The New Lesbian Dating

The New Lesbian Dating

After pretty much being single for the last year, I've decided I'm going to put a little effort in dating now. I realized in order to attract the right girl I had to know what I wanted in life, and what I want from her. I've done some major house keeping (both metaphorically and literally). I've learned a great deal about myself this past year and am learning new things about myself every day. Because I have MS, I am fairly adaptable and realized that I adjust to change with as much determination as I do when I'm learning to walk again.

During new years, a close friend and I said that this is our year and I'm starting to believe him. This is my year. Last year provided me the tools I needed to equip myself for the coming events of this year. Although I am fighting many battles I learned that I am a warrior. The difference between a soldier and a warrior is a soldier gets paid to fight battles and is ordered to do so, a warrior will fight because he or she has to, or chooses too and believes in the cause. I am a warrior, I battle MS and Depression because I have to, I fight for me because I choose too.

So far the dating scene has been as slow as I've wanted it to be. Recently I've been contacted by a friend who I met many months back. She and I shared a few of the same battles and I'm happy to be reacquainted with her. I'm no longer afraid of what is to come, the worst that could happen is I end up with a good friend. I'm starting to trust my gut instincts with people and have realized that it is rarely wrong. I learned that if your mind, heart and gut are in conflict. Listen to your gut. It's kind of a built in safe guard.

Today I am awesome because I am adaptable to change!

Being a Parent means putting your child first!

Being a Parent means putting your child first!

Sorry I missed yesterday blogging. I started on a number of topics, but none of them felt right. I am also battling a pretty nasty cold right now. Which is somewhat ironic considering I spent the day a couple of days ago on two separate occasions making soup for friends that had the flu! (I am awesome because I make soup for sick friends).

I was away the prior week end at a Karate tournament and my daughter loved staying at the hotel. When friends of mine offered to rent a hotel for the the night and have my daughter and myself come along I jumped at the chance. I am hoping I am better so I can enjoy my time to the fullest, but regardless if I am sick or not I am going. It's not just because I promised my daughter, but because the worst thing in the world is to see disappointment on your child's face. I mean it cuts like a knife, and I don't want to be the cause of it.

So often I see people who are parents who don't put their child first. I see people use their children as a weapon against the other parent which is completely despicable. My long term partner and I broke up over a year ago. She does not have any legal right to access to my child, but that is irrelevant. My daughter has a bond with her and it is my responsibility to uphold that bond no matter what my personal feelings for my ex I have. My feelings are not important, it is my daughter who comes first. When I gave birth to her I made a solemn promise to her to love her and protect her, to take her feelings into account before mine, and to foster growth and individuality in her. Her individual feelings are more important than mine. Unfortunately, her Father puts her at risk and I am not able to do the same in that situation, which is completely his loss. She is an awesome child and i would do anything for her.

People need to remember that when you have a child they never asked to be brought into the world, it is your responsibility to put them first regardless of the cost to you. Today I am awesome because I'm a good mom!

Keeping the Theme

Keeping the Theme

In keeping with the theme of why I'm awesome (it sounds so boastful and wrong) I'm going to talk about why the trait today I am writing about makes me awesome. What makes me awesome is that my ability to love is only inhibited by a persons or peoples ability to accept it. In easier terms I have an endless capacity to love or in biblical terms I live by the golden rule. Luke 6 31 says this:

31 “As you would like people to do to you, do exactly so to them. 32 If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them. 33 If you do good to those who do good to you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners do the same. 34 If you lend to those from whom you hope to receive, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, to receive back as much. 35 But love your enemies, and do good, and lend, expecting nothing back; and your reward will be great, and you will be children of the Most High

Now don't get me wrong I am not perfect. I make lots of mistakes. Romans 3:23 for all have sinned, and fall short of the glory of God . I am human, and by how the first one to admit it. But, when I do wrong or someone has wronged me, I try and live by Romans 12: 17-21 :

17 If someone has done you wrong, do not repay him with a wrong. Try to do what everyone considers to be good. 18 Do everything possible on your part to live in peace with everybody. 19 Never take revenge, my friends, but instead let God's anger do it. For the scripture says, "I will take revenge, I will pay back, says the Lord." 20 Instead, as the scripture says: "If your enemies are hungry, feed them; if they are thirsty, give them a drink; for by doing this you will make them burn with shame." 21 Do not let evil defeat you; instead, conquer evil with good.

I have had more than my fair share of pitfalls in life, but I refuse to allow it to interfere with my in born ability to love people. Although I have backed up my personal belief with biblical quotes, this isn't the sole reason I follow it. It's just in my nature, but it's also my personal belief.

Mastering the Mind with MS

Mastering the Mind with MS

One of the most difficult things to accept with the diagnosis of MS is the changes in your brain. In prior posts I've discussed coping with depression (which is definitely a huge change in a persons brain) and emotional incontinence. Some of the other mental changes can be loss of memory (ever walked into a room and can't remember why you are there? Try that 10 or 15 times a day or more ) Also, above and beyond cognitive changes, a persons mental image of themselves changes. It is different than Body dysmorphic disorder which an individual is focusing on a perceived physical flaw, but a hyper focusing on what is actually wrong with an individual. The person becomes the illness. Not only are people with MS susceptible to this line of thinking, but also their own mental self image changes.

Mental self image is how you perceive your own thought patterns. Do you think you are intelligent, or not, are or were you good at remembering names and fine details. Our mental self image changes as we age, but for people with MS, our mental self image changes on almost a daily basis. This can play havoc on our self esteem even if we value ourselves highly. Self Esteem is an emotional response and not an intellectual response. Over all general intelligence is not affected with MS. However someone with MS may feel less intelligent because they can't rely on the tools that they once used. Personally, I used to have a great memory (Much to the chagrin of my emotional counterparts), I was able to focus my attention and sit in my college classroom and pay attention and still had my marks in the mid to high 90's. When I started feeling the mental affects of MS my mental self image changed and rightly so, however it is important to remember to guard your self against “Mental Dismorphic Disorder” You don't want to perceive your intelligence as less than it is because it will impact your self esteem.

I started feeling emotionally less worthy because my my mental self image was skewed. My actual intelligence and my mental self image was in-congruent. My Karate instructor and close friend had noticed this and like a true Karate instructor gave me mental exercises yesterday to help. (He's actually pretty brilliant and doesn't read my blog so he won't get a swelled head and not that he would either.) So, I have a year long task. (I know right) Each day I have to write down a reason “why I am awesome”. Those are his words and not mine. “Pam, if you want to stop attracting people who aren't worthy of you or your time, you have to start realizing how awesome you are. You have to stop accepting the bottom of the barrel and go for people that deserve you.” He's right, and I'm not stupid enough to argue with my Karate instructor. So here is my first one, The reason I am awesome is I am an honest person. I value honesty above all and fine people who lie abhorrent and cowardly. I suppose the honest route is not for everyone, but those people who do make a it practice to be dishonest are not worth my time or thoughts. In an effort to bolster my esteem and do a little extra homework, I have decided to rid myself of those who dishonour themselves and me by being dishonest. Being honest takes courage and those who lack the courage to be honest have nothing. At the end of the day, take away a persons clothes, home, vehicle any worldly possessions and all they have is their word, if there word means nothing they have nothing and all the bonds and relationships they have with people are hollow and fictious because they are built upon the foundation of lies. The bible has this to say about liars:

 Proverbs 21:6

New King James Version (NKJV)

6 Getting treasures by a lying tongue
Is the fleeting fantasy of those who seek death

So I might have a little trouble coming up with "Why I am awesome" after all it is a year long quest.  Feel free to inbox me why you, loyal reader think I'm awesome.  (He never said I can't have help :D)

Lesbian Problems 3 Questions

Lesbian Problems 3

Questions

I spent several years in college learning my trade, and several years in the field practising it. Perhaps this has lead to people feeling I am approachable. Maybe it's my face. One of my friends described my face as “gay face”. I'm not sure what that is, but we'll go with that? I don't mind answering questions depending on the time and place. I understand that people have a pressing need to know and if I'm approachable, then this is my lot in life. But I have to question the sanity of people in the places that they choose to ask me questions in or whom I am with. Here is clue one, if I'm with my kid it's not acceptable to ask me personal intimate details on my sex life EVER. I mean really, do YOU want to know ANYTHING about your parents sex life? Not to mention discussing sex in front of children is always a no no. In fact, don't even talk to me about anything remotely sexual in front of my child. Unless I'm giving her the birds and the bee's talk, this is not a conversation that comes up on a regular basis. I'm no prude, but lets be appropriate around small children shall we?

I understand that being a lesbian is different than the standard “norm” (It's normal for me) and you might have questions. I accept that I am going to have to answer silly questions all my life and deal with stupid assumptions. I understand I look stereotypically butch. I don't wear frilly clothing. It's not me. Yup I wear men's clothing but not so I can look like a guy. It's so they fit. I have ridiculously broad shoulders and am short and stocky, coupled with the fact that I have extremely well endowed in the chest area. It's nice, but they get in the way. The odds I can find a shirt in the womenfolk’s section that doesn't look like a maternity shirt on me is slim to none. I get that people assume because I'm a lesbian and that I'm butch that I am the “man” in the relationship. Let me clear that up for you. I am not a man, nor do I wish to be one (except when it snows and I want to write my name on a snow bank). I'm a girl through and through. I like being romanced. I like receiving flowers. I don't want the stereotypical role of a man thank you. I like being a girl, I just don't like being “girly”.

Obviously because I date women and have intimate relationships with them (although not frequently enough thanks) there may be questions. Why people are so interested in what I DO in bed is a little puzzling. Mostly I sleep and I'm damn good at it! I have been asked just about every question of a sexual nature there is. I am not the lesbian spokesperson. In fact, what each couple enjoys ranges in the heterosexual community too. Do you want to want to be the spokesperson for your sexual orientation? Do you have the same sex life as your neighbour? Would you assume that? Would you care? Why do people want a running list of what's in MY tickle trunk? Let's just say I've never had any complaints and please don't ask me any more questions when I'm OUT IN PUBLIC! If you have a question, pull me aside, offer to buy me a cup of coffee and ask. I'm not going to laugh at you (I will do that later). I am glad people ask questions of me and can answer some, but again keep in mind I am not the lesbian spokesperson, experience may vary with each individual. If you want to ask questions about ME, by all means I can answer them. If you want to ask general questions sure thing. If you want me to answer for EVERY gay person man or woman that graces the face of the earth I will tell you to pull your head out of your butt. I'm white, you don't ask me if all white people eat kraft dinner and wear plaid skirts or eat wiener schnitzel do you? Each individual experience will vary.

Speaking of individual experiences, I don't want to be yours. People have questions and curiosities I understand that. I'll answer questions I'll even take you to the local gay hang outs, but I'm not interested in being your science experiment. Unless I am in a committed relationship with someone, I'm not the type of girl to just hop into bed with anyone. I have a little more respect for myself than that. If that is what you are interested in, there are plenty of people out there for you. I'm not one of them!

What it looks like to be depressed

What it looks like to be depressed

I understand it's hard to love someone with a mental illness. It really must be rather draining. Dealing with someone who is depressed and covered by the cloak of negativity and sadness is extremely hard, no one wants to be brought down. It's hard to have a conversation with someone who is hyper focused on the bad things in life instead of the good things. It's hard to hear someone talk negatively about everything even though they have wonderful things going on in their life. I'm sure there are times when you might feel as if you just want to shake them and say, “Why are you crying over that nickle when you have a million dollars in the bank?” It's tiring I suppose. Let's look at it from another angle though shall we? We have all been depressed at one time or another.

If you think it's hard to love someone like that close your eyes. Now open them and imagine life from their perspective. Don't you think the person wants feel happy and feel joy? Do you think they get some perverse pleasure being stuck on the negative things in life? We are not talking about a negative person (we all know people who like to bitch), but a person who's life is entirely tainted by this black cloud that casts shadows over them. Honestly, do you think they like being this way? Really? Every human being wants to experience joy and happiness, but people who suffer from clinical depression can't. Oh it can be helped by medication. So instead of a black storm cloud it's just overcast with some periods where the sun streams down and warms your soul. And those periods where you get to feel the sun shine on your face are few and far between and always hampered by the knowledge that the clouds will come back and steal the sunlight from you. It's just there out of reach, covered by the clouds. You may even be able to make out the sun, but there is no way that you can clear the clouds. Imagine living in a world of perpetual darkness and sorrow. Imagine reliving every terrible thing or mistake or perceived mistake over and over again. Then someone whom you love tells you that they are drained by your darkness while the sun streams down on their face. Imagine knowing that this person is living their life in the sun and complaining that the clouds that follow you around are hampering their constant sunlight. Imagine they point up at the sun, and say look it's still shining and it's beautiful, but you can't see it because from where you are standing the clouds are blocking it. They can't see the clouds, they aren't standing in your spot. They reach out their hand and say here come stand here, but there is a bottomless chasm that separates the two of you. It's a semi permeable membrane that they can freely cross and come to you and you can feel the warmth from the sun emanating off them, but when you try and cross you are stopped, just out of reach. No matter how hard you kick and punch this membrane stops you and you can't get there. You just have to wait for that brief moment on your side that the sun blares through. You hold on to the memory of that little stream of sunlight that pierced the clouds. Sometimes the gaps between sunbeams is so long your forget what the warmth of the sun feels like. You see you loved ones basking in the sun and aren't jealous, but thankful that they experience the light and you wish that you could join them, but the membrane keeps you separate. You can pretend and get as close as your can to them, ignoring the membrane and sometimes just for a moment you can join them almost. But just like a membrane it can only stretch so far and thrusts you back into the land of shadows and perpetual grey. It makes the fall even more painful knowing you were so close.

Now close your eyes again and sweep those images out of your mind because you can. Because you don't live on the wrong side of that membrane. Now open them and enjoy the sun. Feel it's warmth, radiating through your whole body. And think to yourself, at one point, those poor souls lived in the sunshine just like you. They are creatures of the sun forced to live in the land of grey. They were born into lush green lands full of chirping birds and beautiful flowers but sucked into the world of grey.

This is what it is like to live with depression.

Lesbian Problems 2

Lesbian Problems 2

As I've said before, being a lesbian has it's own set of unique problems. Here is problem number 2.

Well meaning people who want you to be in a relationship. I love my friends, I really do. I have an eclectic bunch of them, and know people in so many different walks of life that I am actually impressed. One of my closest friends is a straight male, he is incredibly handsome (I'm gay not blind), he's smart, has a good job, and has just about the biggest heart you could ask for. He has also been studying martial arts for a long time of various styles which means the man doesn't have an inch of fat on him (despite my best efforts) so he is fairly muscular. He is some girls dream man. If I had a nickle for every time someone thought or suggested I date him I'd be rich. I love him, I really do. We call each other non-sexual life partners for a reason. He's got parts I'm not interested it, and who the hell even suggested that he might even be attracted to me?????

My lack of gaydar and my single status have made it so my well meaning friends make suggestions on who I should date. They point out friends of mine and say, “you should date her.” Why? Because we are both attracted to women? That doesn't mean we are attracted to each other! Just because we share a common interest in vagina's doesn't mean we are compatible in a relationship. I suppose it's a good start, but seriously don't you think if there were any attraction between us I would have asked her out on a date, or the reverse?

Then there is going out in public with my straight friends who know I don't have gaydar, but will point out every lesbian (or potential lesbian) to me. I'm flattered for the help, but there is such things as “types” I know I'm rather “butch” looking, and the assumption is I'd probably go for a fem right? I really have no interest in dating a girl who leaves a complete face print on the pillow. You never know what the hell is underneath all that make up, you could go to bed with Angelina Jolie and wake up next to Aileen Wuornos. On the opposite end of the scale, I should be glad that they aren't pointing out women with mullets anymore. I mean really? I'd shave them in their sleep and probably end up in jail or something. COME ON.

Then you have the “straight” girls who think just because you are a lesbian that you are attracted to them. This scenario always goes one of two ways. Either they assume that you want them and are disgusted or they want to pour alcohol into themselves and you so you end up in bed together. Either way NO FREAKING WAY. Hey here is a hint, I'm not a slut. I don't go jumping into bed with just anyone, and I'm actually kinda picky. Just for your information, no lesbian in her right mind wants to be the science experiment. I don't want to wake up in the morning with you trying to gnaw your arm off. I don't drink alcohol and really no amount of alcohol would do it. Unless I was unconscious and I probably wouldn't be much fun anyhow.

To wrap this up, yup finding a girlfriend is difficult but I've been okay thus far in finding mates (albeit sometimes I make poor choices). I am glad that my friends love me and want to see me happy, but I think I can manage on my own.

Lesbian Problems

Lesbian problems

Being a gay woman has it's own set of unique problems. I mean it's probably obvious to the outside population that we should have our own unique set of problems, but the individual problems themselves are not exactly obvious to the heterosexual population. There are a lot of stereotypes and misinformation to clear up, even among family members and friends there is a lot of bad information floating around. Let me give some examples from my own life.

I recently had to go to the doctors office for my two year “physical”. Every woman can relate to this. It's not fun, it's mildly embarrassing and always cold in the office. I love my doctor, she's great. She actually treats me like a human being, but there are some awkward moments. During the physical she is very through and even includes a breast exam. This is not as fun as some of you might think. The little piece of paper towel that they give to make me feel like I have some modesty actually does the opposite. During the exam she makes idle chatter with me and I feel like an avocado that someone is picking up and squeezing in the grocery store, decides they don't want and puts back into the little paper cup. I am praying she doesn't think I'm enjoying this in the least. Then she goes a little further south and I'm asked to shimmy down on the table and put my legs up in the stirrups. It's always the same thing..... a little further down please...further please....just a bit more... Okay I can only shimmy down so far at a time, and doing the backwards shuffle while wearing a Kleenex has got to be the MOST unattractive I've looked. She then proceeds to insert the duck lips and I'm pleased that she has switched to plastic which is less cold than metal. I mean enjoy the little things right. She continues the inane conversation while doing Lord knows what down there. I'm not sure what would be more comforting silence or chatter. Maybe she's listening for and echo? When we are done she leaves the room and I’m left to clean up for the 30 seconds she gives me. What is the point of that? You've just been staring down town for several minutes and squeezing my boobs like a baker kneading bread, you thought that perhaps that you'd lend me some dignity by not watching me get dressed? Did my granny panties frighten you? I mean, you've seen parts of me “I” haven't even seen, but goodness knows you can look at my faded bra or something.

Now all of this I can handle. Every woman has to go for it. It is a bond we share. She fills out the paper work for the assorted blood tests and I guess it's routine to her. Perhaps that's why she asked if I needed a pregnancy test. Perhaps it was a momentary lapse in judgement. I know I scheduled the exam myself (usually she has to hound me), but really? Let's be honest here. The exam was probably the most action I've seen with a woman in months. Pregnancy test? I know I have a kid, but the pregnancy ship sailed a long time ago just about the time when I had my tubes tied. That and the fact that the man ship sunk a long time ago, just about the time I figured out I was a lesbian actually. Unless there is some way of getting pregnant I haven't heard of yet, I can say with 100 percent accuracy I'm not. I mean, I’ve never heard of a female getting another female pregnant is that what dental dams are for? I've never used one, kinda smacks of eating a burger with the wrapper still on. Pregnant. I haven't even formed a good idea lately, never mind a child inside. Do I really have to answer this question. Is this something new I have to worry myself with? I just answer no and she goes back to her paper work. I on the other hand am trying to maintain a dead pan face while the lady in my head is howling with laughter. I made it to the car before exploding.

Lesbian problems. Gotta love them.