A year ago today

It's been no secret that I have wrestled with depression. I speak freely for the most part about it because I don't want anyone else to feel ashamed. The truth is that I do feel ashamed. Society views depression as a weakness and unfortunately that just doesn't help. A year ago today I was battling a very serious bout of depression. The girlfriend I had who I adored was distant and I knew that our relationship was going to end at her request. I had a minor flare up of MS and could feel an attack on the rise. Things in my life weren't in order and I felt lost, alone and devastated. I had no control over anything. It was my daughters birthday coming up and I am just not able to give her the things that she wants financially. I'm not able to work which is hard enough on my ego, so it's not like I could put in extra time. I started smoking again off and on to try and cope and felt ashamed of myself. No one is harder on a person than a depressed person. I had no future, no hope and I was covered in an emotional black cloud. Even the beautiful scenery of the cottage didn't allow me any peace. I realized I had a major problem when I stood at the end of the dock and thought, “Hell I can just swim until I couldn't swim any longer and the pain that I was feeling would stop.” The thought it's self wasn't my wake up call, the fact that I didn't take that plunge because the lake I was at was at maximum depth only 12 feet deep in the deepest area we found and that was fairly far out. It was only 8 or 9 feet deep where we had been fishing and I felt that my instincts probably would have saved me. It wasn't the fact that my kids birthday was around the corner, or the fact that life is precious that stopped me, but the shallow depth of the water. I knew something was wrong with that thought and decided to go back on my medication. I knew it would help, and I knew I had to stick around for my daughter. I left the cottage and the beautiful scenery for home where I knew I was safe. When I got home my girlfriend decided to call it quits. I had a mild MS attack and needed to use both of my canes. My body just couldn't handle the stress my mind was putting on it. I started back on my pills and broke the cycle of depression and the downward spiral. The most important thing was focusing on my daughter. Focus on something anything other than the pain I was feeling. I had to get better for her. Truth be told if it wasn't for her I probably wouldn't be around at this time. Why am I writing this now? Because I survived it. I didn't die and although depression is something I wrestle with on a regular basis, I refuse to allow it to conquer me. Depression and MS run hand in hand. I was never depressed until I got MS. It's a double whammy. It's not something I'm proud of nor am I ashamed of it either. A year ago today I was ready to die. Today I am ready to live.