Change

 Change

This year has been a year of changes for me. The relationship with my long term girlfriend ended late January of this year. Since then I have had the opportunity to learn a lot about myself, make some changes in my life, and explore new avenues. I have learned that I an extremely strong person. I managed to navigate these troubled times (with the help of my family and friends). I have experienced things like dating which was a completely foreign concept to me. Having been married and directly into a long term relationship left a little thing like dating out. Internet dating is all the rage now, and although I have had some luck, I much prefer to go out and meet people face to face. This hasn't happened yet as my gaydar sucks and I really don't have any aspirations to be in a relationship at the moment.

I am rediscovering the things in life that I love, my guitar, Karate, writing and dancing. I may not be the best at any of them, but I do so enjoy them. These things that I had forgotten that made up a huge part of my life at one time, have now become a central part again, and my paradigm has shifted. I have also developed and nurtured close friendships this year which was impossible when I was married and with my long time girlfriend. My friends have encouraged me and supported me more than I ever thought possible. I had never been one to make a bunch of friends, but now I find myself surrounded by them.

I have had to navigate little life problems that I would never have thought about when i was part of a couple, for example finding a date for a wedding. Once again friends are great for that. Currently I am a little anxious for Christmas as it is my first Christmas single. Friends will fill the gap for that as well. New Years is also a little nerve racking, as I have no one to kiss this year. I think this may be the first year my lips will not be kissed at midnight, friends just can't fill that role.

Melissa Etheridge said it best when she said, “the only thing that stays the same is change”. I think change is hard, but then again nothing in my life has come easy and I am looking forward to the year ahead with hope and expectation. This year is going to be about me, striving to make a better person of myself, following the dreams that I can and if someone comes along to hold my hand great, but I am not going to go out looking. Sometimes the perfect things in life can be found with out hunting.

It is not about you, it's about them.

It is not about you, it's about them

Remembrance day is not about you. It's not about if you believe in war, what your political beliefs are or morals and values. It's about remembering those brave men and women who have given up their life. You may not agree how they died, but the simple fact is they did and we as Canadians should remember them. The last line of the poem In Flanders Fields is:

If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow

In Flanders fields

We don't have to believe in war or agree with the reason, but simply don't break faith. Remember them because it is not about you. On Remembrance day I remember them, I also give pause to think of the families that have lost soldiers as well. The families who had no choice in the sacrifice, the spousals and children of the fallen soldiers. Remembrance day is for them too. We acknowledge their loss.

Each year when I buy my poppy (and lets face it more than once cuz they tend to escape) if the person selling it is a vet or in the service I thank them, because remembering is for them too. My daughter this year bought her poppy from a soldiers Mom and remembered to tell her son that a little girl from Oshawa thanks him for his service. Like war or not, the fact of the matter is if there wasn't a need we wouldn't have the Canadian Armed Forces. Thank a soldier for his or her service, remember the fallen and the families of those who have and have some respect.

The Token Dyke

The Token Dyke

I don't drink. It's no secret. It's not that I haven't imbibed alcohol before, or even may have a glass of wine once and a blue moon. I don't really have anything against it personally. It's just not something I'm “into”. If getting drunk is your thing and you want to spend your money that way by all means do so. But for the love of all things holy do not approach me for sexual advances. I mean why shouldn't I find that fact that you have had to consume copious amounts of alcohol in order to make a pass at me? Why shouldn't I feel attractive that way? I mean who doesn't find the smell of alcohol on your breath as you slur words attractive? Oh wait.... me. There is nothing worse than being the token dyke at a predominantly straight environment where alcohol is involved. Why women think that because they sling their arm around me and say, “you know I'm not sure what I am, I’ve always been curious” that I would say to them, come on home with me. Thank you for considering me for your science experiment, but no thank you. I don't want to wake up beside you gnawing off your arm because you only wanted to try it and found out that yup I am a real girl underneath these clothes. Thank you for not considering my wants and feelings. Thank you for assuming that I find you attractive, my type and want to sleep with you. Thank you for assuming that drunkenness is some lesbian aphrodisiac. Just to be clear, I wouldn't date nor sleep with an actual lesbian who was hammered and wanted to drag me into bed. It's not something I desire in a partner and to make it clearer I just don't want to hop into bed with anyone. I value myself more than that and you should too..... and perhaps cut down on your alcohol intake.

Keeping your word

Keeping your word

Biblically speaking the apostle John has this to say:

1 John 2:5

English Standard Version (ESV)
5 but whoever keeps his word, in him truly the love of God is perfected. By this we may know that we are in him:

Nothing is more frustrating than to associate with people who do not keep their word. Mean what you say, and say what you mean, but also do what you say. A good friend of mine said “Love is an action word.” This means keeping your promises and doing what you say. How can you love your neighbour if you make promises to him or her that you do not keep. If your word means nothing that truly you have nothing. You should not have to make a vow in order to keep your word. Matthew says this:

Matthew 5:33-37

“Again you have heard that it was said to those of old, ‘You shall not swear falsely, but shall perform to the Lord what you have sworn.’ But I say to you, Do not take an oath at all, either by heaven, for it is the throne of God, or by the earth, for it is his footstool, or by Jerusalem, for it is the city of the great King. And do not take an oath by your head, for you cannot make one hair white or black. Let what you say be simply ‘Yes’ or ‘No’; anything more than this comes from evil.

So when you say yes and you commit yourself to an action follow up on it. “Commitment is staying loyal long after the desire to do so has left you.” If you forget your commitments, it says to the person that the words that you spoke have no value, not only that, but that you don't value them enough to remember the commitments you have made to them. Not only does it mean that you don't value the person, but you don't value yourself as well. In this age of communication words are cheap. Actions speak louder than words. Act on your words as well as speaking them. Sometimes it is incredibly hard, but in all things anything worth doing is worth doing well, especially if it is difficult.

The Hippy Hippy Shake

The hippy hippy shake

On top of having MS I have low blood pressure. I guess you could say it's my body's attempt to be zen. It doesn't really affect me in any way except when I stand up to fast some days. The it becomes slightly amusing. Well amusing to me, kinda scarey to other people. It's kinda neat to see the look of shear panic on other peoples faces when my body reflects the neurological damage that it's undergone. Anybody seen the “Humpty Dance?” It kinda looks like that. It gave me a good morning chuckle this morning. First my left leg starts twitching to let me know I've stood up too fast, then my head becomes kinda heavy and awkward too hold up so it starts lolling to one side then the other side. I'm not sure why it can't pick a team and commit but I really wish it would. Then i hear the train coming which is actually my heart sending much needed blood to my brain. My field of vision start to close, so at this point I tend to shut my eyes and concentrate on not falling over. What ever is closest to me I tend to grab on for balance. If it's you, for goodness sake don't move I'll fall over and have to start the process again. The whole process takes about 30 seconds to a minute to complete. It wouldn't be bad except for the signals my brain sends out to my body causing it to twitch.

The first time it happened I was a little bit concerned so I spoke with my doctor about it. She said that because my blood pressure is so low when I stand up sometimes my body goes into shock. It doesn't happen often and it isn't anything to worry about. Just a little bit of entertainment from my old friend MS.

The Sun will come out Tomorrow!

The Sun will come out Tomorrow

Yesterday I threw a pity party for one. Nothing makes you feels quite as unattractive as being dumped. Even the weather matched my mood. It was rainy and cold and grey. My daughter came home the other day practising for a play at school. It's Annie. She is learning the sun will come out tomorrow. You know what. The sun came out today. It's still cold and I'm snuggled up under a blanket typing this outside in my “office”. I realized I don't want an unhealthy relationship, I deserve a relationship where someone puts as much effort into us as I do. So now I look at it like a helping hand, a positive thing instead of a negative. I'm thankful for the lessons I learned about myself even the ones I didn't know I needed to learn, or didn't want to. Some times getting dumped is a good thing!

Cognitively speaking

Cognitively speaking

One of the hardest things to cope with besides the fatigue and depression is the lack of short term memory that I suffer from with MS. This symptom is exasperated by lack of sleep and stress and is often quite embarrassing. I started noticing things long before I got diagnosed. A particularly problematic complication is my failure to remember names. It's not that I don't find you interesting; In fact I could probably quote you the whole story of your life if you told me, but remember your name. Nah. It is a simple thing, but people get fairly offended when i don't recall what to call them. They even take it personally as if I couldn't be bothered to remember when the simple fact is I just can't recall.

Getting older means not remembering things as quickly as I once did, at least that is what people tell me. I highly doubt at the ripe old age of 35 I should be experiencing the aphasia that I do. Come on, how many people forget the name of the freezer and have to tell someone to go downstairs and put the meat in the square thing that makes cold? Sure it sounds funny, but who forgets what a freezer is called. I've learned to “think around” things and describe them or alter what I am speaking about, and for the most part I don't get caught as often as it happens. I use visual cues to remember things of importance and I would be lost with out my phone, computer and calendar. It is not simply just objects that I loose the names of, but words and meanings as well. I often worry that I come across as uneducated, or simple when the fact is I just can process the information like I once could. I once commented that a fox that ran by looked emasculated when I meant emaciated. A good chuckle was had by all. Except me. I laughed on the outside, but inwardly I was humiliated.

So of all the things I miss the most I miss my mind the most.

An exercise in futility

An exercise in futility

I've been pecking away at this blog now for over a year and I'm just about at 1000 hits. Is it random fate that brings you to my page or are you friends of mine checking to see if I have written about you. So here it is another exercise in futility, if you read my blog and are a follower, post a comment of encouragement to let me know if anyone is out there. Thanks :D

Homelessness

Homelessness

(Photo from this morning)

This morning when I went to pick up a friend because the buses weren't running my daughter spotted a homeless man sleeping in a doorway. It rained last night and he slept there seeking shelter from the elements. I got out of my SUV and gave the man the emergency blanket that was in my trunk and covered him up. It was a cool damp morning and I figured I should give him as much comfort as I could.

Most people think of homeless people as drug addicts or alcoholics and avoid them like the plague. I worked as a Counsellor in Oshawa at various agencies to help homeless and impoverished peopled. I learned many things working there and used to tell people I worked with human garbage. Most people agreed with me. What I actually meant was I worked with people society had thrown away and gave up on. No one sets out to be homeless. No one says hey Mom I want to grow up and be a drug addict and while I can't argue that a lot of homeless people have substance abuse problems, the majority have mental health issues. I found a correlation between addiction and concurrent mental health issues. If you think about it, no rational human being would choose to live on the street if there were any other option for them. Society has failed these people as a whole. Instead of caring for them, providing treatment for their mental health we walk by and think there goes another boozer. I'm not saying you should dig into your pockets and fork out your money to them, but do donate to causes who help them. Understand the problem before you judge. Spend a day at a drop in centre before you judge. I've known homeless people with university education who ended up homeless because they simply suffered from a disease called schizophrenia, people with doctorates who aren't drug addicts they are simply just sick.

So this thanksgiving while you are eating your turkey, ponder what you can do to help those in need and be thankful for what you have.

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving

 

Today some people are celebrating Thanksgiving some people are celebrating it tomorrow.... some people won't be celebrating it at all. It isn't that they don't want to, it isn't that they don't have any family or loved ones to be graced with his/her presents, it isn't because they aren't living and breathing, it is because they can't. It is because they have chosen to protect this free country that we love and that means sacrificing things like birthdays, thanksgiving, Christmas, anniversaries and any other special occasion that happens to fall when they are on duty. It isn't just the fact that they are willing to give up their life for our country's freedom, but also their LIVES which makes Canadian Soldiers incredible people.

So after you thank God for the meal in front of you, take a moment to bow your head and thank the soldiers who are missing their family and friends this Thanksgiving.

To my soldier: I love you and miss you and although I would have a Happier Thanksgiving with you at the table or the knowledge that you are at a table with loved ones, I pray that you have a happy thanksgiving and sleep soundly tonight knowing that the civilian population thanks you.

Smoking

Smoking

I started smoking again. Okay I'm an idiot. There I said it. If it makes you feel better you can call me an idiot too. It was a stupid thing to do and every time I start up again I think, “wow it happened just like before!” I know the risks, I know the financial and physical price. To be quiet honest with you I'm humiliated. I just recently phoned my Mom and told her, not being able to do it face to face because I'm so ashamed. I've been avoiding them like the plague so I don't have to hear the lecture (which I'm doing already in my head). There is nothing you can say or do that will make me feel worse about this than I already do. BUT I have a plan and telling my parents was the first step in dealing with it. You can't deal with a problem if you hide it. It just grows and grows. I will quit again, and soon, but in the spirit of National Coming Out Day, I came out. I a smoker and even when I quit again, I know I will always have that mentality and to avoid tobacco like the plague.

Hallowe'en

Hallowe'en

I remember when I was a kid the feeling of excitement that October brought. There was Thanksgiving, but following soon after that it was Hallowe'en! I would spend weeks agonizing about what I would dress up as. The game was to have the best costume and get the most candy. The more inventive my costume was, the more candy I would get. I would come home, check or let my parents check my candy and eat myself into a stomach ache. Now Hallowe'en is a different beast.

I can just imagine the conversations that are going around the tables this year. Mom, “What would you like to be for Hallowe’en?” Girl, “I want to be a sexy cop!” WTH Instead of taking this opportunity to to teach children that they should have more self value and worth the parents dole out the cash for highly inappropriate costumes. I'm no prude but the thought of someone “sexualizing” my child makes me punchy and the thought of someone leering at my child makes me down right stabby!

I wouldn't send my child out in one of those costumes if you paid me. I wouldn't allow my daughter to dress up as a prostitute either. We tell our children that No means NO and they should be able to walk down any dark ally without feeling threatened, visit any man or boy alone without being raped, wear what they want and speak what they want, but that isn't the case. Lots of women don't wear sexual clothing when they are raped, and I can just hear the hair on some peoples neck standing up as I type this. The blame does lay with the rapist! But why put yourself in a light that draws attention to yourself? Why dress your child up to make them more appealing to child molesters? Why put your child in a costume that makes them appear much older then they are? Yes the rapists are at fault, and this cry against humanity should not happen. We should be teaching our young boys and men not to objectify women and we can start this by not allowing ourselves to allow our young girls to objectify themselves.

What is my daughter dressing up as? She is either going out in her Gi or dressing up as a hobo. Either one is just fine by me!

How to Love

How to Love

When asked what is the greatest law Jesus said:

37 Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’[a] 38 This is the first and greatest commandment. 39 And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbour as yourself.’[b] 40 All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”

How do we love our neighbour as our-self?

In Paul's first letter to the Corinthians he wrote:

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonour others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.

So how do we do this and who is our neighbour? Well in this world wide community our neighbours are pretty much anyone. Random acts of kindness to all people is a good place to start. Like to cook? Cook a busy single person a home cooked meal. Like to bake? Bake something for someone who doesn't have time to do it themselves. You don't have to always do or make something, you can give of your time. Got a friend with a messy house, help them clean it. Visit a lonely friend, have a coffee with them, stop by an elderly persons house on your street. Get to know them. But do not boast about it. Random acts of kindness are a reward in themselves and are quickly spoiled if they are shared.

Also keeping your word is important. If you have told someone you will do something do it. It does not show love if you fail at your word. Your word is your bond and if someone can't believe or trust in your word how do you show them you love them.

Be kind to each other. Start a trend.

Starting Over

Starting over

If you would have told me 15 years ago or even 10 years ago I wouldn't have believed it. Having MS makes me an expert at starting over. Sometimes it is relearning how to walk or mentally process things, sometimes it is even deeper like reevaluating who you are and what is important in your life.

These last 7 years I've gone through a particularly nasty divorce and the end of a very long term (albeit toxic) relationship. I've learned how to reevaluate people in my life, how to cope with loss and how to roll with the punches. I believe that if I hadn't have been diagnosed with MS and had to cope with the loss of my limbs, sight and speech I may have handled those endings a little differently, but I've had to roll with the punches. There isn't anyone I can lean on to teach me how to walk. Sure I have had some pretty marvellous physiotherapists, but it was me and only me who put the effort in the gruelling hours learning how to put one foot in front of the other.

So I start over. Sure it is upsetting to end a relationship, just like it is upsetting to loose the use of one's limbs, but I cope. I also don't want to find anyone who wants to take care of me. Help me along the way, perhaps pick me up when I fall, but take care of me.... Never. I hope to find a partner in life who we can take care of each others emotional needs. That is what is important. Perhaps one day I will be lucky enough to find my partner in life or perhaps she will find me.

Heroes

Heroes

Last night I spotted a house fire and went tearing down the street to make sure everyone was evacuated from the house. When I realized that everyone was safe I spared a few seconds to see if I could see the cats the poor woman was screaming about. I had a clear line of sight through to the back of the house and would have attempted to grab them if I saw them. Alas I failed to see them and the cats perished in the fire. One of my friends call me a hero for willing to risk my life to save another. I am not a hero, just a concerned citizen. But it got me thinking. Who is a hero?

A hero is not a person who happens upon a circumstance and acts. Heroes are the firefighters who risk their lives on a daily basis and battle blazes for a living. A hero is not some one who cares about a single stranger. Heroes are the Men and women in the Canadian Forces who have dedicated their lives for the country and with out question don their uniforms, kiss their wives, husbands, family and lives goodbye and travel over seas so we can enjoy the freedom of the greatest country in the world. Heroes are not people who try and save an few animals in a fire. Heroes are the police officers who risk their lives every day sheltering us from criminals and protecting our peace. It is these people who are the hero's, it is these people whom we should thank. I was only doing what I hope someone else would do given the same circumstance. True heroes do this on a daily basis. If you haven't already, take the time to thank a true hero today.

The Need for Karate

The Need for Karate

 

 

 

I love Karate. I mean I really REALLY love Karate, but it's a good thing I do because I need it. My doctor told me 3 things that would greatly assist in dealing with Multiple Sclerosis: 1. Avoid stress like the plague, even good stress is stress and it is hard on your body. 2. Get lots of sleep. If your body feels tired, then sleep. And finally 3. Exercise a lot. Your muscles will atrophy more rapidly than an regular person if you don't use them.

A few years back I became unable to work and it sent my body and my mind into a downward spiral. I had a stationary job at a call centre and I remember waking up mid call my mouth was moving, but I had no recollection of the last few minutes or what I had said. I was unable to work any longer and unable to train for another job considering a call centre is about as stationary as you can get. I wrestled with the pain of losing such a huge part of my life. In my adult life I had worked 2 and 3 jobs to support myself and my family, but now I could no longer even do that. How would society treat me? I knew my family would understand, but what about the rest of the world. Would I be labelled as lazy?

I took up Karate, and didn't practise as much as I should however as time progressed I realized I felt better after doing Karate and slowly little things changed. When I started I was unable to sit in a position called seiza (kneeling on one's knees resting your buttocks on your calfs). I was unable to bend my knees as I lost my balance. I couldn't stand on one leg, hop, or even jump. My brain couldn't comprehend the little movements I had to make and I was constantly tripping over myself or other students. I felt hopeless and I considered giving up. It's not like I am Bruce Lee now. But I can sit in seiza for greater and greater lengths of time, I can stand on one leg (either leg) I can hop and even jump. These may seem like little accomplishments, but to me they are miraculous.

One of my friends asked me the other day why if I could spend so much time at the dojo couldn't I find a part time job? The simple answer is No. If I stop training my body will become weak and I'll loose my ability to walk. Even part time jobs require the employee's to come in when they are scheduled. I'm exhausted and need a nap will not fly well with them. I am grateful to Karate and especially to my instructors for helping my body become stronger. Not only that, my instructors and my dojo mates take joy in the little accomplishments that I achieve. It is my dojo mates and my Instructors who give me the strength some days to come in and train on days I can barely get out of bed. On days that I am bedridden it is they who encourage me to get better, rest up and join in. I hope they realize what a constant source of encouragement they are.

Monsters do exist!

Monsters do exist

When I was a little girl I was terrified of the monsters under my bed, but as I grew up I realized that the monsters are not real. At least not the ones with long teeth and sharp claws. There are monsters in this world who are much scarier than that those that haunt the figments of our imaginations. They are the knife wielding, bottle braking and ignorant kind. Was Matthew Shepard afraid of ghosts and goblins before he was tied to the fence post, beaten and left for dead. I doubt any longer because he had seen the horrible truth, that monsters of the people kind exist.

Currently in Russia a man named Maxim Martsinkevich is leading the fight against what he calls paedophiles. What he is actually doing is cruising gay websites and picking up unsuspecting gay men and beating them and dumping urine on their heads. His link to hes website hosted by a Russian fraction of youtube is here: http://vk.com/video119910902_166034525 and American blogger has documented this abuse and you can find the link here: http://americablog.com/2013/07/russian-vigilantes-kidnapping-beating-young-gays.html

I had to watch the videos. I had to watch the videos. Tears streaming down my face I could not believe the atrocities that were happening to my gay brothers in Russia. When asked by a friend, why did I watch it? I responded I wanted to see the face of evil and I did. How many crimes of human nature are justified by people believing they are fighting for a cause and they loose everything that made them human in the first place. The violence is only escalating. Recently a man was beaten then raped with a beer bottle after he admitted he was gay at gun point. The report is here: http://www.pinknews.co.uk/2013/09/15/russia-viral-video-allegedly-shows-gay-student-beaten-stripped-and-raped-with-bottle-at-gunpoint/

How long do we stand idly by while these crimes are being committed. They aren't just crimes, but crimes people are proud of. When do we stop and say enough is enough. The Olympics are slated to be held in Sochi in Russia. This is supposed to be the representation of the world. I will not be watching, nor supporting any business that sponsors the Olympics this year. My morals and values will not allow me to. My God, does it ever remind me of the atrocities that were committed during World War Two. How long before they start rounding up the Gays and Lesbians and putting them into concentration camps and burning them. They have already stripped them of their dignity and humanity. The next logical step is to get rid of them. Will the world watch in horror or step up to the plate and do something.

Jesus Please?

Jesus Please?

This morning I woke up thanking the Lord that he has a great plan for us and that sometimes the Father in Heaven says No. I can not tell you how many hours I have spent on bended knees praying to God that he take this attraction to women from me. How many tears I have shed, or how many deals I have made with God. “God if you take this away from me I will go to church more, or I will tithe more, and I will volunteer more”. Thankfully, the Father in Heaven knows best and just like a good parent the answer is No.

God created me gay. He knows the hairs on my head and he knows what is best for me. What did Jesus say regarding Homosexuality? Nothing. He had lots to say about loving your neighbour and loving each other and forgiveness, but absolutely nothing about homosexuality. Don't you think that if Jesus thought that it was such a terrible thing he would have said something? What he did speaks more volumes that then the nothing he said about homosexuality.

Matthew 8:5-13

New International Version (NIV)

The Faith of the Centurion

5 When Jesus had entered Capernaum, a centurion came to him, asking for help. 6 “Lord,” he said, “my servant lies at home paralyzed, suffering terribly.”
7 Jesus said to him, “Shall I come and heal him?”
8 The centurion replied, “Lord, I do not deserve to have you come under my roof. But just say the word, and my servant will be healed. 9 For I myself am a man under authority, with soldiers under me. I tell this one, ‘Go,’ and he goes; and that one, ‘Come,’ and he comes. I say to my servant, ‘Do this,’ and he does it.”
10 When Jesus heard this, he was amazed and said to those following him, “Truly I tell you, I have not found anyone in Israel with such great faith. 11 I say to you that many will come from the east and the west, and will take their places at the feast with Abraham, Isaac and Jacob in the kingdom of heaven. 12 But the subjects of the kingdom will be thrown outside, into the darkness, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.”
13 Then Jesus said to the centurion, “Go! Let it be done just as you believed it would.” And his servant was healed at that moment.

What made this servant so special to the centurion? After all servants were bought and sold on a regular basis. The answer is simple. It was the centurion's lover. He was aware that the Jews did not want to be around Homosexuals so he told the Lord that he was not worthy of the Lord visiting his house. Jesus was so impressed with him that he healed the Centurion's lover. Don't you think that if Jesus thought Homosexuality was wrong he would have healed him of that too? Don't you think that if that happened there would be many more paragraphs in the bible following this story?

I am glad that the Lord didn't answer my prayers and make me a heterosexual. Yes would my life be easier. Certainly. Would it be nice to be accepted in the community with out question, yes it would be. Would it be nice to go to church with my family with out feeling like I have the bubonic plague, absolutely. But this is not the life that the Lord set out for me and he wants me to live my life as he designed and not by what is easier. So all my Gay Brothers and Sisters out there, do not despair. Go do as the Lord has designed you to be. Love each other and perhaps one day the right wing Christians will look on their discrimination with disdain as they do with segregation.

Peace and Love in Christ!

September 11

September 11

12 years ago, the world was rocked by an event that would change the world and the New York skyline forever. Of course I am speaking of the destruction of the World Trade Centre. While much controversy still remains regarding the event, one thing is clear, everyone knows what they were doing on that fateful day. This is my story.

The morning began early as I hopped on my little moped/scooter and made my way to the DACH meeting. It was the Durham Advisory Committee on Homelessness. I would have preferred to get the extra half hours sleep, but I was instructed by the Nurse Practitioner to attend, so off I went. I worked at a Street Health Services Centre for Homeless and impoverished people as a counsellor, receptionist, tech support and jack of all trades. It was my job to attend. Bleary eyed I remember one of the counsellors came in to tell us that a plane had struck the World Trade Centre. I thought with all the air traffic going in and out of New York this probably was another case of an under-skilled pilot. It was probably a Cessna. She wanted to listen to the radio, but was voted down. Democracy is at it's best when everyone is hopelessly unaware of the situations. We continued the meeting and at the end relented and turned on the radio. It was at that moment that the second plane struck. I thought what a coincidence. The meeting adjourned and we left to the centre.

It was there we learned that it wasn't just a little plane but two very large passenger planes. I knew then that something was terribly wrong. I sat in awe as we listened to the radio updates. People were jumping to their death and the Nurse Practitioner and I held hands and prayed. After that I was ordered back to work. I didn't feel much like tackling the endless stacks of paper that were piled on my three desks (none of which I was ever at for very long). I decided to pay a visit to the hospital where a client of mine had just given birth. This client was a chronic drug user and supported her habit by becoming a prostitute. This tough hardened street person suffered from fetal alcohol syndrome and it amazed me that she had lasted on the street for as long as she did. She had wanted to keep the baby, but was already red flagged by C.A.S. I thought I would pay her a visit and perhaps get a glimpse of the the new baby.

I got to the hospital and parked my scooter carrying my full faced helmet with me. The halls were empty and I made my way up to emergency counter. I didn't know where the client was, but I was sure they would tell me. I walked into the the Emergency room and immediately was stopped by a crowd of people huddled shoulder to shoulder. Doctors, security, patients, visitors and nurses all stood huddled around the tiny TV set in the emergency ward. No one was speaking. The towers fell and a gasp went up from the crowd. People were sobbing. I stood in awe as I watched the towers fall. I was speechless. I learned that it was a terrorist attack and I worried about my cousin who was trapped now in the States. I prayed a lot and finally remembered that I was there to visit a client. The nurse at the desk seemed almost happy to rip her eyes from the screen and looked up my client. I was told where to do and went so immediately, I couldn't stomach the sight of people jumping for their lives or the towers falling again. I went to visit her.

She was doing well, but had been immediately separated from her child. I filled out a form 14 which allowed me to speak to the nurses and visit the baby. Up to the Maternity ward I went. The baby was in an incubator and was sleeping peacefully. The baby was full term, had ten perfect fingers and toes and she slumbered not knowing anything had ever happened. The most traumatic thing she had experienced was being born. The nurses had said amazingly enough that the child had not suffered at all from withdrawal (which is common with drug use during pregnancy) and the child was fully formed and was expected to be placed in a foster home shortly. It was still in an incubator as a precautionary measure. I was offered the opportunity to hold the child. I refused not wanting to wake such sleeping innocents for something so trivial as my want to hold a new born. It was at that moment that the world came shifting into perspective. Although it seemed like the world had stopped and would be forever changed, I knew that else where new babies were being born. The world would keep spinning and although it may be changed the world hadn't ended on that fateful day. I placed my hand on the plastic and prayed for health and love for the new baby girl and told her that I was adopted too and she would find a home and love just like I had. I told her that her mother loved her just as she had asked me to do and I left the hospital crying for another reason. I was crying for joy that against all odds, this tiny little life seemed to thrive.

When I came home that evening I avoided the living room. The news was on and the towers kept falling over and over again. To this day I have only seen the footage once and once was enough. I always think of that little baby on this day, and now at 12 I wonder how she is doing. I also think of the people in the tower and on the plane and their families, how the horror has never stopped for them.

Dating with a disability

 Life is full of surprises!

 

Recently I have become single again. My last girlfriend was pretty understanding about Multiple Sclerosis. The thought occurs to me, that I may find it difficult to find another person who is understanding about M.S. I mean let's face it. Who wants to get involved with someone who periodically may be in a wheelchair, or may end up in a wheelchair for life? Day to day life in uncertain. You never know what will happen from one day to the next, for someone with M.S. It could even be an hourly change. How does one go about disclosing that he or she has MS when they are looking for a potential life partner. I wouldn't want to get three dates into a relationship and drop that kind of a bomb shell, but I seriously wonder if this won't hamper my ability to form a relationship in the future.

It takes a very understanding person to date someone with an invisible illness. How ever that being said, I am stronger than most people. My ability to accept and understand change is huge. What do you think, would you date someone with a chronic illness. Should I be concerned?

The sum of my parts!

I am more than a sum of my parts!

I'm gay. It's not a secret. I haven't been in the closet for years. Some how though it is the first thing that comes up when people are speaking to me. Okay sure, I'm butch and and probably a walking stereo type of what people think when they think a lesbian should look like. It is who I am, but it is not all that I am. I am much more than my love orientation (I hate the term sexual orientation because first thing people think about is sex!)

When I'm suffering from an MS attack the first thing people see is my cane, or walker, or wheel chair. I am more than the apparatus that helps me walk. I am more than my battle with MS and Depression. It is a fight, and one that I probably won't win. By God I hope they come up with a cure and I do hold out hope, but the inevitable battle still goes on. If MS wants a fight, I will go out kicking and screaming against it.

There are different faces that I wear in any given situation. When I am at Karate I have my training face on, when I am with my child I have my Mom face on, when I am with my parents I have my child face on. All of these faces are me. There is so much more to me than the face that I put on, there is a whole big brain beneath that face that allows me to make choices and create things and inside my head I look different than what I look like on the outside.

So the next time you see someone walking down the street and you judge them by just one thing, remember it says more about you than it does about them.

Fake it until you make it....

Fake it until you make it.....

As most of you know (who follow me) I take Karate, and something that is heard around the dojo is fake it till you make it. What this means is keep trying until you actually accomplish something. For me, it means something else.  Faking being happy.  Multiple Sclerosis and depression often run hand in hand. There is some debate of the causality of the depression, is it situational, chemical, or does it have to do with the location of the lesions in the brain. No one can give a definite answer on how or why it happens, but the simple fact is that it does.

I was a counsellor in my former life (the life before I met the MonSter) and I was aware that MS and depression ran concurrently. When I was diagnosed I never thought it would happen to me, I was well trained, I knew the signs and the symptoms and what to look for. Until I found myself unable to accomplish a simple task like getting out of bed (and not due to lack of leg functions.) Depression has an insidious way of sneaking up on you. It is akin to waking up in the middle of a lake drowning, but not knowing how you ended up in the middle or even when you started to swim.

There is also a stigma attached to mental health that isn't associated with MS. It is a double whammy situation. The effects of depression, more often times that not, can be more crippling than the physical symptoms of MS. The internal mental battle that occurs from day to day just to exist can be almost paramount. But there is help. There is no shame in admitting you have a problem. I know I was more embarrassed to come out of the closet as someone who suffers from depression than I was to come out as a lesbian. There is less stigma attached.

You should know you are not alone. Most people who are diagnosed with MS suffer from depression. It doesn't matter what causes it, or how it got there, just that it happens and you are not alone. You are not crazy, and anyone who judges you for being depressed really isn't worth your time anyway. Seriously. It's not something we can help so why judge. What we can do is treat it. Talk to someone, get help before it is too late, go on anti depressants, join a group, seek counselling, talk about it. You don't want to end up in that middle of the proverbial lake to find out it isn't so proverbial. And while faking it until you make it works well in Karate, it doesn't work so well in real life situations. If find yourself faking your way through life, you won't enjoy it and that is what were are here on this earth to do. Enjoy life. So get out there and enjoy it, or get help so you can. And stay strong fellow MS Warriors. We have a MonSter to fight, let's stick this out together.

Sunshine!

Sunshine!

The weather is getting warmer, the grass is getting greener and the first bit of heat of the year starts seeping through. Most people welcome the passage into spring including myself, but it is always followed by fear and trepidation on my behalf, and others who suffer from MS. Although i live with this illness year round, and am prone to random attacks of Paralysis, aphasia, fatigue, leg cramping, insomnia phantom pain, emotional incontinence, clumsiness, problems swallowing, disorganised thinking and my all time favourite blurry vision and or blindness, (because it's not hard enough to stay on your feet when you can see what you are tripping over, MS throws that little extra kick in!) summer is probably the worst for people who have ms for flare ups.

Recently I had a run in with my old friend leg cramps. They come and go, sometimes they signal the start of an MS attack, sometimes they are just there to remind me to be grateful that I can still walk albeit slowly! Spring does not officially start until my legs randomly (and usually at the most inappropriate times) start to spasm, cramp, flex, or harden all by themselves. Often times I'm mystified how many odd signals my brain sends out and would actually spend time pondering this fact if I wasn't busy trying to fight back the tears. Ever had a foot cramp on the arch of your foot where your toes bend backward all by themselves? Same feeling but usually spread out over the entire legs. On a scale of one to ten in reality it's probably and 8. I would also have to put an appendix pain at an 8 to give a better scale of reference.

Muscle relaxers such as Bacolfen are usually prescribed, but since my body (not due to MS but because I'm weird) does not respond to such drug it is pointless to take it. I have found humour to be a pretty affective way to deal with the pain of leg cramps, or the MS hug (intercostal muscle spasms) and generally pretty much every symptom that MS happens to toss at me.... except problems swallowing because there is nothing funny about just about choking to death on your fig newton..... and yes this has happened. Okay maybe it is a little funny.... like considering what the death notification would say.... Pamela was taken too soon from us by a chewy cookie of deliciousness. In Lieu of flowers please donate a Nabisco product to the homeless as she was always an advocate for the underprivileged. See funny right?

Oh I've digressed I was speaking about summer. Did I mention short term memory loss? The good thing about summer is the extra amount of sun which produces vitamin D which helps to combat flare ups and ward off the crippling depression that generally comes with MS. Although Doctors are not sure if MS is the causality for depression or co morbid disorder caused by being ill the one thing they can agree on is that Vitamin D is good for people who have MS and people who are Depressed. Woopie, I fit both of those bills so sunshine here I come! I'll just have to stay cool doing it. :D

For those friends and family members out there of people who have MS and those that have it, here are some tips on how to make life in the summer a little easier:

* Make sure you bring water or some other liquids to keep cool

* Make sure there is adequate shade when planning outdoor events better still make sure there is an reconditioned space close by to get him or her to. (It's not the heat it's the humidity is very true)

* Imagine yourself running full tilt in a sauna after you have just run a marathon. This is how it feels to someone with MS when it is humid. Walking 10 feet may just be a physical impossibility with the heat. This can include getting from the air conditioned car to the grocery store or other appointment. During a heat wave offer politely to accompany them for company. If you have MS, avoid going out when there are heat warnings out, make sure you have a fully stocked fridge and if you do go out remember:

* Ice packs are a lifesaver!

* Remember the speed at which a person with MS can run into a problem in the heat is equivalent to the terminal velocity of an anvil dropped out of a helicopter at low altitude, so be thoughtful when dealing with your friend or family member. Perhaps the hottest day of the year would not be appropriate for that outdoor barbecue. Do by all means invite (no one likes to feel left out) but do not be surprised or hurt if he or she is not able to attend.

Keep cool my friends. Oh and once again I apologise for the weird spelling errors in the first couple of blogs, I will have to go back and correct them at a later date. The program I use to write on is significantly different than the one I blog with.