The Token Dyke

The Token Dyke

I don't drink. It's no secret. It's not that I haven't imbibed alcohol before, or even may have a glass of wine once and a blue moon. I don't really have anything against it personally. It's just not something I'm “into”. If getting drunk is your thing and you want to spend your money that way by all means do so. But for the love of all things holy do not approach me for sexual advances. I mean why shouldn't I find that fact that you have had to consume copious amounts of alcohol in order to make a pass at me? Why shouldn't I feel attractive that way? I mean who doesn't find the smell of alcohol on your breath as you slur words attractive? Oh wait.... me. There is nothing worse than being the token dyke at a predominantly straight environment where alcohol is involved. Why women think that because they sling their arm around me and say, “you know I'm not sure what I am, I’ve always been curious” that I would say to them, come on home with me. Thank you for considering me for your science experiment, but no thank you. I don't want to wake up beside you gnawing off your arm because you only wanted to try it and found out that yup I am a real girl underneath these clothes. Thank you for not considering my wants and feelings. Thank you for assuming that I find you attractive, my type and want to sleep with you. Thank you for assuming that drunkenness is some lesbian aphrodisiac. Just to be clear, I wouldn't date nor sleep with an actual lesbian who was hammered and wanted to drag me into bed. It's not something I desire in a partner and to make it clearer I just don't want to hop into bed with anyone. I value myself more than that and you should too..... and perhaps cut down on your alcohol intake.

Keeping your word

Keeping your word

Biblically speaking the apostle John has this to say:

1 John 2:5

English Standard Version (ESV)
5 but whoever keeps his word, in him truly the love of God is perfected. By this we may know that we are in him:

Nothing is more frustrating than to associate with people who do not keep their word. Mean what you say, and say what you mean, but also do what you say. A good friend of mine said “Love is an action word.” This means keeping your promises and doing what you say. How can you love your neighbour if you make promises to him or her that you do not keep. If your word means nothing that truly you have nothing. You should not have to make a vow in order to keep your word. Matthew says this:

Matthew 5:33-37

“Again you have heard that it was said to those of old, ‘You shall not swear falsely, but shall perform to the Lord what you have sworn.’ But I say to you, Do not take an oath at all, either by heaven, for it is the throne of God, or by the earth, for it is his footstool, or by Jerusalem, for it is the city of the great King. And do not take an oath by your head, for you cannot make one hair white or black. Let what you say be simply ‘Yes’ or ‘No’; anything more than this comes from evil.

So when you say yes and you commit yourself to an action follow up on it. “Commitment is staying loyal long after the desire to do so has left you.” If you forget your commitments, it says to the person that the words that you spoke have no value, not only that, but that you don't value them enough to remember the commitments you have made to them. Not only does it mean that you don't value the person, but you don't value yourself as well. In this age of communication words are cheap. Actions speak louder than words. Act on your words as well as speaking them. Sometimes it is incredibly hard, but in all things anything worth doing is worth doing well, especially if it is difficult.

The Hippy Hippy Shake

The hippy hippy shake

On top of having MS I have low blood pressure. I guess you could say it's my body's attempt to be zen. It doesn't really affect me in any way except when I stand up to fast some days. The it becomes slightly amusing. Well amusing to me, kinda scarey to other people. It's kinda neat to see the look of shear panic on other peoples faces when my body reflects the neurological damage that it's undergone. Anybody seen the “Humpty Dance?” It kinda looks like that. It gave me a good morning chuckle this morning. First my left leg starts twitching to let me know I've stood up too fast, then my head becomes kinda heavy and awkward too hold up so it starts lolling to one side then the other side. I'm not sure why it can't pick a team and commit but I really wish it would. Then i hear the train coming which is actually my heart sending much needed blood to my brain. My field of vision start to close, so at this point I tend to shut my eyes and concentrate on not falling over. What ever is closest to me I tend to grab on for balance. If it's you, for goodness sake don't move I'll fall over and have to start the process again. The whole process takes about 30 seconds to a minute to complete. It wouldn't be bad except for the signals my brain sends out to my body causing it to twitch.

The first time it happened I was a little bit concerned so I spoke with my doctor about it. She said that because my blood pressure is so low when I stand up sometimes my body goes into shock. It doesn't happen often and it isn't anything to worry about. Just a little bit of entertainment from my old friend MS.

The Sun will come out Tomorrow!

The Sun will come out Tomorrow

Yesterday I threw a pity party for one. Nothing makes you feels quite as unattractive as being dumped. Even the weather matched my mood. It was rainy and cold and grey. My daughter came home the other day practising for a play at school. It's Annie. She is learning the sun will come out tomorrow. You know what. The sun came out today. It's still cold and I'm snuggled up under a blanket typing this outside in my “office”. I realized I don't want an unhealthy relationship, I deserve a relationship where someone puts as much effort into us as I do. So now I look at it like a helping hand, a positive thing instead of a negative. I'm thankful for the lessons I learned about myself even the ones I didn't know I needed to learn, or didn't want to. Some times getting dumped is a good thing!

Cognitively speaking

Cognitively speaking

One of the hardest things to cope with besides the fatigue and depression is the lack of short term memory that I suffer from with MS. This symptom is exasperated by lack of sleep and stress and is often quite embarrassing. I started noticing things long before I got diagnosed. A particularly problematic complication is my failure to remember names. It's not that I don't find you interesting; In fact I could probably quote you the whole story of your life if you told me, but remember your name. Nah. It is a simple thing, but people get fairly offended when i don't recall what to call them. They even take it personally as if I couldn't be bothered to remember when the simple fact is I just can't recall.

Getting older means not remembering things as quickly as I once did, at least that is what people tell me. I highly doubt at the ripe old age of 35 I should be experiencing the aphasia that I do. Come on, how many people forget the name of the freezer and have to tell someone to go downstairs and put the meat in the square thing that makes cold? Sure it sounds funny, but who forgets what a freezer is called. I've learned to “think around” things and describe them or alter what I am speaking about, and for the most part I don't get caught as often as it happens. I use visual cues to remember things of importance and I would be lost with out my phone, computer and calendar. It is not simply just objects that I loose the names of, but words and meanings as well. I often worry that I come across as uneducated, or simple when the fact is I just can process the information like I once could. I once commented that a fox that ran by looked emasculated when I meant emaciated. A good chuckle was had by all. Except me. I laughed on the outside, but inwardly I was humiliated.

So of all the things I miss the most I miss my mind the most.

An exercise in futility

An exercise in futility

I've been pecking away at this blog now for over a year and I'm just about at 1000 hits. Is it random fate that brings you to my page or are you friends of mine checking to see if I have written about you. So here it is another exercise in futility, if you read my blog and are a follower, post a comment of encouragement to let me know if anyone is out there. Thanks :D

Homelessness

Homelessness

(Photo from this morning)

This morning when I went to pick up a friend because the buses weren't running my daughter spotted a homeless man sleeping in a doorway. It rained last night and he slept there seeking shelter from the elements. I got out of my SUV and gave the man the emergency blanket that was in my trunk and covered him up. It was a cool damp morning and I figured I should give him as much comfort as I could.

Most people think of homeless people as drug addicts or alcoholics and avoid them like the plague. I worked as a Counsellor in Oshawa at various agencies to help homeless and impoverished peopled. I learned many things working there and used to tell people I worked with human garbage. Most people agreed with me. What I actually meant was I worked with people society had thrown away and gave up on. No one sets out to be homeless. No one says hey Mom I want to grow up and be a drug addict and while I can't argue that a lot of homeless people have substance abuse problems, the majority have mental health issues. I found a correlation between addiction and concurrent mental health issues. If you think about it, no rational human being would choose to live on the street if there were any other option for them. Society has failed these people as a whole. Instead of caring for them, providing treatment for their mental health we walk by and think there goes another boozer. I'm not saying you should dig into your pockets and fork out your money to them, but do donate to causes who help them. Understand the problem before you judge. Spend a day at a drop in centre before you judge. I've known homeless people with university education who ended up homeless because they simply suffered from a disease called schizophrenia, people with doctorates who aren't drug addicts they are simply just sick.

So this thanksgiving while you are eating your turkey, ponder what you can do to help those in need and be thankful for what you have.

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving

 

Today some people are celebrating Thanksgiving some people are celebrating it tomorrow.... some people won't be celebrating it at all. It isn't that they don't want to, it isn't that they don't have any family or loved ones to be graced with his/her presents, it isn't because they aren't living and breathing, it is because they can't. It is because they have chosen to protect this free country that we love and that means sacrificing things like birthdays, thanksgiving, Christmas, anniversaries and any other special occasion that happens to fall when they are on duty. It isn't just the fact that they are willing to give up their life for our country's freedom, but also their LIVES which makes Canadian Soldiers incredible people.

So after you thank God for the meal in front of you, take a moment to bow your head and thank the soldiers who are missing their family and friends this Thanksgiving.

To my soldier: I love you and miss you and although I would have a Happier Thanksgiving with you at the table or the knowledge that you are at a table with loved ones, I pray that you have a happy thanksgiving and sleep soundly tonight knowing that the civilian population thanks you.

Smoking

Smoking

I started smoking again. Okay I'm an idiot. There I said it. If it makes you feel better you can call me an idiot too. It was a stupid thing to do and every time I start up again I think, “wow it happened just like before!” I know the risks, I know the financial and physical price. To be quiet honest with you I'm humiliated. I just recently phoned my Mom and told her, not being able to do it face to face because I'm so ashamed. I've been avoiding them like the plague so I don't have to hear the lecture (which I'm doing already in my head). There is nothing you can say or do that will make me feel worse about this than I already do. BUT I have a plan and telling my parents was the first step in dealing with it. You can't deal with a problem if you hide it. It just grows and grows. I will quit again, and soon, but in the spirit of National Coming Out Day, I came out. I a smoker and even when I quit again, I know I will always have that mentality and to avoid tobacco like the plague.

Hallowe'en

Hallowe'en

I remember when I was a kid the feeling of excitement that October brought. There was Thanksgiving, but following soon after that it was Hallowe'en! I would spend weeks agonizing about what I would dress up as. The game was to have the best costume and get the most candy. The more inventive my costume was, the more candy I would get. I would come home, check or let my parents check my candy and eat myself into a stomach ache. Now Hallowe'en is a different beast.

I can just imagine the conversations that are going around the tables this year. Mom, “What would you like to be for Hallowe’en?” Girl, “I want to be a sexy cop!” WTH Instead of taking this opportunity to to teach children that they should have more self value and worth the parents dole out the cash for highly inappropriate costumes. I'm no prude but the thought of someone “sexualizing” my child makes me punchy and the thought of someone leering at my child makes me down right stabby!

I wouldn't send my child out in one of those costumes if you paid me. I wouldn't allow my daughter to dress up as a prostitute either. We tell our children that No means NO and they should be able to walk down any dark ally without feeling threatened, visit any man or boy alone without being raped, wear what they want and speak what they want, but that isn't the case. Lots of women don't wear sexual clothing when they are raped, and I can just hear the hair on some peoples neck standing up as I type this. The blame does lay with the rapist! But why put yourself in a light that draws attention to yourself? Why dress your child up to make them more appealing to child molesters? Why put your child in a costume that makes them appear much older then they are? Yes the rapists are at fault, and this cry against humanity should not happen. We should be teaching our young boys and men not to objectify women and we can start this by not allowing ourselves to allow our young girls to objectify themselves.

What is my daughter dressing up as? She is either going out in her Gi or dressing up as a hobo. Either one is just fine by me!

How to Love

How to Love

When asked what is the greatest law Jesus said:

37 Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’[a] 38 This is the first and greatest commandment. 39 And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbour as yourself.’[b] 40 All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”

How do we love our neighbour as our-self?

In Paul's first letter to the Corinthians he wrote:

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonour others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.

So how do we do this and who is our neighbour? Well in this world wide community our neighbours are pretty much anyone. Random acts of kindness to all people is a good place to start. Like to cook? Cook a busy single person a home cooked meal. Like to bake? Bake something for someone who doesn't have time to do it themselves. You don't have to always do or make something, you can give of your time. Got a friend with a messy house, help them clean it. Visit a lonely friend, have a coffee with them, stop by an elderly persons house on your street. Get to know them. But do not boast about it. Random acts of kindness are a reward in themselves and are quickly spoiled if they are shared.

Also keeping your word is important. If you have told someone you will do something do it. It does not show love if you fail at your word. Your word is your bond and if someone can't believe or trust in your word how do you show them you love them.

Be kind to each other. Start a trend.

Starting Over

Starting over

If you would have told me 15 years ago or even 10 years ago I wouldn't have believed it. Having MS makes me an expert at starting over. Sometimes it is relearning how to walk or mentally process things, sometimes it is even deeper like reevaluating who you are and what is important in your life.

These last 7 years I've gone through a particularly nasty divorce and the end of a very long term (albeit toxic) relationship. I've learned how to reevaluate people in my life, how to cope with loss and how to roll with the punches. I believe that if I hadn't have been diagnosed with MS and had to cope with the loss of my limbs, sight and speech I may have handled those endings a little differently, but I've had to roll with the punches. There isn't anyone I can lean on to teach me how to walk. Sure I have had some pretty marvellous physiotherapists, but it was me and only me who put the effort in the gruelling hours learning how to put one foot in front of the other.

So I start over. Sure it is upsetting to end a relationship, just like it is upsetting to loose the use of one's limbs, but I cope. I also don't want to find anyone who wants to take care of me. Help me along the way, perhaps pick me up when I fall, but take care of me.... Never. I hope to find a partner in life who we can take care of each others emotional needs. That is what is important. Perhaps one day I will be lucky enough to find my partner in life or perhaps she will find me.