My dyadic essence. ..

The term two spirited is used by the first nations people of North America who are LGBT.   You can be first nations and LGBT and not two spirited. To use the term two spirited has to be a deeper meaning of the particular band to which you belong.  It is not a term to be appropriated by the non native community.  It is a term to be respected and I respect it.  As I respect and acknowledged that the indigenous people of North America have been suffering from the systematic genocide of their people, destruction of thier culture and the theft of the rights to their land. 

Listening to a two spirited person speak a few months ago the words touched me.  They said the creator doesn't make mistakes.  I have always believed that.  The comment was directed specifically at me, our eyes locked and my soul ached.

I love the concept of a deeper spiritual foundation  of the LGBT community.   I believe God has created special lgbt people for spiritual work in this community.  I think this concept needs to be acknowledged and respected in the LGBT community.  The term Two spirited can only be used by the first nations people because it is a specific role.  So how can non native people use words that incorporate the devine masculine and feminine in one person when those words are the same but with different meaning? 

So I struggled to find a term that I could use that would not be offensive to the First Nations people.  A term that would encorporate the Devine feminine and masculine in a member of the LGBT community and reflect that there is a deeper spiritual reason for this state of existence.   It is a nebulous existential concept.   It is an abstract concept and a label is concrete and restrictive.  Labels are a necessary evil in this social construct of ours.  I had to find something.  Words that could empower and express without oppressing others.

Dyadic Essence is the only term I can think of that is close to what I believe.  It is an abstract concept trying to be labeled with the concrete.  I also considered that it can be shortened to Dyad as people have an incessant need to shorten things.  

I am hoping it will achieve what I wish it too.  Celebrating the duality of a spiritual being, without offending or appropriating words from a respected culture and a marginalized people.

Busy Busy

I've been away.  I know terrible but I have a valid reason.  I have been busy volunteering.  It took a lot out of me.  I am still volunteering but at least I am doing something from home.

I am still impatiently waiting for my test results.   It is a real kick to the ego to realize how impatient I am.

I have also noticed we now have a gremlin or that perhaps my home or myself has some weird quantum portal.  Things go missing and come back a few days later.  If it were just I searching I would assume it was my memory,  but it isn't.   Other people check and it's still missing.  it is generally something I need or want and shows up a few days later.  In exactly the same place it was supposed to be.  I would worry about my sanity but at least 5 other people have backed me up. 

Strange things happen.

Cool inventions!

I just watched a video of a camper that turns into a boat.  I mean a real boat and it's a camper.  Will miracles ever cease?  I'd love a tiny camper but one that turns into a boat?  Come on what's not to love?

Anyhow the rain has been coming which is awesome., but it is cold which is not do awesome.  We went from the province is melting to we need a coat.  It was 3 degrees this am.  I'm just happy we aren't melting anymore!

Soup

Yesterday was my first day helping out at the Soup kitchen with a local church.  I am hoping that the metaphysical center might take up the need.  It was wonderful.  It reminded me of my days as a counselor working at the drop in.  It made me happy and tired.  I got home and immediately crashed in my bed. 

Doing for other people always makes me happy!  I don't understand why other people don't volunteer.    I suppose I've heard of too many people brought down to their knees by sickness or addiction.  There by the grace of God go I.

And then there was light

And it was good!  Really really good and oh how I missed it.  You see many many months ago my fridge light burnt out (as they are apt to do)  when it was replaced it didn't work.  The fridge still made cold so it's not like I was very concerned.  The fridge became the food hole.  Things got shoved to the back.  Lost in the darkness, only to be found by groping fingers in the fetid mess.  Flashlights just do it justice. 

Then the fridge was too cold then too warm.  It was cranky.  The repairman was called and by heavens grace it was fixed.   The as a final act he fixed the light!  I could see!  I couldn't believe what a huge difference it made.  I am so grateful!   It's the little things!

Impatiently waiting

I finally got the email notification from 23 and me that they have received my sample of saliva.  It takes 4 to 6 weeks to process.  This technology didn't even exist years ago.  To think that it only takes 4 to 6 weeks is kinda incredible.  

I thought I was a patient person.  My friends would say I am, but apparently I am not.  I have been stalking that poor site like a psychopathic ex for weeks now.   I never thought that I would get answers to the questions I had and this incredible piece of technology potentially will provide some answers.   Hell I've only waited 40 years what's the rush? 

As patients is a virtue I am feeling less virtuous.  Forgive me I am human.  The good news is that it isn't hot out!  It went from the province is melting to chilly.  I'm confused but pleased!

My Girlfriend's son quit his job and I couldn't be prouder!

You might think the title is a little odd, but give me a moment to explain. firstly, he is autistic (asbergers for those who are older). A little over a year ago my girlfriend's son was struggling.  He was emotionally a wreck and was living in a very dark place in his head.  He wouldn't leave the house unaccompanied, thoughts of hurting himself was a constant worry, and his sparkle was gone.  Eventually it was so bad he landed in the hospital by choice.  He realized that he wasn't well.  This past year he has worked very hard to get himself to a better place.  He made his first steps out of the house, to completely changing his eating habits for his health and even started going to the store of his own free will.  Something he never thought he would do.  A little over a month ago he even got a job all by himself.  I didn't think I could be prouder, that is until he quit it.  He started off during the day and was quickly sent to the night shift.    His medication schedule went off, his eating schedule went through the window and his sleeping pattern went out the window.  He tried so hard.  He was so proud that he was working.  His health started to slip and he back slid.   He asked to be put on days realizing that it was having a negative impact on his mental health.  When they couldn't accommodate him, he quit.  I was very proud.   He took steps to insure his own safety and by God that is huge!  I couldn't be prouder of him!   When he gets regulated again I'm sure that he will get another job!  He can do it!   I am also sure that he will find one that is good with his health.  For a kid we were so terrified that he might not be around this year, by God he's knocking it out of the park!  I can't wait to see what is next!

You can't always get what you want

I wanted a yellow truck.  I've wanted one for years.  But I have an suv.  Sometimes you can't get what you want, but you can get what you need!  I needed a comfortable vehicle more than I needed a truck.  Maybe one day. Or not who knows.

We wanted a down pour the other day, but got a good rainfall.  It seemed to clear up the smoke for a little while and cool off the temperature. I'd still like a down pout,  but I'm very very thankful for the rain Saturday.  I stood in it and watched other people at the.market venture out in the rain.  It was wonderful.   Come again soon rain we missed you!

Tiredness is

Since being diagnosed with MS, I have not had a pleasure nap.  It losses it's fun when they become a requirement instead of an enjoyable pass time.  Take for example yesterday.   I forgot my afternoon meds. Perhaps it was the prospect of rain that made me so forgetful.  Regardless I forgot them and remembered to late in the afternoon.   So I laid down for a 5 hour have to nap.    For a normal person that would have been enough to disturb their evening sleep.  Not I.  I went to bed early.

Today I've been exhausted.  Hopefully tomorrow I'll  have recovered some of my spoons.

Dreaming

Perhaps it is all the smoke in the air, but I can't shake this mornings dream.  It was a lovely dream.  I was in a house overlooking Skaha (my favourite of the two lakes) in a big picture window.  There was a canvas half painted with something or other and my hands were splattered with paint.  I had a long sip of my coffee.  And put it down on the glass table.  There was a picture  frame and I couldn't see the picture but I could see the large room in behind me.  It was lovely.  There were bookshelves lining the walls and a piano and instruments in the back ground.  I woke up smiling.   It was a wonderful dream.    It makes me smile.

Shades of Silent Hill

With a lot of the province on fire and let's face it the western north America there is bound to be smoke!  Some people joke that we are in the smokanagan!  The smoke gives the sun and moon a creepy red glow and the constant grey is kinda nightmarish.  I have hosed off my suv a few times and there is a layer of fine ash on it.  It is now the worst fire season on record.  It smacks of silent Hill without the creepy ghouls.

That being said I've noticed that some people around here are trying to get the focus back on the wild fires and off of the devastation in Texas.    This is NOT as bad as a freaking hurricane.  BC has lost 71 homes and a total off 300 buildings at last count.  There has been no loss of life.   Yes 12000 people are currently evacuated and I can't even fathom how scarey that is.  It isn't as bad.  The hurricane in Texas has claimed 100,000 homes either damaged or destroyed.  I'm not sure how many businesses and 70 people have died.  70 people.  It makes me sad that people are so selfish.  

Anyhow here is a picture to compare last summer to today!

High school

Today is my daughter's first day of High School.  I suddenly have the urge to listen to Barenaked Ladies This is me in grade nine!  She has carefully prepared her school supplies and out fits.  There has been  some teenage angst regarding her first day, but I am sure she will pull through with flying colours. 
Speaking of colours her hair was lovingly dyed by my girlfriends son who does an amazing job of it!   It really is a labour of love.  She is growing up so quickly and I am so very proud of her.  What a wonderful young woman she is becoming.

I went to a Board meeting last night and got a pleasant surprise afterwards.  The person holding the board meeting  had a peach tree in their front yard!  I reached up and plucked a peach off the tree and ate it!!  Peaches don't grow where I used to live in Ontario. (Or at least I never found any).   The experience was new to me and met with giggles.  I kept humming the John Prine song about moving to the country gonna eat a lot of peaches!

Such fun!

It's the little things

One of my favourite things in this world is my automatic coffee pot.  You know the one with the clock on it that you can program to go off at what ever hour you choose?   Yup that one.  My girlfriend prefers her french press.  I'm not so picky.  I just love mine because I can set it to un holy o'clock so that it is ready for me when I wake.  It never ceases to make me happy, that smell of coffee first thing as I wake up.  It kinda reminds me of my dad (who likes his coffee black and lots of it please!)  It makes me think of him every morning.   

The other smell I think of with my Dad is fresh beef.  This isn't as strange at it seems as he is a butcher.    I get nostalgic every time I open a roast.  Memories of my dog happily licking his shoes and hugs as he came through the door after a long day at work. It's a happy smell.  

I miss my Dad and not just because I found a dead fish in the fish tank either! 

Good morning world!  I  figured I'd blog early as I have 3 board of directors meetings this week. 

Salt and pepper

So I've noticed that my hair is starting to go a little salt and pepper all over.  It creeped up from my temples and has migrated.  It shouldn't be surprising as I have had mutant white hair since I was a toddler.  I mean long white completely colorless hair.  My mother tried to pull them out, but there were too many of them.   I suppose they stood out against the bright red hair when I was a kid.    Now it's is a symbol of my age I suppose. 

I was feeling a little poorly about myself of late.  I have been unwell and frankly I put on a lot of weight since I moved.  It's starting to finally cool off and I haven't been well enough to walk around.  I've also made way too many excuses.

We ended up at the lake and just happened to run into an acquaintance of ours.  She has an incredible soul and can see the beauty in anyone.  I was expressing some concerns I have when she stopped me and said but you have the most beautiful soul.  She informed me that I was an incredible person who has a beautiful soul and that was all that matters and I had nothing to worry about.

Instantly I felt like the most beautiful person in the world.  It was the most genuine heartfelt edifying statement I have gotten in a long time. (Besides my girlfriend or family ect.) 

I am still smiling.  Also I'm keeping up on my blogging :)

49th parallel

When I lived in Ontario I never ventured up to the 4th parallel.  I was never even close. If you look at a map of Ontario it does this weird dip south.  Toronto is called the center of the universe not so jokingly by bc residents.  I have to grudgingly admit that really southern Ontario believes it is so.

I guess the point I am trying to make is that it was kind of a shock realizing that we got an hour extra daylight here in the summer and unfortunately lost an hour of sunlight in the winter. 

It's growing dark earlier and although I am glad the city will be quieter since the tourists I am dreading the missing sun.  We have seen very little sun this summer.  It has been covered in smoke and it's been stinking hot.  I am looking forward to next year as I hope that the weather will be nicer.

It's good to look forward!

Fire in the sky

It kinda makes me awe-struck that such beauty can come from such devastation.   The sun glows red periodically  through the smoke.  Sometimes the moon looks to be drenched in blood.  The smell of campfires lingers in the air, except there has been a fire ban for months.  You know that it is a forest being consumed.  Sometimes the smell changes and I wonder if it is someone's home I am smelling. 

Today 3 fires cropped up by the city I live in.  I am concerned for the people a few towns over that have been evacuated.   I am not worried for myself.  There have been a few fires crop up around town and are dealt with swiftly.  There is a fine layer of ash on my car.  It will get washed away eventually.  

Next week they are calling for rain and I'm praying that it does. 
Almost everyone I know has stated that when it does rain they are dropping what ever they are doing and going outside to dance in the rain.  Imagine a province full of people dancing in the rain.  Welcome to BC.

Toll charge

Last night was conspiracy Thursday. If I haven't mentioned it before, a few friends gather at my house and watch documentaries. Last night it was on Princess Di. Some nights it's on quantum theory, space, or something absolutely bizarre. It morphed into dinner and a documentary some months back (I'm not sure how) and I'm not sure what is more important, the dinner or the documentary. The most important thing on Thursdays is that it is spent with friends. It it comforting to know that I have made so many in such a short while here in BC. Everyone pitches in, not as a toll charge but as a symbol of togetherness.

The province it's self has welcomed me by having the coldest winter in years, the wettest spring in years (Full of flooding) and then the driest and hottest summer in years. I think that it is testing my limits.

This past week has been full of emotion and unfortunately it has taken a toll on my body. I want to be up and about doing things. I find it a difficult challenge to lower my expectations of myself and forgive myself for not being able to accomplish what I want. My left side is increasingly twitchy and weak, and I haven't found a word that describes the exhaustion I feel. Those with MS know what the fatigue is like. Although I am taking Monifidil. It doesn't seem to help as much and I should probably stop taking it for a few days and see if massive doses of sleep will help.

Sometimes emotions do take a toll charge on my body. Thankfully by the grace of God I am not worried. Some might spend time wondering if this is the new normal or what if anything they might reclaim from this neurological thief. I just ignore it and if it doesn't go away I assimilate it into my life like the Borg. I don't want to spend time wondering what if. I'd rather just enjoy what I have now and celebrate if I get things back.

A few of my friends have commented that I should blog more often and I've decided that they are right. It is something easy I can do from my phone. Also my friend Teddy's voice rings in my ear “Come on Spam sometimes you just need to sit down and write and accept what comes out. They all can't be masterpieces.” So hopefully I will continue to blog more regularly, at least for now.

Thanks Teddy I miss you.

Spam

Crazy Random Happenstance

That phrase was the phrase of the week end. This week end we traveled to Vancouver as my girlfriend had an MRI in Surrey. I am not sure why they booked her at 9:30 pm on a Saturday, but you take what you get. Besides it provided us an excuse to go for the week end. We brought along our good buddy and made a trip of it.

Friday our trio explored Grand-ville island. My favourite was the harp chair which you sat in and he played music. For a mere $6000 you too could own one. I donated money to sit in it. It was totally worth the drive! If my girlfriend ever opens up that spiritual retreat center she is totally going to have to get one. I could have sat in it all day. I also got to play the Tokido drums or more specifically tsuri-daiko. Check one thing off my bucket list.

We also visited a few beaches the next daty. I wished I had gotten to Crescent beach in Surrey earlier. I had purchased a cheap water colour set and some paper, so I could be a beach artist. Unfortunately the sun was too bright facing in our direction and we headed to IKEA instead.

That evening after the MRI we headed to a Mc Donald's in Burnaby. I was too meet my Birth Mother and half sister there. Honestly adult Pam and childhood Pam had a very strong argument, with childhood Pam winning. I opted to meet them. Let me say firstly, I am very happy with my Parents. I didn't feel anything was lacking. I suppose I was more than curious who I look like. I had met my half brother Matt and enjoy a nice relationship with him. I suppose I just wanted to finally meet the woman who had given birth to me almost 40 years ago. We had a brief but wonderful meeting. I am still processing.

The other shock came when I was informed of another name who could bare my paternal DNA. Firstly in my birth history it says I'm part Japanese. Okay great. Then all of a sudden I might not be? Okay now I am staring at myself in the mirror thinking okay well what is my ancestry now? I could be anything! I'm pasty white with red hair, perhaps I'm albino? Good God I'm 40 and I'm having an existential crisis.

I figured I'd just go ahead and fork out the money for the DNA testing by 23 and me. (Stay tuned for the results) I also did a bit of googling regarding the name she gave me. I found a couple of leads and decided to email the gentleman. I sat looking at my computer screen curser flash at me for an hour. What do you write to a stranger who you think you might be related to? Would he even respond? How do I write an email that doesn't sound like one of those spam emails? Good evening Mr. So and So Congratulations you have won...... And what if it isn't him, what if it is his son or cousin or something. I honestly wouldn't want some stranger contacting my family. That would be a little uncouth. Besides really I don't want anything except to look in the mirror and say okay I'm part blah blah blah and blah. Or know if there is a family history of breast cancer, or what not. My poor kid has 2 close relatives with Multiple Sclerosis on each of her parent's side so I worry for her.

So I blindly typed away and emailed. A few days later I got a response. I nearly dropped my phone. I honestly didn't think that he would respond. So stay tuned to how it might go. I will not be posting much about him as I'd like to think if I were in that circumstance someone would protect my privacy too.

Anyhow it's been a trip and a half this last week. As always may the Lord be with you.

Weekend fun!

This week end was a bit surreal for me. For many weeks I have been making a project for a competition in the S.C.A. (Society for Creative Anachronism). For anyone not familiar with this society, it's a bunch of people that dress up in medieval clothing and get involved in things like art and fighting. It is really fun, and fabulously geeky. My girlfriend has been involved in this for 32 ish years. So she's been doing it a while. It also meant if I entered this society I was going to have to bring my A game. (I didn't want anyone to think I was a slacker, or that I was the cute but stupid girlfriend) I also didn't want her to look bad. So I decided that after my 3^rd event that I was going to have to enter a competition. Turns out it was tournament of the roses. I purposely picked a medieval character that was completely different from her, she does Viking things and I do Mongolian things. So I figured out what I wanted to do, and found an online document about how to document the thing I was making and used that to write my documentation. The stipulations from the tournament didn't specifically say I had to document anything, but my college professors voices kept ringing in my ear and I just had to. I created a calligraphy project. A rose in any medium was my task. I painted a large red calligraphy roll with the Japanese/Chinese character rose on it, then did a sumi-e painting of a rose starting to bud. Then I got a little bit compulsive. I had to carve a signature chop. I didn't want to “translate” my name, but instead chose an artist name and double checked it with a Chinese friend of mine. I carved it out of fimo (kind of a clay) and stamped it. I gathered all of the supplies and brought them to the competition. I was really rather quiet nervous, as I saw that there were other competitors who had been in the SCA for years. They were all fantastic. I was a little surprised when my name got called to say that I won.

The other big thing that happened is I spoke at the metaphysical centre this weekend. I had been anxious about it for a long time. My family had been praying for me, and friends. But as soon as it walked through the door I had peace. The rest of the centre was a flurry of activity, and things were a little bit late setting up, but I didn't mind at all. My talk went off with out a hitch, praise God. It has been a rather full week end and I'm exhausted!

I Brought the weather with me

It is finally above freezing in the Okanagan!  It is probably due to the La Nina, but I am considering it a gift from the universe to make me less homesick for Ontario.  I received word that indeed I passed the course and am now officially a reverend.  I am registered in B.C. now; however I have chosen not to register with vital statistics.  Until I do, I can not preform legal marriages.   It is a simple thing yes, but why spend the money.  I will just plod on and due my masters. 
   My system I have tried very hard to keep on Ontario time.  I realized that it indeed isn't,  but am now on early riser time in BC.  I enjoy my quiet morning coffee looking out over the mountains.  98% of the time I am up well before dawn.  I enjoy greeting the sun.  Half the time it is with a paint brush in hand.
  It's been too cold to paint outside, so I have moved it all inside.  It is warmer but I miss the outdoors!
  I have been enjoying weekly documentaries with my friends, and indeed I have them out here.  One of my biggest fears was that my daughter and I wouldn't have any.  The Lord will provide.   My daughter is adjusting well out here and is happier than I have seen her in a long time.  Although she misses her grandparents greatly.  As do I.  I wish they would visit soon.  Today would be great!

I hope you are well dear readers.  Please pray for my back as it is very sore at the moment.

Blessings,

Pam