compliments, you look so pretty, you're beautiful, I just love your hair. Pam your hair is too short and why are your clothes so baggy, you know you would look so much better if...” I also stood in her shadow. I suppose it's easy when you are as short as I am, you always tend to look up to people.

While reminiscing yesterday about the bodies we used to have and complaining about our grey hair I hauled out my guitar. She was friends with me long before I could play guitar and quiet honestly she forgets. I suppose I am 12 again when she see's me. She happened to snap a candid photo of me while I was playing. I had taken off my glasses as they are tinted and it was hard for me to see the lyrics under my back yard gazebo. It wasn't until later that it made me cry. “This is a really good photo of you!” she says smiling at her phone. “Oh ya, well text it to me I could use a good photo!” I said snickering. She texted it too me and I didn't bother to check it for a while until she was leaving. It really was a good photo of me.

It wasn't until she left that I read the inscription on the picture. “True Beauty”. I felt a tear trickle down my cheek. My friend Jess has always been a girl who tells it like it is without pulling punches. When she said “True Beauty” I knew she meant it. I never really felt beautiful before, sure there were times that I kinda felt that way, but it was always due to something else. Those brief moments were just that, I felt beautiful in the moment, but outside of it, I was just the same old person. She took a picture of me in one of those moments where I am truly me and called me beautiful. I don't know if she will ever understand what a gift to me that was, because I woke up feeling beautiful. It will probably fade and I will forget. But I have that picture saved. I knew that it wasn't just in that moment that I was beautiful, it was that she had always seen me as beautiful and that made even more tears fall. My friend with such natural beauty called me beautiful and meant it. So today I wear those words like a suit of armour. Today I am beautiful.