Even for me

I recently got a comment on my blog stating that, “Not to say your opinion is wrong, but calling it the 'bold truth' is a bit far fetched. Even for you”. I was atypically ranting on this blog, something that my other blog is used for, quiet emphatically for that matter. My other blog is posted anonymously because the things I rant about or people I'm ranting about I would like to remain anonymous to protect them. Even though I come across as a jerk in the anonymous blog, I do not wish to actually harm people or their reputations. We all have skeletons in our closet and probably don't want them aired out for the general population. So a dichotomy exists with each blog being a portion of me. The things I'd like to say versus the things I'm willing to publicly admit, my ego as apposed to my super ego.

 

The rant in question on this blog was a piece I wrote about Robin Williams suicide. You don't have to agree with me. There is this great thing that my Grandfathers fought for called freedom. It's the reason we can speak our minds and we aren't running around in short pants and jack boots. So I welcome a difference of opinion. The part that made me particularly angry was the jab at the end. “Even for you”. It says several things to me. Firstly, it implies that you know me or believe you know me personally. Which is great. You obviously didn't wish to hurt my feelings because you remained anonymous while publicly chastising me. Secondly, you believe that my opinions are far fetched in totally which you have a right to your opinion. I just wonder why then you read my blog if my opinions don't coincide with your own? Thirdly, the even for you implied that you believe that your opinions have more value or are more correct than mine. While stating that I have a right to my own opinion you quantify it with the even for you which states you believe that your opinion is superior to my own, which contradicts the statement that says not to say my opinion is wrong. Your contradicting comment leaves me wondering just who you believe you are and just who you believe you are to me. I have stood toe to toe arguing my point with friends who have vastly differing opinions from me and still managed to be friends with them and respect them. They show respect for me by acknowledging my right to an opinion and their right to their own. We share idea's and perhaps we change each others minds or perhaps we don't. It's all about communication and accepting each other for who we are. Even though we may not see eye to eye we acknowledge that we have differing opinions with out saying that they are far fetched just different. Fourthly, the even for you comment attempts to “knock me down a peg” by stating not only is this opinion far fetched but the whole of my existence is far fetched. Which again states that you believe that you are superior to me. So in taking a look at your comment and the mode in which you stated it I can draw these conclusions. It is a bold statement you make from the shadows of anonymity. Fifthly, there is final conclusion that I can draw from this statement in totality and the guise that you posted it on. You are insecure. You are either insecure in your relationship with myself, or you are insecure voicing your opinion publicly. I pity you on either point. You see, I'm not the type of person who is not personally threatened by differing opinions. This is how we learn and grow as a civilization. We are not all mindless automatons who answer in the same way. If we don't question our beliefs or allow others to question our beliefs than we don't truly understand them. If we don't understand our beliefs and are blindly following them it leads to the misguided belief that our beliefs and values are better than others which makes us as individuals egocentric. If you are egocentric than you don't have an opportunity to grow and change and better yourself as a human-being and that in and of it's self is a tragedy. Perhaps the next time you wish to voice your opinion of difference you may wish to think a little more carefully about the words that you choose. And that is just my humble observation and opinion.

Run or Dye

Yesterday I went to Run or Dye with my family and got absolutely covered in powered dye from head to toe. I even had some in my ears courtesy of my daughter who up ended me in the side of the head with a dye package directly in the ear. Nothing says family love better than coating each other in a bunch of different colours. It quite honestly looked like the gayest event that I've ever been too. The best part of the event to me was watching my friends child collect high fives. The event was a 5 K run. Well the only part of me that usually runs is my nose. I did manage to sprint a few steps. I should qualify it with I run pretty funny. Neurological damage from MS causes one leg to tend stick and so any impairment I have is amplified when I run. Usually I don't run because I'm a touch self conscious about it. It's one of the rare times where my vanity overrides my better thinking. Usually I don't make it a secret that I have MS and I cope rather well and have about a billion different techniques that I use that help me along the way. But with the children holding their hands in mine I thought I would go for it. I was slightly worried that my family's child might run so fast and not let go that she would drag me behind her flapping in the wind. It was a distinct possibility. I made it. I also made it through the 5 k walk we did. Walking for me in any lengths feels like doing a light jog on a beach. It takes a lot of muscle compensation to make up for my left leg deficiency and I try to pace myself accordingly. It's not like we were actually racing, but I didn't want to stop and sit down. I was grateful that the air was cool that day because I would not have been able to walk over 5 k if it was warm. Imagine jogging in a sauna, with a plastic suit on and you have a general idea of what heat does to a person with MS. Now quadruple the distance you have to run and you have a better idea. But, I made it. You can do all sorts of things you can never imagined with the support of your loved ones. Not only did I do it, I had a lot of fun! I did go home afterwards and take a nap, which was more like a light coma. Regardless I did it and I couldn't be prouder!

Shoot for the starts and if you fall short and land on the moon it's still a pretty darn good place to be!

To protect and serve

I've seen a lot of video's of late of police beating “innocent” civilians. A lot of people are quick to criticize police and what they do. While I acknowledge that there is a lot of times when there has been an inordinate amount of force in some of the videos, in some of the videos people watching them get angry for no reason. I have had very few run ins with the police, most times it wasn't for me. I was amazed when I was walking a client on the way to a protest and stopped by the store to pick up a pack of smokes. The police drove by and the client said watch while I get questioned. I went into the store and sure enough wasn't there an officer questioning him as I exited the store. Being a counsellor at a drop in centre meant I could pretty much wear what I wanted and so I usually would forgo the business suit for something a heck of a lot more casual. I waited until the police man was done and was amazed when he turned his attention to me. I was clearly wearing my name tag from work (I had to since I was pretty much always dressed in street clothes). I pointed to my name tag and said hey I'm a street counsellor. This did not dissuade him. He questioned me still which wasn't a problem because I have a clear criminal record and usually am a pretty law abiding citizen (except for the odd speeding I may do) I remember feeling very angry that this officer was questioning me when I hadn't done anything wrong and that I was a victim of guilt by association. BUT here is the thing. Years later when one of my co-workers was arrested I didn't feel so bad. It was 2 minutes out of my day.

I saw this video the other day where a guy gets punched in the head.  I tried to link the video, but it just wouldn't work.

Now people were getting upset that the man got punched in the head. What I saw was a man who had broken the law and wouldn't put his hands behind his back. Although he wasn't really struggling hard, how much longer would it have been until he did. If he had simply put his arm behind his back he wouldn't have gotten punched in the head. When I got pulled over for speeding and the officer asked me, “Ma'am do you know why I pulled you over?” I replied, “Yes sir, I was speeding.” I'm not military, but the use of sir to denote someone of authority is something I was raised with. By all rights he could have slapped me with a huge fine, given me points on my licence and it would have hiked my insurance up. Why the hell wouldn't I be polite? I broke the law and he caught me fair and square. He let me off with a far lesser ticket and I thanked him again using sir. Why, because I actually admitted that I was wrong and this man gets paid to catch people who break the law. I respect them and in turn most times get respected by them. So, if you get arrested for doing something wrong then be polite deal with it later. If you get arrested for something that you didn't do. Don't resist, go with it and sort it out later. Is it really worth getting punched in the head for it?

Lesbian Dating: The psycho edition!

So I've been pretty much single for the last year and I've learned a few things about myself and about dating. Since this blog is less “colourful” than my other one, I thought I would give a G rated version of what is happening in my life at the current time. I went back on Ok Cupid and Plenty of fish for research purposes for a novel I am writing. To say that I've come across novel material would be an underwhelming statement. I have decided that there is just no way that I'm going to come across anyone datable on that medium. Recently I had contact with a girl that I had told in no uncertain terms months ago to leave me alone. After trying politely but firmly she wouldn't go away, I had to get down right rude to get my point across. It's been a hard year for me, but I've learned a few things with the help from people who are so close they are family instead of friends. Firstly, I am am an amazing human being. I'm awesome just the way God made me. I have my flaws and my humanity still, but I am valued for my unique perspective on things. I am beautiful inside and out and I shouldn't settle for someone less than I deserve. I learned that I will cross oceans for people with out hesitation, but I shouldn't cross them for people who wouldn't step over a puddle for me. I learned that I shouldn't allow people to degrade me and belittle me as it wounds me more than it should. I learned that people who belittle me are often weak individuals and that if they are removing the speck from my eye they probably have a beam in their own. These things are hard for me to type because I value humility, but being humble and selfless doesn't mean that I have to be self depreciating. I could have had my pick of all sorts of strange women, but I won't settle for less than I deserve. Sure loneliness is my long time companion, but I am no more lonely now than I was in relationships where I was downtrodden. So, I'm not going to walk the psychopath. I'm not going to attach myself to the first woman that comes a long. I'm not going to fit myself into a round hole because I'm a square peg. But I wonder is she out there?

The Bold Truth about Robin Williams

Everyone loves Robin Williams. So talented to strong who lost the battle with depression. Now it comes to light that he was battling the early stages of Parkinson's disease. Everyone knew about the battle with sobriety. But this was truly shocking. Everyone says nice things about him, it's not nice to say negative things about the dead. But, here I am going to stray from the feel good portion of my blog, break my rule of trying to put a positive spin on things. I'm going to shoot from the hip and from the heart and I mean it when I say, “Robin Williams you are a coward!” I have friends with Parkinson's and I have Multiple Sclerosis. I got diagnosed in my prime 27 years old after I had been suffering from it for years. NOT the ripe old age of 63. Lasciate ogne speranza, voi ch'intrate You got a life you coward, fate stole mine! You had fame and fortune and money to battle the disease and you had to take the cowards way out? People will remember you for the great things you did, who will remember a girl who didn't get the opportunity to do great things? What about my friends with Parkinson's? Should they follow suit? They don't have the money or power to help fight the disease, so should they snuff out their light? Depression is a terrible master. I have felt the weight of it on my shoulders. You owed the world. You don't have to live your life in poverty and in pain. How many deaths will your death spur on. How many people will give up hope just because you took the cowardly way out and so many people looked up to you. The world noticed when you were gone, who's going to take notice of the millions of people out there who battle this pain and sorrow on a daily basis. So with all due respect sir, because you are my elder I call you a coward. You are not a martyr for the cause, I will not only speak of the amazing films you made because now they are tainted with the acts of a coward. I will not speak of the father who showed his children that some things we just aren't able to overcome. I will not speak of the man who left his wife alone to grieve. I will speak of the coward who took the easy way out, who left the torch for all of us who battle these diseases without cures and carry the torch because the cowards way is just not our way. But thank you. When my legs hurt so much that I would rather amputate them, or my vision goes and I become blind, or my body refusing to co-operate lands me in a wheel chair, or I have to see the look of pain on my daughters face when she see's me suffer so, or when I'm unable to dress, or feed myself or perform bodily functions I will see your face and I will laugh. Not because you made me, not with you but at you because you are a coward and I have endured this pain longer than you have. You aren't the hero everyone makes you out to be. You aren't the spokes person for depression. You are a coward who took the cowards way out and hung yourself and left you body for your wife to find. The petechiae in your eyes, the discoloured of your face and the stench as you inevitably defecated yourself will be burned into her mind forever. You couldn't have even done it in the bathtub so that someone wouldn't have to clean so hard after your death? O coward my coward is what should be written on your epitaph. Thank you for this extra burden that you have placed on the people who are already suffering. Thank you!

A year ago today

It's been no secret that I have wrestled with depression. I speak freely for the most part about it because I don't want anyone else to feel ashamed. The truth is that I do feel ashamed. Society views depression as a weakness and unfortunately that just doesn't help. A year ago today I was battling a very serious bout of depression. The girlfriend I had who I adored was distant and I knew that our relationship was going to end at her request. I had a minor flare up of MS and could feel an attack on the rise. Things in my life weren't in order and I felt lost, alone and devastated. I had no control over anything. It was my daughters birthday coming up and I am just not able to give her the things that she wants financially. I'm not able to work which is hard enough on my ego, so it's not like I could put in extra time. I started smoking again off and on to try and cope and felt ashamed of myself. No one is harder on a person than a depressed person. I had no future, no hope and I was covered in an emotional black cloud. Even the beautiful scenery of the cottage didn't allow me any peace. I realized I had a major problem when I stood at the end of the dock and thought, “Hell I can just swim until I couldn't swim any longer and the pain that I was feeling would stop.” The thought it's self wasn't my wake up call, the fact that I didn't take that plunge because the lake I was at was at maximum depth only 12 feet deep in the deepest area we found and that was fairly far out. It was only 8 or 9 feet deep where we had been fishing and I felt that my instincts probably would have saved me. It wasn't the fact that my kids birthday was around the corner, or the fact that life is precious that stopped me, but the shallow depth of the water. I knew something was wrong with that thought and decided to go back on my medication. I knew it would help, and I knew I had to stick around for my daughter. I left the cottage and the beautiful scenery for home where I knew I was safe. When I got home my girlfriend decided to call it quits. I had a mild MS attack and needed to use both of my canes. My body just couldn't handle the stress my mind was putting on it. I started back on my pills and broke the cycle of depression and the downward spiral. The most important thing was focusing on my daughter. Focus on something anything other than the pain I was feeling. I had to get better for her. Truth be told if it wasn't for her I probably wouldn't be around at this time. Why am I writing this now? Because I survived it. I didn't die and although depression is something I wrestle with on a regular basis, I refuse to allow it to conquer me. Depression and MS run hand in hand. I was never depressed until I got MS. It's a double whammy. It's not something I'm proud of nor am I ashamed of it either. A year ago today I was ready to die. Today I am ready to live.

Dichotomous relationships with one's self

As the title says, I have a dichotomous relationship with myself. I have this blog in which the “evil” Pam lets loose, and my other blog in which my everyday self talks about my every day struggles. One of the very few people who know that this blog is me was talking about how interesting it was to see both sides of me. And the thing of it is they are both me. I'm a mixed bag of emotions and personalities, thank god they aren't completely separate, it's just easier to put a name to the masks that we wear. These roles we play in life, Mom, wife, friend, lover, student, teacher, boss, employee, child they are all roles in which we compartmentalize our lives. In my case I've given them names. We all have different roles to play. I think sometimes I just never grew up. I'm still that lonely kid that was desperate to make friends, believing them when they told me I would not end up as anything or amount to anyone, that no one would ever love me and I'd die alone and scared. (And almost direct quote) Although my simple life isn't much, and my hopes and dreams have been stripped from me over the years by the misfortune that is me, I don't believe I am unlovable because I love me. I love that I am willing to take the shirt of my back and give it to someone in need, I love that I would rather do with out than see someone else do with out, I love that I wear my heart on my sleeve. It's not my fault that the world is messed up, but I am not going to change who I fundamentally am because I feel things deeply. Perhaps I am the way the world should be, we should care for each other, love each other, share our lives with each other because our shared experiences are what's important. Perhaps this is why I am an jerk magnet because no one has allowed these individual to have a voice before and my ear is always listening, and my heart always loving. Does this mean that I'm perfect. Heck no, I can be a bit of a jerk, I make mistakes, but the difference between myself and the world is I hold myself to higher standards and no one can make me feel worse about my mistakes in life than I already do. Nor will I lower my standards. It just can't be done. So if this means I am to be awash in the sea of loneliness for the duration of my life so be it. Regardless my inner mean thoughts rarely come out, and those who know me well enough know that even the most evilest spoken word I have I don't really mean. The tongue is Proverbs 18: 21 says “The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.” So, baring that in mind, I write a blog that lets loose a little, but my spoken lips speak soft and soothing words. It's not that my thoughts and actions are in-congruent, it's just that the dichotomous relationship between my self the good Pam wins. I suppose if you are Freudian you could say that my Super Ego is louder than my Id, and my Ego for that matter. Regardless of what's in a name (would it smell as sweet?) it's all Pamela and I am happy with her.

An Exercise in creativity

One of my favourite things about summer is sitting in my garden typing away at my computer writing stories. But since last year my lap top has been broken and I'm stuck now with the computer known as the “frankenputer” It's a busted up lap top that I've connected a monitor to. It also has 5 missing keys, only one of them from the alphabet, so I am at least able to type. I love to write, it's one of the things my body can do with out much effort and no matter what shape or disability my physical body is doing, my mind still remains active. So this summer I haven't had much of an opportunity to write outside, and my writing is suffering. It's hard to imagine a cold blustery day outside with the birds chirping away at my ears. So as karate exercises my body (and brain to a degree) writing and creative writing exercises my brain. And boy it's been getting a work out of late. Unfortunately my cathartic garden has suffered and I am growing a lovely bunch of weeds. Ah well there is always next year, or the year after that, or after that.....

Do better unto others

Many moons ago I used to work at a call centre. We'd get the whole slew of disgruntled people who were stuck in traffic or they were just having a bad day. Often they were just looking to blow off some steam and sometimes I bore the brunt of their anger. Some of them were quiet amusing in their use of expletives directed at me, some of them not so creative. It never really rattled me. Why? Because I killed them with kindness. The meaner they got they nicer I got until one of two things inevitably happened. 1) they got so frustrated they hung up or asked for my supervisor. (either way I was clear what were they going to complain I was too nice?) or 2) Their mood changed and they relented to my niceness. It works in life too. I have a philosophy, leave the world a better place. Recently I went camping and in order to honour a fallen Karate-ka a kata is taught only at a certain time. It got me thinking, how am I going to be remembered when I'm gone. It's irreverent as long as I keep in mind to make the world a better place one corner at a time. If I can change one persons life, then I'm happy. I just want to leave this world a better place than when I started. If you can do one random act of kindness a day, imagine how great this world could be!

What's good for the goose:

Recently in the States, the US supreme court granted religious freedom to family owned businesses. There is a lot of controversy regarding the decision. Being a Canadian I look at things a little differently as it is, but also I have the advantage of being an atypical Christian and a lesbian to boot. In my life I have had the privilege of knowing lots of people from various walks of life. My father is adamantly against working on his Sabbath. I believe firmly that since he has in my entire lifetime only been forced to work 2 Sundays that I can recall that he shouldn't have to bend his belief. That being said I have known people who for no other purpose but fun have claimed they are seventh day Adventists and refused to work on the Saturday. So where do we draw the line? It reminds me of the old saying You can please some of the people some of the time, none of the people all of the time but you can't please all of the people all of the time. So who gets left out? A Muslim company in the states has just started making employee's wear a Hijab. (a scarf that covers all of your head) Some Christians are outraged. Why? For the love of pete it's a freaking scarf, it's not like it's a burka, which i believe should be banned outright. (not because of religious reasons but because I would like to know WHO I am addressing and a body bag just doesn't allow me the freedom to see if it's a man or woman or who I am speaking to.) It's a scarf. I once went in to purchase some traditional Jewish teachings for a friend and I was not aware if the organization was orthodox or not, so I covered my head with a scarf. Okay besides not being of my fashion statement it was no great big hard ship. When in Rome right? So what are we left with? Personally I believe that in order to make things fair you have to take religion out of work, but in the private sector ie churches you should follow what the rest of the sheeple are doing. But that is just my humble opinion. If this means that my father will have to work Sundays so be it. Render unto Cesar what is Cesar's. I'm sure God in which ever form you believe in him/her/it will understand. 

The article is here:  http://dailycurrant.com/2014/07/22/muslim-company-forcing-christian-employees-to-wear-headscarfs/